Buddymoon Page #4

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'WRETCHED MOUNTAIN.'"

WELL, THIS WAS YOUR IDEA

TO DO RED FOX HILLS.

RED FOX IS AN IDIOT.

WE CALL HILLS LIKE THIS

IN GERMANY MOUNTAINS.

"BUT WE TAKE JOY IN KNOWING

THAT TONIGH WE SHALL BED

AT THE LAST OUTPOS OF CIVILIZATION."

I CALLED MY AGENT.

IT'S BETWEEN ME

AND ONE OTHER GUY.

OH, THAT'S GREAT.

I CALLED FRANKIE.

THERE WAS NO ANSWER.

-OH.

-BUT,

I DID PICK UP ANOTHER MAP,

AND YOU ARE NO GOING TO TOUCH IT.

I WILL TREAT IT LIKE A BABY

IF I TOUCH IT.

LISTEN, I MAILED THIS

TWO WEEKS AGO.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE

FOR ME AND FRANKIE, BU -NOW IT'S FOR ME AND YOU.

-OOH.

CHAMPAGNE.

-HEY, BUDDY.

-OH, YEAH, OATMEAL-RAISIN MIX.

-OH, CONDOMS.

-WE DON'T NEED THOSE.

-BUT WHO KNOW, DAVID?

-THOSE WERE NOT MEANT FOR US.

AND IT SEEMS AS THOUGH

YOU SENT YOURSELF A PACKAGE.

IT MEANS:

"HONEYBUDDIES,"

BUT IN GERMAN.

OH, MY GOD.

-IT'S FOR YOU.

-THAT...

IS A VERY ORANGE SHIRT.

YEAH.

I SELECTED THE COLOR

FOR SAFETY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE IF HUNTERS ARE

LOOKING FOR ELKS OR REINDEERS,

WHO ARE WE?

HUMANS IN SHIRTS.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

LOOK ON THE LEFT.

THAT'S YOU.

-OH, SLIGHTLY SHORTER.

-WELL, IT'S ACCURATE, YEAH.

-OH, MAN, THANK YOU.

-OH, GREAT.

LOOK, OKAY.

I GOTTA BE A GROWNUP.

I'M GONNA PU THE WHOLE PHONE INCIDEN BEHIND US.

OKAY, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

AND HONESTLY,

IT'S KIND OF A BLESSING

IN DISGUISE.

I-- I'D RATHER NOT HAVE

THE OUTSIDE WORLD

ENCROACHING ON THIS.

WELL, SORRY AGAIN

ABOUT THAT.

OH.

THIS CHAMPAGNE'S

NOT GONNA DRINK ITSELF.

NO, WE ARE GONNA DO IT.

THAT'S WHAT YOU MEANT,

RIGHT?

-YES.

-OKAY, THEN.

PARTY POOPER.

TURN UP:

OH, I TELL YOU,

JENNIFER:

SHE'S REALLY

A PARTY POOPER...

DAVID, WE'RE EMPTY.

WE NEED SOME MORE CHAMPAGNE.

LET ME GET IT.

OOH.

"DEAR DAVID.

I JUST FOUND YOUR

SECRET HONEYMOON PACKAGE.

AND EVEN THOUGH I'M PROBABLY

SITTING RIGHT THERE NEXT TO YOU,

I DECIDED TO WRITE YOU

A LITTLE NOTE.

I WANTED TO JUST TELL YOU

THAT I'M THE LUCKIEST PERSON

IN THE WORLD:

TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE.

I KNOW THINGS:

HAVEN'T BEEN EASY LATELY,

BUT I'M SURE

IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SPEND

THE REST OF OUR LIVES

TOGETHER.

LOVE YOU LIKE CRAZY.

YOUR NEW WIFE,

FRANKIE."

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAVID?

OH, AH...

JUST GETTING:

ANOTHER BOTTLE.

ALL RIGHT, DAVID,

I'M GOING DOWN THE CREEK

TO GET SOME:

COOL RIVER SOUNDS.

