Booty Call Page #5

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Don"t you think we need

some protection?

I just went to the store.

I got that. Don"t worry.

You need a dental dam to protect

against the exchange of bodily fluid.

Where do I get some dental dam?

I been to the store.

Plastic wrap in the kitchen

next to the refrigerator.

- In the kitchen.

- All right.

Hurry up. Hurry.

- Okay.

- Clears another hurdle.

Didn"t know I was in the Olympics,

did you?

- Don"t tear up my kitchen, now.

- I got it. Dam. Here you go.

Well, don"t look like

we be going downtown.

- That"s okay, babe.

- It"s not. I want you to go downtown.

See, if you go to the store...

...then when you come back...

...you do me...

...and l"II do you.

Yeah, but the store"s a long way...

Okay.

To the store.

It"s one thing we"re leaving

to go get rubbers.

It"s another thing to get

plastic wrap for sh*t I don"t do.

Hey, I might hurt you.

You"re my friend, but I might hurt you.

Hey, man. You poked me in the eye.

Cut that sh*t down.

- Look. The butt-plugs are back.

- You got any plastic wrap?

Yeah, in the back,

next to the onions.

All right. What"s so funny?

You got to lick it

Before you kick it

You"ve got to mak e it soft and wet

Before you stick it

Hey, hey, camel cowboys.

We just want some wrap,

and then we out of here.

Oh, yeah. No. Most people come in

to buy GLAD Wrap at 2 in the morning.

You got to punch it

Before you munch it

You"ve got to work it

Before you jerk it

See? See? This is why

l"m in favour of immigration reform.

You"re fresh off the boat

and already f***ing with people.

Oh, my God, take a breather.

- You feel better?

- I feel better.

I was just pulling your arm.

- Pulling your leg.

- Arm.

- You can"t say " pulling your arm."

- Why do you correct me?

- You are not in Bombay now.

- I wish I was in Bombay.

- Then go to Bombay.

- L"m not staying.

See who we get it from now?

The cold part is they got a point.

These women are running us.

We not running them.

Do you see how expensive

this sh*t is?

- Singh, you got anything cheaper?

- Rushon.

- Come up here, boy.

- Damn. Judge Peabody.

He go to my mother"s church.

He a Holy Roller too.

- Hey, judge.

- Rushon, what you doing out?

We just came to get a sandwich.

Ain"t nothing out this late

but the devil...

...and the devil"s helper.

- Hey, judge.

You want that GLAD Wrap?

GLAD Wrap at 2 in the morning?

Looks like you plan on eating

more than a sandwich.

Your mother know

what you"re doing?

- Well, she...

- Look here, son.

It"s bad enough you plan to fornicate.

Don"t compound the crime by lying.

Lies are the oil that grease the track.

One-way to "desolution."

Now, I know...

...what condoms and GLAD Wrap,

it has its place...

...in the pantheon of safe sex.

There"s only one way

to be totally safe...

...and that"s abstinence and purity.

- And sexual frustration.

- I know how you all feel.

When that furry temptress

seems like she"s calling your name.

She say, " Come on, Rushon!

Get some! Put your hand on it!

You want some more?

Rub it on in there.

You want me to rub it?

Bite me.

Suck it, you filthy..."

You know, and things like that.

You know?

Man, you got my nipples hard.

Watch how you talk to me.

- L"m sorry.

- L"m sorry for you.

L"m trying to help you.

That"s where you gotta be strong.

You have to take a pledge.

You say, " I swear on the seal

of this great state of New York...

...that I would never..."

- Say, judge, we gonna do this or what?

Yes. Yes, l"II be right out, miss.

L"II be right out.

That"s what l"m talking about.

So remember what I said...

...because I said it.

And tell your mother I say hello.

You-all have a great evening.

Judge, you forgot your Goodyears.

L"II come back and get it.

I have to take my clerk home.

I told you I was coming out.

Didn"t have to come in there.

Look, man, l"m a little low on cash.

Y"all got anything cheaper?

That"s the 300.

The 100 is back on the shelf.

Come on, man.

We running out of time.

I don"t trust those boys.

I think that that girl was

the judge"s fuzzy temptress.

- Furry temptress.

- What"s the difference?

What"s the difference?

You don"t know?

- Put the money in the bag.

- We are talking.

- Lf furry is here and fuzzy is here...

- Hey!

- I said, put the money in the bag.

- Your customer.

Listen, you Pakistani piece of sh*t,

do what I say.

Listen, you crack addict,

we"re not Pakistani. We are Punjabis.

I could pass for Pakistani.

Oh, sh*t, Bunz, these motherfuckers

are getting jacked.

As soon as he shoots them,

l"m gonna go get some groceries.

- Ever use the left side of your brain?

- All the time. Take these.

Hey, let"s clock this motherf***er.

Hurry up.

Give me the goddamn money.

Call me a Pakistani.

Oh, my, my, my, my, my.

Oh, my, my, my.

- And you wonder why you"re a floater.

- Are you out of your f***ing minds?

Punk motherf***er.

Bunz, you all right?

I think I got a pickle

stuck in my ass.

There we go.

Tonight.

- I ain"t coming back out here.

- That"s the spirit. Bunz.

- What?

- Got a little something in here.

- Man, you wacked.

- Straighten you out.

Nikki, your man"s home.

I don"t wanna hear it.

L"m in the bathroom.

Why don"t you get ready.

I am ready, girl. I been ready.

Seven weeks ready. Sh*t.

Hey, Nikki.

This plastic ain"t easy to come by.

You don"t know what I been through.

But I think I finally got

this safe-sex thing down pat.

You sure you know what you"re doing?

Do I know what l"m doing?

I know what l"m doing.

Say you want some dental dam,

I got your dental dam.

Build your ass the Hoover Dam,

that"s what l"II do.

L"II whack that ass tonight.

My turn to do what I want.

You shut up before I wrap

your ass like a hot dog.

Oh, my God. Rushon, Rushon.

Sit up so you can get some air.

Sit up.

Okay, okay, okay.

You gotta breathe. Let me help you.

You are supposed to put this

around my pelvic area, not your head.

Sorry, babe. Let"s do this.

- " Let"s do this"?

- L"m fired up now.

Rushon, you almost died.

Oh, my God, you are the only man

in this world I know...

...dumb enough

to do something like this.

Help a brother out.

Get him up!

Sit him up.

- Rushon, help me.

- What?

Pop it!

Motherf***er, was you gonna wait

for me to turn into a butterfly?

- Dj vu.

- Would you lookie here.

Oh, I been looking.

You know, I told him

I was coming right back.

Bunz, did you think

you were gonna spoil or something?

L"ve got some aluminium foil

over in the cabinet too.

I don"t wanna hit no woman,

but I tell you right now...

When did this become Def Comedy

Jam? Nikki, what is so funny?

- L"m sorry, baby.

- "L"m sorry, baby."Ain"t this a b*tch.

I ain"t never had to go through

this much sh*t to get a piece of ass.

They got you slipping,

you got me slipping. L"m out.

- You with me?

- L"m out. Come on.

- Rushon, where you going?

- L"m going home.

It"s about time you handled

your business like a man.

I still got time to make my booty call.

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