Bridesmaids Page #10

You know what?

Why can't you

just be happy for me

and then go home and

talk behind my back later,

like a normal person?

I am happy for you, Lillian.

I am very happy for you.

I wish you well.

I won't bother

you any more.

Are you kidding me? Annie!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Get back here! Stop.

No, no! She does

not get a party favor.

She does not get a dog!

And if you are

going to act like this,

then don't even bother

coming to my wedding!

I'm proud of you, Lil.

Shut up, Helen!

Anybody else have anything

they want to share today?

I took two dogs already.

They're in the back of my van.

What?

What? Where are you going?

Hit and run! Classy!

Perfect! Okay.

I'm gonna find you!

I'm coming!

Come on! Come on! Come on.

No!

Sh*t.

I can't say

I'm surprised.

I did tell you to

get your lights fixed.

Yeah, I know.

And now here we are.

Look, I have

had a horrible day.

I don't need a lecture

from you right now, okay?

I just... Helen just...

Oh! Don't...

This didn't happen

because of Helen.

This happened

because you didn't get

your taillights fixed.

It's pretty simple.

Do you have any idea

how frustrating it is

to see you,

night by night,

drive past me

with your f***ing

taillights still broken?

Do you have any idea

how crazy that makes me?

It's a simple solution!

Your problem, Annie,

is that you just

don't understand

that you can hurt people

with these broken lights.

Don't you see how

irresponsible this is?

Yes, I should have

gotten my f***ing

taillights fixed.

But I didn't, okay?

I didn't.

Listen,

don't worry about it.

Seriously.

Your message

was received.

No, look, please,

I don't know what's

going on with me right now.

Look, it's fine. Don't bother.

Really, what's done is done.

That's it?

Where are you going?

That's it! That's it.

That's how this works.

Come on. I didn't...

For the record, Annie,

you flirted with me.

You made me feel like

you really liked me,

which was really unfair.

And then you came home with me

and we did stuff, fun stuff,

and then you just left,

just like it was nothing.

Oh, please. I know

how guys do this thing.

I know how guys act.

One minute,

it means something.

The next minute, it doesn't.

Right, yeah, you've

got it all figured out.

Yeah.

How is that

working out for you?

Pretty good?

Boom!

What's up, f***-buddy?

You call for some

roadside assistance?

Thanks, officer.

I can handle it

from here on out.

Come on!

I didn't have

anyone else to call!

I didn't know that

you were gonna show up!

That's the problem

with cops, Annie.

We're just never

there when you need us.

That cop talks weird.

- Come on, dingus.

Tick-tock. I got sh*t to do.

Check it out.

Look what's steering the car.

Thanks again

for picking me up.

Not a problem.

Were you busy?

Well, it is Friday.

You know,

you look tired.

If you're tired,

you can totally

lay down in my lap,

if you want.

What?

Just take a little lap-nap.

If you want.

Open for biz.

Okay, can you just pull over?

Yeah, actually,

that's an even better idea.

No, no, no, can you

please just stop the car?

I want to get out.

No, it's super gravelly.

Please pull over!

Why?

Because I would rather

get murdered out here

than spend the next

half-an-hour with you.

Can you please

just pull over?

Come on, Annie.

It's called humor.

Learn about it.

Besides, I would

never last a half-hour.

Good bye, Ted.

If you're trying to

turn me on, it's working.

You used me!

No big deal.

You are no longer

my number three!

Wilson!

Wilson! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, Wilson.

Wilson, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

Oh, no, Wilson.

Wilson!

I'm coming in.

Let's go, let's go.

And we're walking.

Okay, we're walking.

Heel. Heel!

No pee. No!

Not on the carpet!

Okay, we're coming...

We're coming in.

Everybody is in

and having fun.

We're having fun.

And heel! We're heeling.

Heel!

How many of

those did you take?

I took nine.

Yeah, I did

slightly over-commit

to the whole dog thing.

It turns out, I'm probably

more comfortable with six.

It's a lot... That's

a lot of energy to deal with.

But you wouldn't know

anything about that,

because you haven't

been returning my calls.

And say what, Megan?

Say, "Hi, I can't

get off the couch.

"I got fired from my job.

I got kicked out

of my apartment.

"I can't pay any of my bills.

My car is a piece of sh*t.

"I don't have any friends.

The last time

You know what I

find interesting

about that, Annie?

It's interesting to me

that you have

absolutely no friends.

You know why

it's interesting?

Here's a friend

standing directly

in front of you,

trying to talk to you.

And you choose to

talk about the fact

that you don't

have any friends.

You know what I mean.

No, I don't think

you want any help.

I think you want to

have a little pity party.

That's not true.

I think Annie wants

a little pity party.

You're an a**hole, Annie!

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

You're an a**hole. I'm life.

Is life bothering you?

Yes! What are you doing?

I'm life, Annie.

I'm life, Annie.

You have got to

fight back on life.

Megan!

You better learn to fight.

Megan!

I'm life and I'm going

to bite you in the ass!

Megan...

it's not me.

I'm your life. Turn over!

My God!

I'm trying to get you to fight

for your shitty life,

and you won't do it!

You just won't do it.

Stop it.

You stop slapping yourself.

Stop slapping yourself.

I'm your life, Annie.

I'm your shitty...

I'm sorry.

Nice hit.

All right.

I'm glad to see

you've got a little

bit of spark in you.

I knew that Annie

was in there somewhere.

I think...

I think you're ready now

to hear a little

story about a girl.

A girl named Megan.

A girl named

Megan that didn't have

a very good time

in high school.

I'm referring to

myself when I say "Megan."

It's me, Megan.

Yeah, I got that.

I know you look at

me now and think,

"Boy, she must have

breezed through high school."

Not the case, Annie.

No, this was not easy

going up and down the halls.

Okay?

They used to

try to blow me up.

They threw

firecrackers at my head.

Firecrackers.

I mean literally.

I'm not saying

that figuratively.

I got firecrackers

thrown at my head.

They called me a freak.

Do you think I

let that break me?

Do you think I went home

to my mommy, crying,

"I don't have any friends.

Megan doesn't

have any friends"?

No, I did not.

You know what I did?

I pulled myself up,

I studied really hard.

I read every book in

the library. And now?

I work for the government.

I have

the highest possible

security clearance.

Don't repeat that!

I won't.

I can't protect you.

I know where

all the nukes are

and I know the codes.

I won't say anything.

You would be amazed.

A lot of shopping malls.

Don't repeat that!

I won't.

I have six houses.

I bought an 18-wheeler

a couple of months

ago just because I could.

Okay, you lost Lillian.

You got another best friend

sitting right in front of you,

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