-BE CAREFUL.

-OKAY.

COME HERE, SOUNDS.

THIS IS PERFECT.

TAKE ONE OF ROCK SOUNDS.

"MERIWETHER HAS ONCE AGAIN

LEFT TO CAPTURE:

NEW SPECIMENS."

SOMETIMES I WORRY

WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN TO HIM

WHEN HE IS ALONE."

AH, GOTTVERDAMMT, SCHEIE.

THIS IS WHAT IT IS.

VER SIND DA?

WHO'S HERE?

VERDAMMT NOCH MAL, DU.

OH, GOD.

DUDE, IT'S ME.

IT'S ME. IT'S ME.

-DAVID.

-I'M SORRY, MAN.

-YOU GOT ME.

-I KNOW,

BUT THE THING:

WITH THE ARM.

SO, WE'RE EVEN.

I'M SO SORRY.

-DUDE, ARE YOU OKAY?

-NO.

-OH, DAVID.

-UH, WE'RE EVEN NOW, BUDDY.

WE ARE EVEN STEVEN.

OH, I'M GONNA

GET YOU SO HARD.

OH NO, WE'RE DONE.

YOU GOT ME, AND I GOT YOU BACK.

NO, IT'S MY TURN.

IT'S LIKE A FRISBEE.

NO, WE CAN BE DONE.

"WHAT DRIVES MEN TO DO

SUCH THINGS?

ARE WE FULL OF COURAGE?

ARE WE MAD?

OR DO WE SIMPLY FLEE

WHAT WE'VE LEFT BEHIND?"

WHAT DO YOU:

WANT ME TO SAY?

IT'S NOT MY FAUL I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

I'M ACTUALLY OKAY WITH YOU

PUTTING YOUR CAREER BEFORE ME.

WHAT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH

IS WHEN YOU TREAT ME LIKE SH*T.

SO AFTER HE PULLED OU THE HEART, YOU KNOW,

FROM THAT MAN,

THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED

I'M NEVER VISITING INDIANA.

YEAH, HIS NAME

IS INDIANA JONES.

THAT SCENE:

TOOK PLACE IN INDIA,

AND THAT WAS A MOVIE.

WELL, I'M NOT GOING.

I DON'T CARE WHERE IT IS.

IT'S SCARY.

-HEY, GUYS.

-HELLO.

LET ME GUESS.

UH, BEST FRIEND FOREVER,

DAVID AND DJ FLULA.

YEAH.

I'VE BEEN STALKING YOU.

I'M KIDDING.

I SAW YOUR NAMES

ON THE HIKING REGISTRY.

AH-HAH-HAH!

THAT'S WHAT YOU PUT DOWN

IN THE REGISTRY?

-YEAH, IT'S THE TRUTH.

-OKAY.

I GUESS WE MUST'VE

PASSED YOU GUYS:

YESTERDAY:

AT RED FOX TRAIL?

YES.

WE ACTUALLY ENDED UP

DOING RED FOX HILLS,

WHICH WAS FAR LESS DIRECT.

-VERY SCENIC.

-COOL.

WELL, DID YOU GUYS

WANNA STAY WITH OUR

GROUP TONIGHT?

-WE HAVE BACKPACKER BEER.

-YOU BET.

HECK, YES, HELLO.

DO BEARS POOP IN FORESTS?

-THAT SOUNDS GREAT. SURE.

-THEY DO.

OKAY, AWESOME.

UM, WELL, THERE'S A--

THERE'S A GREAT SPOT, ACTUALLY,

RIGHT OVER THERE.

YOU GUYS WANNA GO GRAB IT,

AND I'LL MEET YOU THERE?

-GREAT.

-AWESOME.

-COOL.

-THANKS.

-BFF.

-BYE-- BYE-BYE.

DAVID,

SHE IS VERY ATTRACTIVE.

YEAH, I GUESS.

IF YOU'RE INTO THA SORT OF THING.

WHAT? NO.

