Blonde and Blonder Page #4

delivering the money,

we wouldn't be here now.

They were drooling at the mouth.

They were crazed with blood lust from

the hit on Louie Rimoli.

They were gonna do some fancy high

moves of karate on us,

but we stared them right down their eyes.

You would've been proud of us.

Yeah, we looked death right in the

face and we laughed.

It's right. They knew better than

to mess with us,

finely tuned killing machines.

What?

An apprentice?

Yeah.

But The Cat knows better.

Any self-respecting assassin works alone.

This is not good.

No.

Nope.

She's got some cojones.

You're telling me.

Does she ever.

Yeah, she looks good.

Boss, what are cojones?

Yeah.

Nuts.

Tea bags?

Oh, she's English.

That don't match here.

Nads.

Nothing.

She's got balls,

you idiots!

Oh!

Okay, yeah.

Now I get it.

[chuckles] So you're

telling me,

the number one assassin in the whole

wide world, The Cat,

is a dude?

Moron! Don't you know

what a metaphor is?

Yeah, of course.

[chuckles]

Sort of a man trapped in a woman's body?

No.

It's when a chick's got a dink.

No, that's-- you're an idiot.

No, it's not.

Will you two pea brains knock it off?

Boss, is this metaphor

thing contagious?

Never mind,

you idiots.

This could be serious.

Ah, the book.

Ah, here it is.

Chapter 9,

Subsection 4.

"Under no circumstance

may an assassin,

"engage an apprentice for

a contracted hit,

"without the express written permission,

of the contractor of said hit."

Right. You know,

when they mention the contractor,

they're talking about you.

Don't you think I know

that, Einstein!

There are reasons for rules,

and the rules should not be broken.

This is not good.

No.

I'll have to send someone to make sure

that things go according to planned.

I want Wong wacked!

Oh, you know,

we would love to do it,

but, I get a bit of migraines when

I travel by air, boss.

It's bad. He does.

And you know what?

I got a couple of sick days coming.

Where the hell did I find you two?!

You're turning a couple

of different shades of hue

you should calm down, you're blood

pressure is going.

I've got the solution.

Since you two tough guys

just finished telling me

how you

"Faced death" and stared

down The Cat,

you can have the job.

You won't get a migraine driving.

And you, can consider this

trip to Niagara Falls

your sick days, huh?

Capische? Huh?

Boss, I don't think it's a good idea

Enough talk!

I've spoken.

And unless you two want

something broken,

No, no, no. We get it, boss.

We get it, we get it.

Swan and I'll follow 'em to Niagara Falls

and make sure Wong is wacked

good and proper.

Yes.

So I guess we'll just--

Whew. That's disgusting!

Sorry.

You two keep a low profile.

Remember Louie Rimoli was wacked

right under the nose

of the Witness Protection Program.

The Feds are gonna have their

brightest and their best

all over The Cat's scent.

Yes, Godfather.

Sir.

You freaking imbeciles.

I can see the headlines now.

Louie the Lip,

executed in broad daylight

under the Witness Protection Program.

You know what kind of putzes

we're gonna look like?

What's a putz?

You're a putz, moron.

I think it's redundant, sir.

Aren't they mutually exclusive?

Enough!

Enough.

Let's go over the facts.

Okay. At least we have a lead

on the killer now,

we can start to turn around

this bad publicity.

It's killers, sir.

What?

Killers.

Plural, sir.

It's true, sir.

Louie the Lip was indeed taken

out by the infamous Cat,

but it gets worse.

Now, not only does she have a new MO

but she has a new partner as well.

Well, I think The Cat's

made her first mistake.

I won't be long until

the kitten leaves the roost.

Because you can't have

two cats in the same nest.

You mean litter, sir.

We're not after a litterbug, you idiot.

Not garbage litter, we're

talking about cat litter.

Are you two geniuses mocking me?

Because I'm getting a very bad vibe here.

Now, maybe we're not on

the same page.

Maybe I should put you

back on foot patrol,

because you seem kind of

fixated on garbage.

Well, there, there is something else, sir.

Yeah, well?

Cat and her new partner

went to Niagara Falls

to do another hit.

Damn! We gotta stay

on top of this.

Should we go after them?

No. I want you to stay here and bust

people for littering.

Of course I want you two

knuckleheads to go!

You think I'll let them flatfoot

from Niagara Falls steal our lightening?

Thunder, sir.

First you mock me about litter,

now about lightening?

I should have you two shot.

If you had us shot, it would be

very difficult for us to--

It's a figment of speech! You moron!

I'm not gonna shoot you.

Figure of speech, sir.

Get out!

Now! Just get The Cat

and if you fail I suggest you

stay in Niagara Falls.

Do you understand?

[giggles] I can't believe

we bought this car!

I can't either.

Oh! Niagara Falls,

here we come!

Yeah!

Where is it?

I don't know.

Oh, we'll find it.

It can't be too far.

I don't even see them, are we on

the right road?

(Leo) There's only

one road, they've

(Swan) Alright.

Did you ever have a dream, Leo?

Yeah, it involves you, cement socks

and a fishing trip.

What?

Well, I have a dream.

Long time ago, when I clutched my

first protection money,

it was a nickle, for

not thumping on a kid.

[chuckles] You know how

old I was?

No, 7.

No, just 7.

Oh.

Yeah, I was a skinny

little thug back then.

I had a big dream. I wanted

to be a Don someday.

A Don?

Yeah. A Don.

A Don's got it all. Respect, women,

power, money.

But your last name's Keith.

So?

So you'd be Don Keith

Sounds like a donkey

with a lisp or something.

A friggen what?

Your enemies would be shaking

in their boots.

Here comes Don Keith.

Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

You'd be laughed outta town!

Forget I mentioned it.

No, that's classic.

Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

Alright! Shut up!

(Swan) You're distracting me,

they're gonna see us.

(Dawn) I gotta pee again.

(Dee) Me too.

(Gardiner) Keep up and don't

let them see us.

(Campbell) Alright, Jeez.

(Dawn) Hey, are we being followed?

(Dee) No.

(Dawn) Okay.

(Leo) What do you think

they'd do

(Swan) Chop our heads off

and leave us in the desert.

Why the desert?

I saw it on CSI.

Oh, I love that show.

Yeah.

Did you see the one where they put

a victim in dog food?

What?

It's the best one.

I'd put you in dog food.

What?

Aw, never mind.

Never mind.

Do you think they know

where they're goin'?

Probably making sure they're not followed.

Pure genius.

(Dawn) Have you been

to Niagara Falls?

No, I saw a movie with Marylin

Monroe called Niagara.

(Campbell) You'd better pull

over at the next stop.

Why?

Because I gotta take a leak.

Come on, I just pulled over two

hours ago.

Yeah, two hours ago, when

I had a large coffee.

Well, I'm not stopping.

What am I supposed to do?

Hold it. What do you think?

Hold it? Yeah,

I understand "hold it"

but I think my bladder

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