Blue Mountain State: The Rise of Thadland Page #5

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- Billy!

Billy!

Oh, hey, Sammy,

Sammy.

Have you seen Billy?

Nope. I have not

seen Billy.

And those balloons,

not good.

Yeah I told you that.

You okay?

Me? Totally fine.

Never been better,

never been better.

There we go.

Oh, there we go.

Officer.

We're going to shut

this party down.

I'm sorry, Dean, mate.

I can't let you in.

Thad castle and Alex moran

made a very

significant donation

to our benevolent fund.

They specifically asked

that we not let you

into the house.

Fine! They want to play

like that?

We sell this house

right here,

right now!

Auctioneer, bidders,

right now.

Thad!

Thad!

Thad!

Round and round

he goes!

Where he stops

nobody knows!

Okay, Barbara,

you have to take

a jell-o shot

and make out

with jeanine

for five seconds.

Okay.

Oh, my god!

- Oh, my god!

- Thad!

Okay. Thad,

it's midnight, okay?

The auction

is happening

right now.

We need to go.

Uh...

We're playing

spin the thad-dle,

page twenty-one

of the book.

I know what it is!

I'm the one

who set it up for you,

like I said I would.

Okay, great!

So you know

how important

this is to me.

Spin me!

Yay!

Thad,

saving the goat house

is the whole reason

i agreed to throw this party

oh, my gosh!

In the first place.

I can't take this

anymore.

We don't have time

for this, moran!

Debbie, do a line of coke

off Nancy's knockers and...

- Spin me!

- No, no, no.

Don't spin,

don't spin.

Yay!

Never stop spinning me!

Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you for coming.

We're putting up

for auction

this piece

of real estate.

We'll start

the bidding

at $150,000.

Do I hear

$150,000?

One-fifty right here.

Looking for 175, 175.

Do I hear 200?

Do I hear two?

$200,000.

Your reign here

is over, Mr. moran.

It's best to step away

gracefully.

We have 240 right here.

Looking for 250.

240,000

going once...

Sh*t!

240,000 going twice...

Three million!

Son, the current bid

is $240,000.

Oh...

Maybe you should

make it three and a half

million dollars.

Okay, $3.5 million

going once...

Four million dollars!

Thad, you don't have to

outbid yourself.

Five million dollars!

Oh, my god.

Fine, $5,000,000

going once,

$5,000,000

going twice.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, nice try.

I'd have to be a real idiot

to pay more than $5,000,000

for this piece

of sh*t house.

Sold for $5,000,000.

To the oiled up man

in the white,

furry slippers.

Woo-hoo!

- They cannot do that!

They can't do this.

He bid for it

fair and square.

Oh, sorry, deany.

This castle

is very well protected.

Officer, would you escort

the Dean off of my property,

please.

You don't know

who you're messing with,

moran.

All right,

let's go.

I will bring the thunder!

And you, Daniels!

Daniels! I come

for you next!

I know

what really happened.

You're a drunk!

All right.

Everybody back inside.

Let's party!

Oh, my god!

I did it!

Oh! I finally got

my goat house back!

What did you

just say?

Hmm?

Oh, thank you.

You really helped me

out here, man.

I got my goat house back.

Your house?

Yeah.

God...

This has never been

about me, has it?

It's always been

about you.

Alex moran this.

Alex moran that.

Well,

guess what, moran,

newsflash.

Newsflash.

Dick dawg.

Escort this selfish jerk

off my property.

What?

Then write yourself

a check.

F*** yeah!

Hey, thad!

You can't do this.

You can't kick me

out of my own house.

It's not your house

anymore, cock tease!

All right!

First one to bring me

a mojito

wins a whap session

in the ham sandwich room!

Hey, man,

balloon?

Thank you.

I invited you here,

you said yes,

so why aren't

we hanging out?

Wait,

I'm confused.

Do you or do you not

have blueberry waffles

because

I'm starving.

Hey!

No.

What?

Get out

of here.

No.

You're not invited

into this conversation.

Okay. I think I get

why you're pissed at me,

but Holly is not gay.

And you can't

turn her gay.

Is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

Did you know

you can eat bark?

Whoa! Your tongue

is bonkers.

All right.

All right.

Okay.

There it is.

Alex, your lips

are sick.

Thank you.

Hmm?

Your tongue

really is bonkers.

Why didn't I remember...

Why didn't you remember what?

Holy shitballs.

Are you guys...

F*** a duck.

Alex.

Hmm?

Why didn't we

ever talk about it?

We hooked up,

it was good

and then...

I... I liked you.

But you said

that you were gay.

I was a sophomore.

That's what

sophomore girls do.

Freshman year

we're drunk and slutty.

Sophomore year

we experiment

with our sexuality.

Junior year

we start caring about school,

and senior year

anything goes.

It's called

the college experience.

This is my last year

of college.

And I can't...

I can't have a girlfriend.

And you shouldn't.

But if you do...

It should be me.

Oh, my god.

Are we all

gonna do it?

What is going

on here?

I think

they're trying

to f***.

So...

What's going on here?

I think these guys

are trying to f***

and those guys

are talking about it.

Beer's inside?

Houseboy!

Get your ass in here,

houseboy!

Houseboy!

I need more olives

for my Martini,

god damn it!

Thad?

He can't hear you.

Why not?

You're looking at

15 years in the future.

You're serious?

Fifteen years

in the future

thad is living

in the goat house?

Oh, no,

he never left.

You know, uh, thadland

became thad world

and, uh, he's been here

ever since.

Houseboy!

And you're living

with him?

Me? Oh, no, no, no.

I am long gone.

Long gone.

I, uh, I died

at thadland.

Fell off the Ferris wheel

jerking off.

You died?

Houseboy!

Wait, then

who's houseboy?

Sorry, bro-beans.

I was polishing

your trophies.

Also, your car

is washed,

your laundry's done,

and your chrome

pocket p*ssy

is all buffed up

and ready to go.

No way.

Yeah. Yeah,

and you're fat, too.

What?

No, no, no.

No way

that is happening.

You made this happen.

You should be pumped!

I mean, yes,

you sacrificed everything

that was good in your life

along the way

but you got

your goat house

and you and thad

are happy living here.

What, what about,

what about Mary Jo?

She, uh,

she couldn't

wait around.

I'm real sorry

i got in the way

of your sneeze

there, boss.

That's bullshit.

No. You want to know

what's bullshit?

Toilet duty

in heaven.

Jesus says

if I don't clean

the toilets by 6:00,

he's gonna give me

a spanking.

Jesus spanks you?

Well, it's more like

a tickling thing,

but either way

i just don't like it.

See you

around, pal.

Houseboy, my hemorrhoid

needs cleaning!

Wait, Sammy!

We got to fix this.

You're on your own.

I don't want to

get spanked.

Sammy!

Coming, Jesus!

Sammy! Sammy!

What the f***?

Sammy!

Mary Jo?

Hey!

Hey! Yes!

Thank you so much

for stopping.

Shilo?

Ooh! Alex moran.

What the hell

are you doing

out here, man?

You look nuts.

It's a long story, man.

Where are we?

I gotta get back

to the goat house.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's where I'm going!

Hop in, man.

To thadland!

I can't believe

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