Broadway Danny Rose Page #3

or he's gonna be a wreck by showtime.

Great idea for a TV show. Mr Televisin

looks at the stars of the '50s.

Beautiful!

That week Danny devotes

to Lou exclusively.

They go over the running order

of his act 15 times...

... what colour shirts to wear, his weight -

he wants Lou to lose some pounds.

I don't know who's more nervous,

Lou or Danny.

Meanwhile, his other clients are starting

to complain about their own problems.

I couldn't get your service. I had a crisis.

A cat ate one of my birds.

I cancelled the show

and Ralph doesn't wanna pay.

What do you mean, you don't wanna pay?

A cat ate his bird.

That comes under the act-of-God clause.

- He gets paid if he does his show only.

- It was a lead bird.

Remember Pee Wee,

used to peck "September Song"?

Pee Wee's gone? Pee...

Ralph, what are you doin'?

Pee Wee has now been eaten by a feline.

Pee Wee gave us many a laugh and tear.

Danny, I don't pay no birds

that don't work.

- Where were you when I needed you?

- Yeah, where were you?

I admit, it's my fault.

I've been remiss lately.

I've been very busy with another client.

After Sunday night you'll have me.

I'll be yours exclusively.

I know how you feel.

Pee Wee was the son he never had,

so it's, you know...

I promise, after Sunday night,

really, I'm with you.

One, two.

I want you to open with "You're Nobody

Till Somebody Loves You".

And then go into "My Bambina"...

...and after that do great crooners

from the past who are now deceased.

- And then "Agita" if you want.

- Would you do me a favour tomorrow?

- You name it, you got it.

- I want you to bring Tina.

- Who's Tina?

- I told you about Tina.

- I'm really crazy about her.

- I thought I talked you outta that.

It's no use. I'm like a little kid. I'm still

sendin' her a white rose every day.

Don't we have enough on our mind?

She's been lucky for me from the first day

I met her. Good things started happenin'.

Yeah, but Teresa's gonna be there.

You're gonna get in a lot of trouble.

That's why you gotta bring her.

You be the beard.

What? I don't wanna be a beard.

Come on. I'm tellin' ya,

I'll do a great job if she's there.

- Without her I'm gonna be lost.

- Since when? This is business.

Why are you makin' such a big deal?

Terry goes home,

then I'll take her off your hands.

When there's people around,

she's with you.

No, it's not nice.

You're gonna wind up in alimony jail.

- I can't function without her. I'm lost.

- Since when?

Why does she have such a hold on you?

I don't know what it is about this woman.

I love her.

- Maybe it's a whole mother thing.

- Your mother's alive. Let me take her.

She gives me confidence. I love her.

What do you want me to say?

I'm scared enough as it is.

Jesus, Lou, is this

more serious than I thought?

I haven't had a night's sleep trying to

figure out what to do with my life, OK?

So all of a sudden I gotta be the beard?

I want her there. I gotta know she's there

and I gotta know she loves me.

I can only say, as your friend and

your manager, you're a sick individual...

...but if that's what you want,

all right, we'll do it.

Tina? Danny Rose. Had no trouble

getting here at all. None at all.

Are you ready? Cos I'm double-parked.

Lou, you can drop dead!

That's what you been sayin' for months!

Yeah, well, I don't buy it and I'm

damn sick and tired of all your stories!

Don't tell me that, Lou. Bein' married's

one thing, but two-timing's somethin' else!

Well, that's just a bunch of garbage. I

don't buy it and you better watch yourself!

I don't care how important it is!

It's too damn bad if you're upset.

The way you treat me, you're lucky I don't

stick an ice pick in your goddamn chest!

Like hell I'll be there!

You know what you can do!

Goddamn phoney.

- Lou tells me you're an interior decorator.

- I don't wanna hear Lou's name.

I don't want a run-around.

I don't want any crap, goddamnit!

Darling, sweetheart, darling...

...might I interject one notion

at this juncture? How old are you?

- None of your goddamn business!

- I'm serious, darling. You're upset.

- What sign are you? Gemini?

- Shut up! Will you just shut up?

- May I make one statement?

-

My father - may he rest in peace -

would say maturity, tolerance...

...a willingness to give, that's all.

Look, it's a big night for Lou.

Don't ruin it for him.

- I don't wanna talk to that creep.

- What happened?

- Go to hell!

- May I make one statement?

- I don't mean to be didactic.

- What are you talkin' about?

The man's crazy about you.

He's nuts for you.

I got friends who told me he was out

last night with a cheap blonde.

A cheap blonde? Lou? A cheap blonde?

Would he fall for a cheap blonde?

- I... You know, the man has class.

- Yeah, I thought so too.

Yes, of course. Sweetheart,

I promise you, he's cheating with you.

He's got integrity. He cheats with one

person at a time only. That's his style.

My friends told me he was at the track last

night with his arm around a cheap blonde.

Because they bother him cos he's cute.

They try and grab, he pushes them away.

When he pushes them away,

his arm goes around.

Knock it off. You think I buy that?

His wife is a blonde. She's not cheap.

A lovely woman. Educated.

She's a cocktail waitress. And they don't

all hustle, no matter what you say.

- What the hell do you want?

- Don't upset him.

- I'm not coming. You got that? Drop dead!

- I wanna speak to him.

Hello? Lou? Lou, yes. Lou, it's me.

I got here OK, Lou. The directions

were good. It was a Gulf station.

Lou, she seems to be a little upset.

Tina! Tina! Hey, Tina!

- Will you get lost?

- Where you going?

I got other things on my mind

besides two-timers.

No, the man adores you.

The man is crazy about you.

- He wants you ringside.

- What the hell did you come so early for?

I come every place early.

- You're hours early.

- I know, cos tonight's a big night.

Milton is coming tonight.

Remember Milton, Tuesday nights?

He'd come out in a woman's dress.

Remember?

If I'm so important to him,

why does he two-time me?

You got it wrong. You got it wrong,

sweetheart. Women annoy him.

He sings and they mentally undress him.

I see an adventure.

Yes, a trip.

A man in a grey suit,

who owns a dog, will come to see you.

- That's Tommy.

- Tommy?

- When is he coming?

- Very soon. When you least expect it.

- What are you doing here?

- Shh!

- At least call Lou. Call Lou.

- No. Will you just get outta here?

The man is nervous.

I know he doesn't seem so, but...

- She wants to get ahead.

- Well, you know, I've been waiting.

- My nephew's ill.

- He's ill?

- Yeah, and he has a lump on his neck.

- A lump on his neck? That's terrible.

God bless you, sweetheart.

How old are you?

- 78.

- You're 78 years old? That's wonderful.

- What are your hobbies?

- Fish.

- Tropical fish?

- Tropical fish.

My uncle Menachem, may he rest in

peace, a wonderful man, raised hamsters.

I personally found 'em disgusting,

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