Bridesmaids Page #7

protect and serve

Air Marshal-style.

What?

I don't want to

infringe on your privacy, man.

I just... I really appreciate

what you do for this country.

And I respect

the hell out of you.

That's great.

I'm not an Air Marshal.

I'm going to take a nap.

Awesome.

Cool.

I'll take the first watch.

I'm not an Air Marshal.

You don't need

to take a watch.

Okay.

I've got the first watch.

Please check

your seat belts

and that your seat backs

are in an upright

position before takeoff

Gosh.

I am really hoping

this flight is quick,

and we get there on

the ground safely.

I'm not a good flyer,

I'm sorry.

I had a dream last

night that we went down.

Yep. It was terrible.

You were in it.

What?

It sounds like

something's happening.

Annie, what are you

doing up here?

You are supposed

to be in your seat.

I know.

I'm freaking out

a little bit.

Ma'am, we're still ascending.

You're gonna need to

return to your seat.

Okay, I was just...

Annie, I have something.

Take two, you'll fall asleep,

wake up and we'll be there.

Here.

Ma'am, you're going

to have to return to

your seat, please.

It's fine.

Okay. All right.

- Ma'am!

- All right. All right.

Oh, my God, I feel terrible,

I should be sitting

back there with her.

I shouldn't be up

here in first class.

I feel like such a jerk.

Lil, this is

your weekend, okay?

You are

treating yourself.

Just relax.

She will be fine.

She will make friends.

There is much more sense

of community in coach,

I promise you.

She'll be fine.

I can't believe

you've never been

with anybody else.

Just Kevin.

I'm sorry. I just...

Becca, I just can't

help but feel bad for you.

You don't even

know what you want.

I got to know where

you keep the gun, man.

I mean, is it ankle,

hip, lower back?

You don't...

Between the cheeks, do you?

No, I don't stick

a gun up my butt.

That's stupid.

I didn't say "up."

I just knew of a guy,

that guy did a lot

of undercover work.

And all I know is

he had tape marks

all up and down his cheeks.

That can't be true.

People don't keep

guns up their asses

because if you

needed to use it,

how are you going to get it?

He cut a hole in his pocket.

What?

In his back pocket.

You have got to get

something out of your ass

and you cut a hole in

the back of your jeans,

you want to tell me

you can't get to something?

I don't have a gun

for you to put up my ass

to make your point.

I can put my Nano.

I will show you.

I will...

If you get me scissors,

I will cut

a hole in my pocket.

And you will

never find this again

until I want you to find it.

Kevin can only have sex

in bed, in the dark,

under the covers,

only after

we have showered

separately.

And sometimes,

by the time

we are finished

cleaning ourselves,

he's too tired.

And then I pretend I'm tired,

but I'm not tired.

I'm not tired. I'm not tired.

That's why every girl needs

those slutty college years.

To experiment,

get it out of your system,

find out what you like.

Excuse me, could I

have a glass of alcohol

when you get a chance?

Two double

Seven and Sevens.

Is that...

You will like it.

It's sweet.

I have to go

to the bathroom.

But I heard about

a woman who went to

the bathroom on a plane.

She got sucked

into the toilet.

Sucked right in.

Are you okay?

Yes.

Yeah, I just think

that what you gave me

didn't really do anything.

I just have too much adrenalin

or something. But, thanks.

Why don't you take

my scotch?

It will just give the pill

a little kick that it needs.

Honestly,

I do it all the time.

Yeah?

Yeah, and I'm much

smaller than you,

so you'll handle it.

Well, thanks.

Yeah?

Okay.

Yummy?

Yeah, it's good.

You should just toss it back.

Don't waste any more time.

Okay.

Ohh. LOOK at that.

Okay, that'll do it.

That'll do it.

So you don't even

have sex any more?

No, I have sex constantly.

The sex is constant.

But he hasn't

kissed me in five years.

What are you doing

when you are

having sex, then?

Thinking about other things

and wishing it would stop.

You know, sometimes

I just want to watch

The Daily Show

without him entering me.

It's the Wet

Republic Ultra Pool.

No.

Are you kidding?

What is it again?

There is a bar in

the pool and a tiger.

What?

- it's crazy.

- It's Vegas at its best.

Wait a minute.

Is this that place

that was on The Real World?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God. It's...

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

I'm good.

I'm so much more relaxed.

Thank you, Helen.

I just feel like

I'm excited,

and I feel relaxed.

And I'm ready

to party

with the best of them!

And i'm going to

go down to the river

Wow! It looks like somebody

is really relaxing now.

What are you guys

talking about up here?

We are going to

a restaurant tonight.

I know the owner, so...

You do?

Ohh. Helen knows the owner.

Uhh!

Big whoop.

Let's go take a nap.

What do you say?

Miss, you cannot be up here.

Hello, grandpa.

I'm sorry.

I just want

to be here with

my friends,

because I'm

with this group.

The sign just went off.

Can't she stay up here

for a minute and just talk?

Absolutely not.

Coach passengers

are not allowed

up here in first class.

It's policy.

I'm sorry.

Ooh!

This is a very

strict plane

that I'm on.

Welcome to Germany.

Auf Wiedersehen, a**hole.

All right.

Why don't you go lay down?

I'm going to go take a nap.

I'm tired.

I think it's a good idea.

Catch you on the flip side,

motherfuckers.

I'm sorry.

I'm leaving.

Thank you.

This should be open,

because it's civil rights.

This is the '90s.

Right. It's not.

You're in the wrong decade.

You are.

Okay, I am.

Thank you.

Holy sh*t.

What did you give her?

Miss?

No. it's not me.

Yes, it is you.

Please go back

to your seat.

Yes, I am with him.

I am Mrs. Iglesias.

No, you are not.

You were just out here

and you put sunglasses on.

Out.

But I don't want to.

Sir, she can

have my seat, okay?

Everyone should

experience first class

at least once in their lives.

And Annie shouldn't

miss out just because

she can't afford it.

No, ma'am, I'm

afraid that's not allowed.

- Help me, I'm poor.

- No, listen,

we're a whole wedding party.

I'm the bride.

I'm getting married.

This seat is empty.

She's obviously nervous.

We'll calm her down and...

I understand.

But Claire is right.

Everybody,

go back to your seats.

Okay, you especially.

You have three seconds

to get back to your seat.

You can't get

anywhere in three seconds.

Well, you'd better try.

You are setting me

up for a loss already.

Thank you.

Whatever YOU Say, Stove.

It's Steve.

"Stove."

What kind of name is that?

That's not a name.

My name is Steve.

Are you an appliance?

No, I'm a man,

and my name is Steve.

You are a flight attendant.

That's absolutely

accurate.

You can close that.

Thank you.

Hey, not-Air Marshall Jon.

You want to get

back in that restroom

and not rest?

No, I have to get

back to my seat.

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