Book Club Page #5

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and that is when Terry Sanders

came up to me, and he said...

It was so sweet! He said,

"I think I love you, Dee-Dee."

Yeah, and then he grabbed

my face with both of his hands,

and he was like,

I don't know...

Maybe he had seen it

in some movie or something.

But he held my face,

and, for a moment,

my mind went completely blank

in the greatest possible way.

Oh, God. I mean, we didn't...

We didn't know

what we were doing, we just...

- Terry knew.

- Maybe, yeah.

We stood there like that,

you know...

We just stood there. Frozen.

And you know,

I didn't really care.

Because...

the feeling of his hands

on my face...

You know what I wish?

I wish...

everyone had a first kiss

like that.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

You know, I don't...

I don't know why I told you

the whole story!

That was a beautiful...

That was a beautiful story.

Thank you.

I wish I was kissed

by Terry Sanders.

[Diane laughs]

Where is he? Whatever

happened to Terry Sanders?

- I need to track him down.

- [Diane] Oh, Terry Sanders...

No, what actually

happened to him

was that he died

in a plane crash.

He died, yeah.

He just went like that.

- Plane crash?

- [Diane] Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

No.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

He didn't die in a plane crash.

You've been waiting

all this time

just to hit me

with a plane crash joke.

I couldn't help it.

Diane can get a man

to fly in from another state,

and I can't get my husband

to come in from the garage!

Well, you have to give him

a good enough reason.

Well, since when is sex not a

good enough reason for a man?

Honey, you're not dealing with a man,

you're dealing with an older man.

Different animal.

He's not thinking about sex.

He's conditioned to think

that "inside" means changing a

light bulb or fixing the toilet.

Both of which sound infinitely

more satisfying to me.

So basically, I'm screwed.

Or not screwed, as it were.

He needs a reminder.

Take him back to a time

when sex was on his mind.

- Miss O'Donnell?

- Yeah.

This was dropped

at the desk for you.

- Thank you, Runako.

- You're welcome.

It's Pavlovian.

Present the right stimulus,

you will not believe

how quickly he'll come.

Must you always be

so crass?

Look whose mind

is in the gutter!

[Sharon] I know!

It's because of this book.

The whipping

and the flogging.

I'm learning things no one our

age should even know about!

I mean, sex is...

Ugh!

Not that a little kissing or

petting would kill me, but...

Is that a poncho?

Um... all right, sharing.

"Next time we should

wear protection"?

"Love, Arthur."

Uh, you weren't gonna

tell us about this.

I told you

we went out for coffee.

Unbelievable! That is not

how I go out for coffee.

The entire world

is coupling up.

You just need to put yourself

out there the same way Tom did.

You see her going online?

[chuckles]

I mean, let's not lose

all our sense of reality.

Well, why not?

There are plenty

of fish in the sea

- who would adore her.

- [Vivian] I agree.

But to catch one she'd actually

have to take out a pole

and make her way

down to the water.

You really don't think

I can do it.

Well, I think you can.

I just don't think you will.

Then let's drink to me

and my pole going online.

- Well, yay! Good for you.

- Yay!

But you might want

to lose the pole.

Yeah. Good call.

[sighs]

Life motto?

I'll give you a life motto.

"No one with a life

has a motto."

[chuckles]

"Find a mate?"

What am I, Lin-Lin the Panda

at the San Diego Zoo?

- [camera clicking]

- No! No, no, no.

[yells]

Stop it!

Sh*t!

[Carol clears throat]

My old uniform.

What do you think?

I feel like

I'm in a time machine.

I know.

And it still fits!

- Ta-da!

- [fabric rips]

There's some duct tape

on the shelf.

You're sweet, but that

just makes it easier to...

Oh, you need... you need

duct tape. Okay...

And, uh, give me the zip ties.

Zip ties.

Are you thinking about

tying me up?

What?

Nothing. It's just something

I was reading about.

Is there anything else

I can do for you?

No, I think I'm good, thanks.

I just needed more light

before I can get inside

her crankshaft.

Check her out.

Check out...

your motorcycle?

Yeah.

- It sure brings back memories.

- Yeah.

And she's a lot prettier

than I remember.

I wouldn't complain if you

want to take me for a ride.

[tire pops, air hissing out]

Rain check?

I'm sorry.

I talked your ear off.

- I'll recover.

- You will? I wonder.

Just let me know

when you're back in Arizona.

Oh! Well, actually, I'm going

to be there this weekend.

How inconvenient.

How inconvenient, yeah.

Anyway...

- It was really lovely.

- Oh, it was really lovely. So...

- Good night.

- Have a good night.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you.

[groans quietly] Oh, God.

We need to get control

of this situation.

I don't want a repeat

of what was going on

in the evidentiary hearing.

[message alert chime]

Let's turn our phones off,

please.

Not mine.

[message alert chime]

Am I the only one

hearing this?

I believe it's from...

over there.

[message alert chime]

Holy sh*t.

[pop music playing]

Here, Ginsburg,

you want to go out?

Go.

Go ahead.

Okay, fine.

- Be lethargic.

- [mewls]

Damn you, E.L. James.

His name is George and he's

probably a serial killer.

No man is perfect.

Well, he's also certainly

not normal.

I mean, normal people don't

go trolling for dates online.

You do.

Yeah, I rest my case.

Maybe he's your

Christian Grey.

- He's a bald tax attorney.

- Okay, maybe not.

But at least

you have a date.

I'm never gonna have sex again

for the rest of my life.

[Sharon] He might not

even have arms!

- Hey.

- What?

These are essential.

They hold you in, smooth everything down.

Life changing.

I'm gonna get them for you.

Come here.

Well, let's just say things did

not go exactly as planned.

You've been married

too long.

In the army, when they want

to get a soldier's attention,

they just blow

on the trumpet.

Well, that is precisely

what I was attempting.

- And the soldier?

- Absent without leave.

In fact, the trumpet never

even came out of the barracks.

The commanding officer put

a kibosh on the mission, huh?

Yes. Mission aborted.

[Sharon] Oh, Jesus Christ, enough

with the metaphors already.

[groans]

My organs just shifted.

You're gonna be fine.

Do scuba breathing.

So, okay,

give him one of these...

and the lieutenant

will stand at attention.

You think

that's the problem?

I've been doing field research

on this demographic a long time.

He's probably just embarrassed.

This is gonna be

a game changer, trust me.

[Sharon groans]

You need some help?

[Sharon] I need

the Jaws of Life.

[laughs]

Um, I don't think

you have that on quite right,

but it's gonna look amazing.

I look like

a Lane Bryant mannequin.

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to

picture your serial killer

trying to peel you

out of that thing.

- He's gonna have to use his teeth.

- If he has teeth.

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