Book Club Page #3

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but I did research online,

and it's pretty alarming.

But you do know, I mean,

I'm really not that old.

Well, no, you're not, Mom,

but neither was Dad.

I know, honey, I know.

I need a coffee.

Well, the good coffee

is all the way upstairs.

Mom, why don't you

wait down here?

Wait down here? Sure.

God forbid, I can't go up

an escalator at my age.

But hurry back. I could slip

and fall at any moment.

- Just sit there, Mommy.

- Ooh!

- I'll get you a chamomile?

- [sighs] Oh, God. Yeah, thanks.

- Be careful!

- Uh-huh.

[old man] They brought

the kids to see you?

- Yeah.

- [old man] That's good.

- Oh, God, what?

- [cell phone ringing]

- Hello.

- [Carol] Have you ever been spanked?

- What?

- As an adult, sexually.

I mean, is this

what people are doing?

Carol, it's Diane.

You dialed the wrong number.

No. Have you not

read the book?

[Diane] Yes. I've read it.

Of course I have.

- And?

- I don't know who her lawyer is,

but she should not have

signed that contract.

Look, clearly,

we have things to discuss.

I'm gonna call

an emergency book club.

That means you got to

get back here, pronto.

I'd come back

for an emergency colonoscopy,

but it's just a little bit

more complicated here.

Oh, God.

How is life in Scottsdale?

Well, I don't know,

I feel like I'm...

- [snoring]

- ...in an episode of The Walking Dead.

Wait a second. You sound

out of breath. Where are you?

I'm going to a... a dance

rehearsal and I'm late.

- You're late? You're never late.

- I know!

This book has got me in a total tizzy.

Just get back here.

I'll get back there. Bye.

[sighs]

- [Carol] Wow.

- Chin up.

[Latin music playing]

And one, two, three.

Go, two, three.

- One, two, three.

- One, two, three. Wait.

- Stop!

- [music stops]

Stop, stop, stop!

Honey, I think we're supposed

to go this way.

To the left.

Right. Which is what I did.

His left. This way.

Back, two, three.

Side, two, three.

Okay, I got it. I was wrong.

I was wrong, you were right.

My little Fred Astaire.

I will follow you

wherever you want to go.

- How about lunch?

- We start again.

You know what?

I'm wondering...

Do you think it would be

possible for us

to just skip straight

to our choreography?

We must first learn...

to dance!

Right. I know.

But I sort of do know

how to dance. Come on, I do.

I still remember

the whole tap dance

to "Red, Red Robin Goes

Bob, Bob, Bobbin' Along"

that I did when I was six.

It's like savant-ish.

[in Hungarian]

What?

- What did she say?

- You're asking me?

So, what is going on

with little Ginsburg here?

Well,

she's not herself lately.

She... She has no energy.

She's really lost

the spark of life.

She's just kind of blah.

It sounds like we have

a lethargic p*ssy on our hands.

Seriously?

Have there been

any changes at home?

Any new people or pets

moving in or out?

[chuckles] At home?

Oh, God, no.

There hasn't been

a change at home forever.

And what about diet?

I've tried a few,

but I like to eat.

So whatever weight I take off,

I put right back on, so...

it's useless.

You're talking about the cat.

I am a veterinarian.

I knew that.

[flight attendant, over PA] Would the passenger

in seat 17-D please report to the cockpit?

I repeat,

the passenger in seat 17-D,

please report to the cockpit.

Thank you.

- [Diane] Oh.

- Hi.

I just need a little bit

more information from you.

Oh. Oh.

Um, we need phone numbers,

home and cell.

And cell...

Also, a current home address.

What, really?

Uh-huh.

Oh, okay.

Also, an email and whatever

nights you are typically free.

- You...

- [door unlocks]

You've got to be kidding me.

Pilots, we never kid

about things like this.

[chuckles] No!

Wait, I don't understand.

- What are you doing here?

- Flying the plane, I think.

So, you're a pilot?

I think so.

They gave me the hat.

[chuckles] Oh, my God.

Thank you.

This is how you ask someone

for their number?

Not usually,

but you are very special.

Uh-huh.

Can I take you to dinner?

- [alarm beeping]

- Oh, my God.

What's going on here?

I think what I'm doing

is asking you to dinner.

- But what is the beeping?

- It's an alarm.

Yeah, but what does that

actually mean?

Usually, an alarm means

there's something wrong.

- Go fix it!

- I can't, I'm in the middle of something.

Let's just cut this short.

Do something. Just do something.

I can't, until we figure

this dinner thing out.

Okay, fine! Yeah, what the hell.

Just get the hell back in there!

[chuckles]

Okay, here's the alarm.

[switch clicks]

[alarm stops]

I will call you.

[groans] Oh, my God.

This book! I mean, the things

Christian does to her!

My God! It's absurd.

I could have put him in jail

for any one of those things.

But she sure was having fun.

Yes, she was.

It's not like

we don't have fun.

No, but it's

a different kind of fun.

- Very different.

- Like this.

- This is fun.

- For sure.

I just can't stop thinking

about when he snuck her off

and he gave it to her right there

in the boathouse, you know?

- Oh, the boathouse.

- Yeah.

Do you think anyone

our age still goes...

Hi, beautiful friends!

Yeah, I think

some people do.

Uh, let me guess.

You saw Arthur again.

I did, I did.

We had coffee.

And you slept with him.

Oh, God, no!

Although I have to admit, he's

still very charming and fun.

So you find him

charming and fun,

but you didn't

sleep with him.

Exactly.

I don't sleep with people

I like. You know that.

- I gave that up in the '90s.

- You make no sense.

I make perfect sense.

[whispers]

Now, now, now, now.

Tell me what is going on.

Tell me everything.

You are too happy.

I don't like this.

[sighs] Okay.

- Best book ever!

- Yes!

What is going on?

Oh, yeah. No, wait.

Imagine this, okay?

Um, so,

me sitting on a plane,

uh, you know,

reading our little book...

and, well, this, um,

devilishly handsome man...

Oh my God, is this going

where I hope it is?

Yes, it is. You know what he did?

He asked me out to dinner.

Well, that's not exactly...

- Oh, shh!

- You met a man on an airplane?

Yeah, and guess what?

A pilot!

[laughter]

Love a man in uniform.

Your husband just died!

Harry. Yeah.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, he was...

He was such a good man.

That was the best thing

that ever happened to you.

Harry dying was the best thing

that ever happened to her?

Yeah, 'cause now she can have sex with

somebody who's not an accountant.

Wait a minute.

Are you crazy?

Sex? Forget about it.

I don't even remember

how to have sex. No way!

Don't worry,

it'll all come back.

It's just like

riding a bicycle.

Except instead of

riding a bicycle,

you have sex with a man.

Note to self:
Watch Carol

ride a bicycle someday.

If you need a refresher,

I know somebody who sure

does know how to have sex.

I don't know what that is,

but I'll tell you one thing:

it is definitely

not sex, okay?

No, you're right,

that's not sex.

That's crazy hot sex.

Can we please

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