Blue Like Jazz Page #5

Where I come from, we do crazy things

for the hell of it,

but last night was the first time

I felt like what I was doing

meant something.

So thanks for bailing us out.

But I'd especially like

to thank our ringleader, Penny.

Thanks.

Hey.

There you are.

I was looking for you.

Hey.

You missed the part

where I thanked you.

You mean I missed your speech?

Hey, Penny,

what's with you?

We got arrested.

Okay, so maybe I like the attention.

Maybe you just like feeling better

than everybody else.

Nice umbrella!

What was that all about?

People in Portland don't use umbrellas.

That's dumb.

Penny.

Hey.

Are you mad?

Do you really think I do all of this

to feel superior?

No.

I mean, it's just...

you're so good that...

I guess you can't help making other people

feel like sh*t sometimes.

That's all.

If you're trying to seduce me,

it's not working.

I'll work on it over Christmas break.

So when do you head home?

I think I'm just gonna hang out here

since home feels

about a million miles away.

- You?

- I'm taking a little trip.

Where you going?

India.

The country?

Yeah, my dad asked me

what I wanted for Christmas,

and I've always wanted

to go there, so...

Gonna sabotage

Aqualikes pipeline?

Actually, I'm gonna be

working in a refugee camp.

I'm sorry if that

makes you feel like sh*t.

Have a good Christmas, Don.

I'll think about what you said.

Pen.

You want to keep the umbrella?

No.

Message in your mailbox.

Donny, I know it's a long drive,

but we've never been apart

for the holidays.

And I can't bear the thought

of Christmas without you.

Please call me

and tell me you got this.

Message deleted.

Maybe this'll get me in the mood.

Jordan?

Merry Christmas, dude.

You look good.

I got some beer.

Do you?

I read on the Internet

there's something in turkey

interferes with the patch.

- You started smoking?

- No, I stopped chewing.

Remember my little stunt

the last day on the line?

- Yeah.

- Well, couple months later,

they're having this big outdoor

youth rally in Australia...

or Austria, something...

for the Pope,

Baptists, Catholics, Episcopalians.

They're passing out, like, 100,000

of them porta-cups for Mass.

Hey, guess what's in one of 'em.

No way.

Some nun got sick drinking

the Skoal-tainted blood of Christ.

No!

'Course it gets traced

back to the shop.

Boss is pissed.

He was ready to swab everyone's cheek,

get their DNA.

That's when I fessed up.

They fired you?

Hell, yeah, they fired me.

Best thing that ever happened to me.

Next Sunday, I go to Mass

for the first time since I was a kid.

I figure I owe the Pope one,

you know.

Well, don't laugh,

but when I go up for Communion,

it's like Jesus is whispering to me

from inside the cup.

Really?

I swear to God, I can hear him

telling me the same thing

my mama used to say.

"Don't sh*t where you eat."

Anyway, I find out that the nun,

the one who got sick,

live up in Canada

running a home for retards.

Except you ain't

supposed to call 'em that.

Don't laugh!

But I felt like God

wanted me to even things up,

you know.

So I call her up,

and after talking to her

on the phone for 10 minutes,

she said I need to be there.

So I'm off to Canada

to help the retards.

Come on. You're into this stuff, right?

Merry Christmas, dude.

What?

What do you say we don't go

to midnight Mass somewhere,

give old baby Jesus a holler?

I'm not really dressed.

Come on, man.

Ain't like your church.

Not even the priest wears a tie.

Nah, I'm not really interested.

'Cause it ain't Baptist?

You all right, big guy?

So when do you start

up in Canada?

Not until February.

I saved up a little money.

I was thinking maybe I'd

kick it around here a while,

assuming you got a spare floor.

Uh, bro, my, um...

You know, I'd totally let you crash,

but my roommate's coming back early.

Ah, that's cool.

I was thinking that maybe

I'd head up there early.

They got these cabins

where the volunteers go

for these three-day silent retreats.

Heh. I can't shut the hell up

for five minutes.

I figure I might need

a few practice runs.

You still got

my cell number, right?

'Cause I tried

calling you a few times.

School has been,

like, really crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well...

I guess I'm gonna go wish

Jesus a happy birthday.

Peace.

See ya.

It was good seeing you, man.

Yeah. Hey, thanks for coming, Jordan.

Hey, merry Christmas.

Here it is again!

Bullshit bookmobile!

Welcome back, Reedies.

It's that time of year

again to donate

those Christmas presents

you are never gonna read!

Come on. You know your

parents only gave 'em to you

because they are easy to wrap!

Give 'em the demise

they so richly deserve!

Put 'em out of their misery!

Give me your tired,

your poorly written,

your huddled mass media

yearning to be trees!

Miller, you look lost.

- Me?

- Yeah.

Ah, it's just a beer buzz.

How was Christmas break?

I don't do Christmas.

What you got going later?

Sleeping off a holiday hangover.

I have a little project

that might require your...

special talents.

What do you think?

What?

Trust me. It's big,

very big.

Texas big!

What the hell?

Lauryn?

She's straight.

What?

Quinn is straight.

She doesn't even experiment.

I know I told myself

I'd give it six months,

just to see if she

showed any sign.

And then I...

I caught her reading

an Anais Nin book

in the campus bookstore.

I just assumed.

Wouldn't you assume?

Told you her ass

wasn't big enough.

Stop, Don. I'm serious.

I mean, I love her.

Can I stay here tonight?

Will you put out?

No.

Then leave immediately.

Come on. Think back

to when you were bi-curious.

Think back to when you were nice.

I just don't understand

what girls see in you guys.

So you can move heavy objects?

Big deal.

Are there that many heavy

objects that need moving?

I heard the penis plays

a role in procreation.

Genitals are overrated.

So is Anais Nin.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Lauryn.

Oh, man, it just sucks.

Yeah.

- Are you ready?

- What?

- Oh, come on.

- Not you, too.

Junior college transfers.

What are you doing?

I'm purging the campus

of false dogma,

but I didn't think for a second

that you were gonna need my help.

Do you know the Stone Age tribes

of New Guinea do not have cellphones

because they never grew wheat?

Did you know that?

I didn't get that far.

Now you know.

Hey, those cost money.

I'm The Pope, man.

I speak for God.

God wants you to burn books?

God doesn't exist,

and here is the proof.

Would a loving God possibly

allow this to exist?

I think not.

That was a graduation gift.

Who made you Pope, anyway?

Last year's Pope at Renn Fayre.

You don't know about any of this?

Big weekend bash after exams

at the end of the school year.

Sex, drugs, naked elves.

The firstjob of the new Pope

is to take confessions

during Renn Fayre, so...

go to a little booth,

and all the students line up

to confess their sins.

They confess to you?

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