Bordering on Bad Behavior Page #6

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you get that gun from?

I bought it last week off

some crazy orthodox Jew.

I told you there was no rounds

in this son of a b*tch.

Come on, Baz,

a bit of Texan Redneck Roulette

can't be that bad, right?

Alright, ladies...

As I'm the only man around here,

I will go first.

What do you call a good-looking

Arab, huh?

Oh, as if.

Your turn, Ari.

Give me that gun, Santa Claus.

P*ssy.

The only question's

where's the bullet, right?

F*** this!

To America!

The most powerful country

in the world and the dumbest,

I want to thank you

for supporting us!

Hope you blow your brains out,

Ari.

Oh that's right,

you don't even got none.

Suck this, hillbilly!

Do it, p*ssy!

Bottle, please.

Gun, please.

My pleasure, my Arabic brother.

Sukran, my Jewish sister.

P*ssy.

If I was sober, this would seem

like a really f***ing bad idea.

C*nts.

- F***, come on!

- Give me back my bottle.

The goddamn gun.

To the greatest country

in the world.

God bless...

America.

- Sh*t!

- F***!

You alright?

Oh Jesus.

- Sh*t!

- Oh God,

please help me!

I was just trying to break up

the hatred between you two,

now I gone and blown off

the balls, you know?

Now I'm just like Ari.

Alright Bob, I'm going to

take off your pants, okay?

Don't get too excited.

It's all gonna be okay,

you big teddy bear.

Take it the f*** off!

Man, you should see the looks on

your two dumb-ass Jew-Arab faces.

You fell for that

dumb sh*t you two.

I just can't believe it!

Gonna risk my life over

a stupid f***ing game, huh?

Huh?

Hey why you keep staring

at my manhood?

You wanna say "Hi"?

Aw, Bob.

I pulled the old switcharoo!

Dumbass.

Ow! It's bleeding,

you motherfuckers!

It's bleeding for God's sake!

Hey Baz,

give me that bottle, man.

I'm not thirsty, Ari!

I need a Band-Aid and some ice.

- You're not thirsty?

- No, no!

Ahhh!!

Ah come on Bubba, we've gotta clean

the infected area, my friend.

No it don't hurt really,

it's just my dick.

You spit on my dick, you prick.

Cheers, mate!

Oh it's bigger!

Do it again.

Bigger than what?

Where's my real gun?

Okay, pussies, we are both... smoke some

of this fine weed that I have created.

This is smooth sh*t, Bob.

You need to change careers.

Oh, it's in the cards.

We're all gonna die,

so it's confession time.

- Confession time?

- Yep.

You're a priest now?

Oh sh*t!

Sh*t, it just hit me!

This is good sh*t, Bob.

What the f*** are you talking

about "good sh*t"?

This is f***ing

perfect sh*t man!

I've never felt so happy

in my whole goddamn life!

Dear Lord...

as we sit here today

in this shitty little base,

we know our fate

is around the corner.

And I would like to confess

my sins to you tonight.

As a good Christian, I was

brought up to love my own.

But...

I have...

fallen in love.

I've fallen in love with

a beautiful angel.

She's not Christian.

She's a Muslim.

- Okay, I didn't see that one coming.

- Shut the f*** up, Ari!

Sorry Lord, I was just dealing

with one of your chosen people.

My dear Nancy is the great love

of my life.

And if you will let me

live tonight, Lord,

I will marry her.

And I don't care what anybody

says or thinks, I don't care...

about the backlash

from my family and friends.

I will marry her.

And I will be the best goddamn

husband that there ever was.

Amen.

Amen!

Amen.

Amen, man!

Who's next?

- I'll go...

- Okay.

Cry-baby.

I know.

Dear Lord, God...

Allah...

- whatever your name might be.

- Bob!

I don't think

your name's Bob, but...

I want to share a bit about my

life with these two good guys.

As you know...

I'm married to...

a wonderful woman

by the name of Jewels.

And we have one...

just, just beautiful...

full-of-life little girl

that we named Lisa.

My wife...

is Jewish!

Really?

Now, I have always

believed that...

religion

is a doubled-edge sword.

On the one hand,

it brings faith, hope,

guidance.

And on the other, it brings

hatred to other religions,

old rules that sometimes

don't work in today's world,

- and division amongst society.

- - Ain't that the truth.

So before I die tonight,

I want to thank you for letting

me be the kind of person

who loves all and hates all

by their actions,

not their religion.

Oh, and I hope you have fine

Havana cigars in Heaven.

Amen, job done,

over and out, bye-bye!

Ari, your turn.

Well, uh...

I grew up

in a very religious house,

you know, we have

strong roots to our land.

So I did my national service, you know,

I went to the Golani Brigade.

And then after my service,

I went to study abroad in London.

And I came back to Israel

with a new look on life.

I was meeting new people,

new cultures, drugs, women...

Hell yeah!

...and uh, then...

my sister was killed...

by a suicide bomber.

In the back of my mind,

I always disliked Arabs.

But ever since then,

it turned into

an all-consuming hatred.

I'm sorry to hear that, Ari.

- Yeah, yeah.

- We are not all bad men.

Yeah, you know, but tonight,

you know, like,

talking with you guys,

I may have found some peace.

I know one man's actions

can't reflect an entire race.

I don't know if it's you,

or this clown, here,

or the weed that pulled me out

of this black f***ing hole!

F*** this man,

I'm gonna forgive.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna move on.

Okay, let's do this.

Let's move on.

Let's move on!

Okay, okay enough of this

hugging sh*t, alright?!

I got some secret magical weed.

More weed?

Uh huh!

You freak, Bob, you know

you have a problem, right?

It's called "Mother Mary."

- Mother Mary?

- - Yeah.

What's in Mother Mary?

LSD skank and some LSD

and some coke.

Are you nuts?!

Hey, come on, all you pussies!

Let's smoke this bad-ass sh*t!

Nuts got nothing to do with it.

Whoa! The coke is king.

My father is gonna

f***ing murder me.

No that soldier is when he

comes through that door.

F***, Bob, f***!

- Angels, angels.

- What?

Angels!

Oh, sh*t!

Give me a kiss!

Look at this!

Drink it!

It's called a shotgun,

not a bullet.

Welcome back

to "The Heavenly View."

I hope you all had a fabulous weekend

and didn't party too hard with Lucifer.

That cheeky bastard sure knows

how to throw a party.

I have a letter here from "smack bang

in the middle of conflict town."

Ari and Baz have sent in a few

questions for us holy souls to answer.

The first question is from Ari

and it reads:

Why are the chosen people

being persecuted?

Ari, stop your whining.

Each and every race and religion

at one time or another has been

persecuted by each other

since this

day care center opened.

Yes, you have to stop thinking

"us" and start thinking "we."

That "us" is the source

of all evil.

Exactly, I agree with the tart.

Uh right, so the next question

that we've got,

this one is from "fat-ass Bob."

He wants to know:

"What's with all the fighting

in the Middle East?"

It's a good question, chunky!

Oh my dad! What can I say?

We the people of the Middle East,

we have short tempers.

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