Bruno Page #4

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-Loves it.

-Good.

A little sensitive subject here.

How much does she weigh?

She's about 30 pounds.

-Thirty pounds.

-Yes. Approximately.

Can Olivia lose 10 pounds in the next week?

In the next week, 7 days.

Yeah. I'd have to do whatever I could.

If there's a problem losing the weight,

would you be ready to have Olivia

undergo liposuction?

If that was a last resort

and she didn't lose the few pounds,

then, yeah, we'd have to do that.

Great. Fantastisch news.

We have chosen your baby

to be dressed as a Nazi officer

pushing a wheelbarrow with another baby

as a Jew in it into an oven.

Into an oven?

Congratulations. How do you feel?

-Great, if she got the job. That's great.

-Yeah.

O.J., you're going to be on television.

Welcome back to Today with Richard Bey.

Now, our next guest is a single parent.

Please welcome Brno.

Where are you from?

I'm from Austria.

Austria. And what are your impressions

of the American people?

You see a lot of them out here.

I gotta say, I love American people,

and I love African-American people.

You're the best. You guys are the best.

All right, all right.

Now, you are a single parent.

-Yeah.

-Most people think that a child

should have 2 parents.

It is, like, really difficult, you know,

bringing up a child without another parent.

Am I right?

-Right.

-Right.

I'm hoping that I don't grow old alone.

Am I right?

True that. True that.

I'm hoping that I find Mr. Right. Am I right?

-No!

-No!

No, no, no.

Well, honey, you need to get it together.

Sugar, you're lost and confused.

-All right, now...

-Listen, you're just jealous

'cause you know I can get any guy here.

Go get them!

You brought your son here today?

-That's right.

-Can we see your son?

Yeah, sure.

No. No.

All right, this is...

-What?

-Where did they allow you

to get your baby from?

Is your baby from Australia?

I was in the Middle East, like,

solving the crisis there.

No big deal. Whatever.

And I flew back here to America,

und I stopped over in this country

called Africa, right?

Africa is a continent, not a country, baby.

Get it right.

Well, it is full of African-Americans.

It's full of Africans.

It's full of people of African descent.

No. That's a racist thing to call them.

African-Americans is the right word.

No. African-Americans are here.

No, they're called

African-Americans, girlfriend.

No, fool.

All right.

So how did you find your son?

I swapped him.

-You swapped him?

-What?

Swapped the baby for what?

-For an iPod.

-What?

Not just any iPod.

One that was, like, limited edition, red.

A U2 iPod. Heard of it?

All right, but wait a second.

You are the baby's father now.

And you chose to dress that baby up

in a T-shirt that says what?

Gayby.

That's not the baby's name, is it?

No. I gave him, like,

a traditional African name.

So what's the baby's name?

O.J.

Stand up, please.

I think you're using him as an accessory.

I think maybe because he's a black baby

that might be your cue,

like how some people walk in the park

with dogs to pick up girls,

that might be your cue

to get maybe a down-low brother.

I don't know. What do you think?

I gotta be honest. He's a real dick magnet.

You brought some photographs

that you took with the child because...

I guess to demonstrate

how much you love the child.

We're going to put them up on this screen.

That's the first shot.

Let's see the next picture.

You're gonna burn in hell for that one.

That's some mess.

All right. Do we have another photo,

or is that the last one?

There we go.

What is going on here?

If I'm having fun,

I want little O.J. to come with me.

I want him to have fun with me.

Hold on. Hold on. What's that?

-What is that?

-Someone's scared.

-You're making the audience leave.

-They are scared of the truth.

Yes, ma'am? Stand up, please. Go ahead.

Listen, I don't see how you can even walk

out of here with that baby in your hands

without someone stopping you

and taking that baby out of your possession.

All right, well, you know,

there is a finale to this talk show.

Please welcome Shatonya Miggins

from the State Child Services Department.

Take the baby.

What would be the opinion,

the legal opinion of the state,

which is empowered to look after children

and their welfare?

This child is here illegally.

No, it's not. I made a deal with the mother.

And at this time, we're taking the child

into protective custody.

-You are not doing that. You're not taking...

-The child is going...

Get off me. That is my baby.

Give him back! Give me my baby back!

Give me my baby! Give him back!

Come on! Back!

Give me my baby back!

O.J.! Give me my baby! Give me my...

Give me my baby! O.J.!

O.J.!

O.J.! Give me my baby back!

You want some pie today?

Yeah. I haven't had any carbs for 15 years,

since I was, you know, 4 years old.

-Since you was 4?

-Yeah.

Is that your boy? He's pretty.

That was my boy.

He got taken away today.

I'm so sorry. Gosh.

What is he, about 2?

I think he was about, I don't know, 6 or...

-Was he? Was he about that age?

-I don't know.

He could've been a midget.

So he could have been 10.

Good morning, cowboy. What's your name?

Lutz.

Get that out of my face.

Move that out of my... No, Lutz.

Hello? Engineering.

Hello, I apologise for the state of the room.

But can I assure you,

the toilet is absolutely spotless.

Can you look?

The key, I think, is over there, just...

No, I can't do this.

Yeah, Brian, I need you up here

on 20 immediately.

Well, no, it's 2 guys

handcuffed together on a bed.

And there's some contraption

with a dildo on the end of it.

And they're asking...

They've been staying at the hotel for a while

and wanted to know if I can get the key

for them because they can't get out of bed.

I'm pretty freaking flipping right now.

-Come in.

-Can you tell me what's going on?

You were not meant to see this.

You find the key, I can get out of this.

Now, can you just look under that shelf...

No. This is not what was

supposed to be going on in here.

You're telling me, honey.

I should be chained to a 6'4" Norwegian

with a PhD in sucking dick.

That's not my concern.

Okay, well, listen, one other thing.

Can you switch off the television?

Because I made a fart,

and I am on the verge of buying

Mr. Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium.

That's unfortunate.

No, but I refuse to pay

for Mr. Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium.

I did not press it.

No, I'm afraid we are not

gonna be doing that.

Hey, listen, you. What's your name?

Hi. What's your name?

-No, don't even talk to me.

-You're cute.

You're like a Latino Paul Giamatti.

-Hey, don't talk to me. I'm not talking to you.

-Hey, girlfriend.

Also, great. Maybe they can let us out.

Excuse me, can you unlock us? Please.

Hello? Can you unlock us?

Please, can you unlock us?

Please. My assistant's about to sh*t

on my balls.

What's going on here?

What does it look like, Paul Blart?

Brno.

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