Boy Meets Girl Page #5

- So I'm straight?

- No.

Well, I put my penis

in a vagina last night.

Which I still

can't believe, but, uh,

yeah, okay, no, by-by

doin' that, you were straight.

Even though I have breasts?

Yeah, whatever,

you can have rhinoceros ears,

but if you have a dick,

and you stick it in a vagina

that- that's

straight sex, sister.

A lovely image, all right,

so then, what's gay sex?

Well, gay for a woman is when

she rubs her vagina and breasts

on another woman

with a vagina and breasts.

Do they have

to have rhinoceros ears?

Oh, whatever they do.

Y-you know, kiss, scissorin'.

- Ooh, look at you!

- Hey!

I am knowledgeable in the

arts of various sexual arenas.

Oh, please.

You thank God

for "Glee" every day,

or you'd still think scissoring

was a mixed martial

arts tap-out hold.

I'm a- I'm a- I'm a Gleek

and I'm proud of it.

But I knew about that

before that episode.

Why does it even matter what

you label as your sexuality?

It doesn't.

Look, I could care less, okay?

Whatever floats your boat.

What do I give a f***?

But if you have a penis,

I mean, however it got on there,

and you-you stick it in a butt

of a person with-with

another penis on theirself,

that's gay sex, okay?

I mean I- you know,

in that moment

call yourself

whatever you want.

So then, you

are a full-on straight dude?

- Yeah, you're damn right.

- Never bi-curious in the least?

Not even a little.

Just love you some

woo-woo and breastesses.

- All day long!

- Yeah!

Some good, clean,

normal, God-fearing,

American, boy-meets-girl,

heterosexual sex.

Mmm!

Damn right, girl!

And during this good,

clean, normal, God-fearing,

American, boy-meets-girl,

heterosexual sex,

you ever like when a girl

sticks her finger up your butt?

What, like that's

never happened to you?

No!

No, it has not.

Mm-hmm.

I-I mean,

I don't know, maybe once.

With a Jewish girl.

Okay, so, that-that

one time with, "a Jewish girl,"

did you like it?

- It was okay.

- Uh-huh.

One finger or two?

- I don't- who can remember?

- Two.

- Okay, so was that gay sex?

- No!

Wha-

Well, by your definition

that's somebody else's body

part goin' up your, you know,

so that makes it gay, right?

- Hold on, now.

No. No!

That- first of all,

it-it's- that's

not a man-member goin'

up my butt, it's a finger -

- Two fingers.

- Whatever!

And it-it's-it's

a girl's fingers.

Pretty thick.

And long.

Two fingers, I don't know,

it's-it's sort of like,

uh, hmm, a penis.

No!

No.

Nothing like a penis.

So, it's the material that

the phallus is made of

that determines whether

it's gay sex or not.

And the sex of the person

administering the phallus.

Correct.

Okay, I think I'm clear now.

Thank you, sweet baby Jesus.

All right,

I think this is her place.

You can just pull over

right there.

Wow.

- Hi.

- Hey!

- Hey, Robby.

- Hey.

Oh.

- Here you go.

- Oh!

I am so excited!

Oh, my God, I love it,

I love it, I love it, I love it!

- Oh my G -

- Wow, Ricky, it-it's beautiful.

- Really, you like it?

- Yeah.

Thank you so much!

Thank you.

My mama said that you can

come to the party tonight.

Oh! Well, I mean that's sweet,

but we-

I kinda have plans with Robby.

Horror movie night,

Bella Lugosi,

the original Dracula.

Oh, well, Robby,

why don't you come, too?

Well, as her date.

it'll be just as fun

and scary as a vampire movie,

especially when Uncle Wally

tries to help

the little boys pee.

Just kidding.

Kinda.

Please come?

Please, please,

please, please, please?

Please?

- Okay.

- Yes! Yes!

The basic philosophy that we

have brought to the White House

just doesn't work.

It's gonna bankrupt the country,

you can guarantee it.

I mean, what's- think

of the future of our children.

They are not gonna

be able to live creatively.

They aren't gonna

have the funds -

If y'all excuse me, um,

it's very nice talkin' to you.

Well, nice talkin' to you,

Madam.

Hey!

Hi.

You look amazing.

Thanks.

You look great.

Thank you.

- Hi, Robby.

- Hey.

Oh, Mom.

Um, this is Ricky.

This is the one

that made me this dress.

I am so happy

to meet you, Ricky.

I really can't

believe you made this.

It is stunning!

- Thank you.

- Um, this is Robby.

Well, pleased to meet you,

too, handsome, young Robby.

The rich just keep

gettin' richer, am I right?

Talented and

a stud-muffin on your arm.

Well, thank you,

but we're just friends.

Well, you need to change that,

my dear, ASAP.

Anyone can see

he is smitten with you.

Don't have cold feet.

Who are your,

uh, friends, Darlin'?

- Uh, this is Ricky.

- Pleased to meet you, Sir.

Robby Riley,

honor to meet you, Sir.

Thank you, Son.

Are you old enough to vote?

And if so, are you votin'

for me in the next election?

Come on, now.

Keep the politics outta this.

We are havin' a party.

Yes, we are.

And it is a very

special party indeed.

- Hmm?

- Uh, folks?

Folks, can I have your,

uh, attention please?

- For a moment?

- What?

Um, as you know, my beautiful

daughter Francesca

is betrothed to a fine young

soldier, David Applebee,

who is fightin' for our great

country in Afghanistan.

- Yes, Sir.

- Yes.

- Yes, Sir.

Upon his return,

they are to be wed

in a most lavish of ceremonies.

Now, the last year has taken

a toll on her pretty smile,

mopin' around all day,

only able to see David

on the computer with the

Facebook and Tweet and Skype,

whatever it's all called.

And I simply couldn't

stand to have it anymore.

It was draggin' us all down.

So, I made a coupla calls to

some military friends of mine

in the Pentagon,

who agreed that David

had served our country proud

in Afghanistan

the last fifteen months

and deserved to be stationed

a little closer to home,

so he could spend

some time with his fiance

before the wedding.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Aw.

Welcome home, Son.

So how do you all

know Francesca?

Were you away

at school together?

Oh, no,

I just met her in town.

I went to school here, actually.

Oh, so you know David,

her fianc, then?

Yeah, well, I do.

We, uh,

played football together.

I didn't really know him.

God, high school in this town,

who can survive it?

Isn't that the truth?

I was fat.

I had terrible acne.

And I was a boy,

so that sucked.

Pardon us, ladies.

I know you're old enough

to vote for me.

The question is, are you gonna?

Oh, Dayton.

Hey,

what's the matter, baby?

Aren't you happy to see me?

Why would you

even ask me that?

Of course, I'm happy.

I don't know.

You seem a little strange.

And you missed our

Skype date last night.

That's the first time

in fifteen months I been gone?

I know. I'm sorry, I just...

Where were ya?

Your new best friend's house?

The tranny?

Okay, David,

please don't call her that.

Her name is Ricky.

Hey, it's a dude, not a she.

Or maybe a she-male,

or whatever,

- but definitely not a, "her."

- Please be nice.

She's an amazing person.

You don't even know her.

So you were at his house.

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