Blue Mountain State: The Rise of Thadland Page #7

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when I was a baby.

What is it?

Don't ask yourself

a question

that you don't want

the answer to.

Just go on back

up to the party

and enjoy yourself.

Harmon. What is

in your balloons?

It's sh*t.

It's not sh*t...

It's jenkum.

Okay, what the f***

is jenkum?

Sh*t.

It's not...

He said

sh*t again.

Sh*t.

It's poop fumes

and pee fumes.

It's very popular

in the south.

See, what I've done

here is

I've rerouted

these sewer pipes

into this steel tank.

And then whenever

anyone uses the facilities,

it collects here

where it's allowed to ferment

at a very high temperature.

Then it's simply a matter

of filling these balloons

with the fermented fumes,

et voila.

This stuff will knock you

straight on your ass.

Which is ironic

considering

that's where it all started

in the first place.

Please tell me

you're kidding.

No.

We've been down

here for days

messing around

with different

temperatures,

more poop, less pee,

more pee, less poop...

No, no, no.

This experiment

ends right now.

I lost two days

of my life to this sh*t!

And dignity.

Stop huffing that!

Jesus Christ!

Shut it down,

harmon.

No, no, no,

what about thad?

Forget thad!

This is my house.

And I'm your captain.

Now shut it down,

harmon.

Shut it down.

Consider it done,

captain.

Have you seen thad?

Thad's upstairs.

Are you

an assassin?

Thad?

You can't kill me.

I'm not killable.

I'm not here

to kill you.

I'm here to tell you

that this party is over.

Guys, I have no time

to explain.

You don't want to be

sucking on those balloons.

Trust me.

What balloons?

These balloons?

Please stop.

Thad, stop doing that.

Thad, stop!

Thank you.

Hey, hey.

Don't let him

do that.

What do you care?

You got

what you wanted.

The house is safe.

I do care,

all right?

And I don't know

if what happened

between us

was real or not,

but I meant every word

i said to you.

Then prove it.

Hey!

Enough!

This is about me!

Not you a-holes!

Okay, let's talk

about you.

How about we start with

what the hell is going on.

You were a number one

draft pick in the NFL.

Why aren't you

at practice?

And what do you

even want with my house?

Let's not do this

again, senor.

Officer, I carry

in my possession

information

which may interest you

and your tiny

little benevolent fund.

I didn't catch

any of that.

Look at the papers!

I need all available units

to blue mountain

state campus.

All available units.

There goes

the department

booze cruise.

Argh!

Thad, we were teammates

for three years.

You've got to trust me.

What is happening?

This may come

as a surprise to you,

but I'm not the super smart

Alan Einstein that

everyone thinks I am.

No. Don't say that.

If I told you the truth,

you'd think

i was the biggest idiot.

Never.

I'm not going pro.

What?

Wait, I saw

the draft, thad.

We all

saw the draft.

Now you're mad at me.

I knew you'd get mad at me.

I'm not mad at you.

Yes, you are.

The draft was real,

and the contract

was real,

but then,

I bought a zoo...

And I was messing around

with that big animal

with the horn

growing out of its face.

A rhinoceros?

Sure.

And the stupid thing

stabbed me

with his stupid horn.

My coach found out

and they canceled

my contract.

No, no, no,

stop stop stop!

What?

How long have

you known about this?

Since the day before you

and I met at that restaurant.

Wha...

So this, this book...

This, this, this dream,

it was all a lie?

I drew that the night

before I gave it to you.

I imagined a party

in my honor.

A place that was safe

and warm

and I'd never ever

ever ever leave.

You motherf***er!

What the...

Holy sh*t!

Actually,

that's a lie too.

I didn't draw

those pictures.

I traced them.

So you knew

your contract was void?

How did you

pay for all this?

Checks.

But they weren't real.

I just ordered them online.

You have no money?

Who else knows

about this?

Just me and dick dawg

and the Dean.

Olivares knows

about this?

How does he know?

Dick dawg told him.

Why would he

do that, thad?

Because I told him to.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Are you gonna

help me?

I'm in real

deep sh*t.

I started my

own sneaker line,

for Christ sake.

I made my own

hall of fame jacket.

I can't face them.

I'd rather be dead.

Is that what this

is all about?

This?

This drawing.

Tracing.

Tracing in your book.

It's you?

In heaven.

No. No way.

Yes.

Absolutely not.

Yes.

No, I'm not

doing it. No.

Yes, you have to!

I'm not doing it.

That's the deal!

You have to help me!

I bought you

this house!

Technically you didn't!

But goddammit!

Shhh!

Thad?

Yes.

If I help you

out of this...

Yes?

All debts are paid.

I owe you nothing.

Deal.

All right. Sh*t!

I got a plan.

Sh*t.

I'm gonna

need dick dawg.

Sh*t! Goddamn it!

Sh*t.

Ohhh!

Well!

Jesus Christ!

If it isn't the guy

i don't remember.

Oh, god,

why are

you naked?

Wait, what's

on your head?

Oh, I'm wearing

the last guy who

tried to mess with me.

What the f*** do

you think you're

doing down here

in my lab, pal?

None of your

business, pal.

None of my

f***ing business?

Well, down here...

This is f***ing

Sammy's world, pal.

Who is Sammy?

It's me! I'm Sammy!

You listen to me,

and you listen

to me good...

You touch another

valve on my f***ing

jug right here,

you're f***ing

going down, buddy.

Oh, no, no.

Wait wait. Is that?

Yeah.

Ok, um.

You don't wanna?

Don't you...

You don't wanna...

Eh, no...

Oh, I shouldn't...

Hey, I swear...

If I were you...

If I were

to do that?

Oh, wow!

Whoo! I don't know

if that was such

a good idea.

Oh, god,

i really don't wanna

fight you, okay, man?

So, the plan...

What do i

do again?

Oh, my god!

This is the police,

open up!

Whoa! God!

Whoa!

Shots fired!

Oh, god! Oh!

Christ,

you keep that thing loaded?

Why would I have

an unloaded gun?

Mama!

Oh, yeah!

Ahhh!

Ahhh! Hey!

Oh, right in the eyes.

Look, we really don't

have time to

fight right now.

Oh, okay, yeah,

you don't wanna

f***ing fight this?

Ugh!

Oh, gosh!

Ugh!

You're showing

a tremendous amount

of heart right now.

I admire

your tenacity,

i really do.

But, every pipe

in this place is

about to explode.

You need to

just give up

already, all right?

Get outta here.

Jesus!

Okay, okay.

How's this for

a f***ing explosion?

Get your dick

off my back!

Get your back

off my dick!

What the f***

was that?

Oh, god!

Oh, no!

Oh, what the

f***, man!

Holy sh*t!

Are you sure

you wanna go

through with this?

It's the

only way!

Make sure you

tell people

my story.

I don't think

that'll be

a problem!

Let's go!

Oh! Get off me.

What's happening?

Hey, you gotta

get outta here,

man, right now.

I don't wanna die

fighting a naked guy.

Come on!

Truce!

All right, truce.

Hey, you fight like

a goddamn champion.

Oh, shoot,

look at that. Sh*t!

What?

Get back!

Holy sh*t.

The lab.

The beer.

Alex, your house.

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