Bro, What Happened? Page #7

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All right, I respect you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Polly?

- What are you doing?

- Yeah?

No, no, no.

Can you come in here?

- Oh, f***.

- Yeah.

Hey...

everybody.

What is this, some kind

of extended after party?

Phil here...

partied hard last night

and he's wondering

if he partied hard

inside of you.

Phil?

Polly, I'm sorry, okay.

I just... I wanted to know

what happened.

Well, first off,

Bob, your dog Molly is dead.

I'm really sorry.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank God.

I got to tell you, I mean,

she had cancer really bad.

Cancer of her ovaries.

Oh.

I didn't even know

dog had ovaries.

Me neither.

So I'm glad

she went peacefully.

Well, here's what happened.

We were all standing

around the beer pong table

in the living room

and my ex Dave

just showed up...

Whoa!

Why, why would you

mess with a girl?

Polly.

Polly, you broke my heart.

We need to talk.

Back off, Clown.

They're with me.

This is between me and her.

Oh, yeah?

Is everyone okay up there?

Yeah, but you shot a dog.

Oh, my God.

I love dogs.

Oh, f***.

Bro, dude, you really whacked

the sh*t out of that guy.

Oh, dude, I didn't mean to.

Can you do me a favor, man?

Take him back to the dorm

and make sure

he finds his pants.

Yeah, absolutely.

Hey, Glenn.

Yeah.

He smells amazing, doesn't he?

Yeah, his face

smells like crayons.

You okay, bro?

Yeah, I'm okay, Hensen, thanks.

Hey, could you

do me a favor, man,

and make sure they actually

get him back to the dorms?

By the way, I want

to introduce you to Rachel.

She is my...

I'm his new girlfriend.

Oh.

She's a contortionist.

I'm a contortionist.

You want to see me

do the puzzle?

I do.

I do, I do.

Oh, are you okay?

Oh, I just feel...

I feel a little, oh.

Oh. Oh, my gosh.

Okay, come with me.

I'm gonna

take care of you, okay?

Thanks.

Why is it going straight

to voicemail, Phil?

Call me back now.

Look, Dave is an okay guy.

He's just a little confused.

Yeah.

I think we all are.

Yeah, I think you're right.

I'm so...

I'm sorry.

No. It's okay.

It's just, you know,

I thought you got a girlfriend.

Oh God, Beth.

I'm just...

I proposed to her

and she's coming here tomorrow.

So why aren't you sure?

It seems like

it's the only thing

that's really gonna

make her happy.

Does it make you happy?

I don't think it does.

You know, you should

never settle in your life, Phil.

Oh, God.

Look, if you ever want

to talk about anything,

you know...

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

You done?

I think so.

Oh God, I'm devastated.

Oh, God.

Why, because you farted

in front of me?

Hey, look, look, ready?

See?

I did it, too, it's no biggie.

Oh, okay, mister.

It's time to get you

cleaned up and into bed.

Oh, you are not in good shape.

Okay.

Up, up, up.

All right.

Oh, God.

Bro.

Come on.

Okay, yep.

Oh, God.

All right.

All right.

Oh. Phil.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

You know what?

Why don't we just do it

under the covers instead?

Okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

Kind of gross.

Okay.

Um, listen, I'm gonna be

right back, just stay here.

Okay?

All right.

Philip, you're supposed

to be worshiping me.

I'm supposed to be your god.

The only above me is Jesus.

You need to call your

future wife back right now.

What the f***

is wrong with you?

Hey.

Hey.

I've got a shirt, pants

and underwear

with vomit on them.

You want to help me out?

You're gonna wash them?

Yeah.

I don't know

where the laundry room is.

You're in it.

Oh, f***.

I thought that was a robot.

Doesn't it look like a robot?

A little bit.

All right.

Well, cool.

I'm about to do

a load of pukey pants myself.

Thank you.

Now if you don't mind,

I'm gonna go to Jupiter.

Oh, what the f***, man.

It's like f***ing skunk sh*t.

All right, look,

I'll see you later.

Oh, I don't know why

that's funny.

What the f*** is this, man?

This is f***ing crack.

F***! I'm gonna be

f***ing paranoid.

Hi.

Hi.

Listen, your clothes

are in the wash, all right?

They'll be ready

in the morning.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna lay down next to you,

so you don't choke

on your own vomit

in the middle of the night.

Why are you...

You think I'm gonna let you blow

chunks on my clothes, too?

But, listen, no funny business.

If you try anything,

I'm going to punch you

square in the nuts

and then I'm not gonna be

your friend anymore.

Okay?

Can you move?

Okay.

Hey, could you

turn off the light?

That's pretty much

what happened.

See, dude, I told you.

I knew I did not have sex.

Okay, you don't have to sound

so excited about it.

Well, he was just concerned

that he'd get

a case of the crotch rot

because, you know.

Because of what?

Oh, you know

what the kids call it today,

you know, a trollop.

You know, a hussy.

You're a slut.

You know,

all the guys on this campus

just love to talk about

how much sex you've all had.

Guilty, guilty for sure.

Indeed.

Wait, so, Polly,

do you mean that...

No.

Not that it's any of

your goddamn business,

but no I haven't had sex

with anyone on this campus.

A couple of years ago,

I went off to a band camp

and this guy there liked me,

but this girl liked him.

So she started a rumor saying

that I was a big old slut.

Polly is the cleanest chick

on campus,

spick and span.

You can eat off her vagina.

Thank you, Bob.

Polly, I'm sorry.

Um...

listen, I...

Oh, I'll get it.

I'll get it.

I need to ask you if,

I don't know,

maybe we can start over.

Oh-ew!

Oh.

I've been looking

all over for you.

Beth. You?

You?

Polly f***ing Wallace.

B*tch-breath

backdoor Beth.

Oh, wait a second.

You two know each other?

I cannot believe, Phil,

that your girlfriend

is backdoor Beth.

Phil, she just doesn't want us

to be here, let's go.

This is the b*tch

from band camp.

We all called her

backdoor Beth.

You want to know why?

Why?

She didn't even wait

for orientation to end

before her backend

was open for business.

No, I said in my butt only.

What's up?

Oh, yeah, keep going.

Oh, it's my first time

in the butt with a black guy.

It's great.

Excuse me, hold on.

Do you need something?

Hurry up, bro.

Polly, what the f***.

You never knock,

you dumb b*tch.

Your friend gonna join us?

No.

Get the f*** out.

What's wrong with you?

I said leave.

So were you like

born with a penis?

No, it's just

a really big clit.

You get the f*** out!

Was crazy.

That summer she had

more dongs in her ass

than a Chinese phonebook.

Oh.

Oh, damn.

It was just one summer

and technically

I'm still a virgin.

I mean, I saved my front end

engines just for you.

I call foul there.

Shut up, Cal!

Nobody asked you.

Beth, we were together

when you left for band camp.

Let's, um,

let's just get out of here

and go talk about of it,

shall we?

I don't care how many guys

you've had in your butt.

You don't?

You don't?

He may not,

but Jesus does, Beth.

No, I don't,

because I've realized

something.

I know what I want now.

And it's not you.

What?

If I were to stay with you,

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