Bruno Page #5

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Brno.

Ich was at a low point.

Brno had hit rock Arsch.

Lutz had gone, und ich had only

9 Freunds left on MeinSpace.

Lutz! Lutz!

I was about to give up

on my dream of celebrity,

when suddenly it hit me.

All the most famous stars in the world,

Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kevin Spacey,

they all had one thing in common.

They were all straight.

To become famous,

I would have to quit guys.

Ich just needed to find

a cock-aholics anonymous.

Things have got to change.

I want to become straight.

-Awesome.

-Once I'm straight,

can I still play the clarinet?

If it doesn't remind you

about some of the behaviour

that you engaged in

when you put your lips around it.

If it doesn't remind you of that,

then I say go for it

and play the clarinet

with everything inside of you.

If it does remind you of that,

then I say put it down,

give it away, let a friend hold it

until you know in your mind

you're ready to pick it up again

and it wouldn't remind you of that.

Und what about if

I put a flute up my stinker?

That... I wouldn't do that either because it

would remind you of the former lifestyle.

So you don't put any woodwind

instruments up your Arschwitz.

-Absolutely not. You know why?

-Why?

Because that would harm my body.

That would hurt...

-Only if you lose the reed.

-Okay.

Well, that would... That would be bad.

Is there any music that I shouldn't listen to?

Any bands?

Sinead O'Connor. The Indigo Girls.

Of course, the Village People.

When I become straight,

you know, a Kuntmeister,

are there any new hobbies

that I should take up?

-Do you enjoy hiking? Lifting weights?

-Sure.

Man, there's nothing like just working out

and lifting weights

and building your muscles

around some other men who are not gay.

I'm totally irresistible to gay guys.

They see me und they want to schtupp me.

-Right.

-So how do I protect against those guys?

If they get close to you,

hit them and leave the situation.

How do you spot the homosexual?

Very hard to do.

Because some of them don't even dress

no different than myself or you.

-Amazing.

-You know?

It's kind of like terrorists.

If a terrorist has infiltrated

a police department

and he dresses like the policemen,

how would you know that's him?

What are obvious things

that we can look for?

Obvious is a person that's being

extremely nice to them to start with.

So if someone approaches you in the street

und is being very, very nice to you,

you know that they are a homosexual?

Most likely.

How should I protect myself

from being attacked by homosexuals?

They probably would attack from behind.

So, again, if I am a homosexual,

and I'm just trying to run in und kiss you...

-Boom! You done moved in the wrong range.

-Right.

Let's say the homosexual

has got you on the ground.

Okay.

Und the homosexual, you know,

has got you down here.

-Right.

-I go to pull this down.

-I want to lock this, lock this leg here.

-Touching.

-Yeah.

-Hit with the elbow.

Boom. As I roll across.

How do you protect yourself from a dildo?

So let's say I'm trying...

Here, you know.

Like that. You know?

Und disarm the dildo?

Yes.

Is it harder to defend against a black dildo?

-No.

-Great.

One is just as easy as the other

to defend against.

-So, I'm attacking.

-Boom.

-Like that.

-Let's say I go down and I...

Trap it, work the knees. Work the elbows.

How do you defend yourself

against the man with 2 d*ldos?

Coming in. Here. Boom.

Depending on his range. Boom.

Then to his face. Boom.

Okay? Kick around, boom.

He can't do nothing from there.

And if he's just running

with his pants down?

Here. Boom. And then to the eyes.

-Homosexual attacking your bum.

-Leg here.

And then come in and break his arm.

Take it here, take him out.

Break his arms. Boom, break his ribs.

Break his arms.

Okay. Thank you very much. Fantastisch.

-Okay.

-It's very useful.

That's just totally different than

what I've ever tried to, you know, work with.

So you were never gay?

It's ironic that you should have

amazing blow job lips.

Well, these lips were made to praise Jesus.

No, they were made for something else,

but you're just not using it for them.

Well...

Are there any activities you suggest

where I'll be surrounded

just by straight guys?

-Let's go! Let's go!

-Let's go! Let's go!

-Push ups! Sit ups!

-Push ups! Sit ups!

-Hurry up. Get in here.

-Was?

Make this bed. Hurry up. Make the bed.

But do you have something,

maybe a double...

Make the bed!

Could you hold the sheet over there?

I'm not holding anything.

-Get down. Get down.

-Was?

I said, get down! Do push ups.

This line right here is

a line that you don't cross.

This is TAC Alley. TAC Officer's...

You're in it again. This is my alley.

I don't want to be in your alley.

Yeah, well, get out of it.

Your finger's in my alley.

Not yet.

By the way, where's your uniform?

Go get your uniform on.

Do it!

Oh, my gosh.

What's up with the scarf?

That is, like, it's my own thing.

Let me introduce you to somebody.

Captain Miles.

Candidate, what are you doing?

Stand at the position of attention, candidate.

-Do it! Do it!

-Head and eyes straight forward, candidate.

Head and eyes straight forward.

Stand still, candidate.

That is not part of the uniform, candidate.

You need to take that off.

This outfit is too matchy-matchy as it is,

and so I was just trying to break it up

with some simple horizontal lines.

Do you have an attitude, candidate?

Do we detect an attitude?

-Sir, she's got an attitude.

-What?

Sir Officer Candidate,

did you just call me "she"?

-Get down, candidate! Now!

-Do it!

What type belt is that, candidate?

What is that?

-D&G.

-What is D&G?

Dolce und Gabbana. Hello?

-"Hello"?

-"Hello"?

-Front in the rest position.

-Get down, you!

Sir Officer Candidate,

you deserve a medal for exceptional skin.

What are you talking...

What are you trying to say, candidate?

Sir Officer Candidate, you could be a general

in the B*tch Army the way you're going.

-Did you use profanity again?

-Did you use profanity?

But you're being really nasty.

The OC guide states that I will not

use profanity while I'm at OCS.

Yes, mein Fhrer. Yes, Officer Candidate.

-Hurry up!

-Hurry up! Let's go!

-Yeah, this is mine.

-You better help your buddy.

Get out of my TAC Alley.

Get out of my TAC Alley.

-Hurry up! Hurry up!

-Move over there!

-Salute!

-Salute with your right hand.

Salute with your right hand.

-That's not a salute.

-That's not a salute.

That's not a salute.

Can I tell you about the person

that changed my life?

Was it Karl Lagerfeld?

No, actually, his name is Jesus.

Jesus is in this room right now.

He never leaves us. He never forsakes us.

He's here.

Amazing.

That's exactly right. He's amazing.

You want to be famous.

You'll be one that's so famous, Brno,

you will prepare the way

for other young men all over the world

who want to come out of the homosexual

lifestyle and make a change in their lives.

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