SHE WAS LOOKING:

AT YOU, DAVID.

NO, SHE WAS LOOKING

AT BOTH OF US.

NO, SHE WAS LOOKING AT YOU.

STOP THINKING ABOUT FRANKIE

ALL THE TIME.

START THINKING ABOU HOT NEW LADIES.

DEEP IN THE NIGH FAR FROM THE PATH

THE NEED FOR SLEEP

FINALLY CONQUER:

THE URGE TO FIGH THE HOWL OF THE WINDS

MY HEAD STILL RINGS...

OKAY.

OH, YEAH, DAVID.

YEAH, GET IT.

OH, YEAH, LOOKING GOOD.

OKAY, SO, TONIGHT,

JUST--

YOU DO SOME GOOD THINGS,

AND I'LL BE YOUR WINGMAN.

OH, YEAH, I DO NOT NEED

A WINGMAN TONIGHT.

-THANK YOU.

-YOU DON'T THINK

YOU DON'T NEED ONE.

-RIGHT.

-BUT YOU DO.

DEEP IN THE DIR FAR FROM THE PAS THE NEED TO LEAVE

FINALLY CONQUER:

THE WILL TO LIVE

IT'S SLOWLY FADING

WITHOUT A SOUND:

THE HOWL OF THE WIND

MY HEAD STILL RINGS

THE HOWL OF THE WIND.

HELLO, EVERYONE.

I'M FLULA

AND THIS IS DAVID.

-HI.

-I SMELL VERY BAD,

UH, BUT DAVID SMELLS

REALLY GREAT.

SO.

DO YOU GUYS WANNA LEARN

HOW TO MAKE BACKPACKING BEER?

-OH...

-UH, YES, BUT,

IF THIS IS A:

DIFFICULT TASK,

WATCH OUT.

I AM VERY STUPID.

BUT DAVID,

HE'S LIKE A SCIENTIS OF THE WORLD.

IT'S REALLY EASY.

I-- I--

I'M SURE YOU BOTH

WILL BE FINE.

UH, THIS IS SOME WATER--

NATURALLY SOURCED,

THAT WE THEN CARBONATED.

STEP ONE.

AND THEN,

HERE IS THE CONCENTRATE.

IT'S JUST A TEASPOON OF THIS

INTO WHAT YOU GUYS HAVE.

JUST BE CAREFUL:

'CAUSE IT'S LIKE

70 PERCENT ALCOHOL.

-OOH.

-JUST BE CAREFUL.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE TOO MANY STEPS

FOR MY SMALL BRAIN.

I WILL PROBABLY:

URINATE EVERYWHERE.

ALSO, I'M VERY TERRIBLE

WITH SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.

JUST FYIS.

DO YOU KNOW:

WHAT THAT MEANS?

UH, WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

THAT'S THE SADDEST THING

I'VE EVER HEARD.

IT WAS A, UH,

TOUGH TIME,

BUT, UH,

YOU KNOW,

WHATEVER DOESN' KILL YOU, RIGHT?

NO.

I MEAN,

THAT IS LITERALLY

THE SADDEST THING

I HAVE EVER HEARD.

I DON'T KNOW

HOW YOU'RE JUS KEEPING IT TOGETHER

LIKE THIS RIGHT NOW.

YES, LAST WEEK,

DAVID WAS CRYING

-ALL DAY,

JUST EVERYDAY.

-TSK, OH.

THIS WEEK DAVID'S ONLY CRYING

A FEW MINUTES EVERY DAY.

YEAH,

IT'S BECAUSE

HE'S SO MANLY.

UNLIKE ME,

HE'S VERY GOOD

AT THINGS LIKE:

FRENCH KISSING.

YEAH, OKAY,

THANK YOU.

UM, YOU SIR,

ARE THE GREATES BEST MAN

YOU COULD EVER WANT.

HE'S ALSO NEVER DONE

A PORNO FILM.

BUT HE'S RECEIVED

MANY OFFERS.

THAT'S VERY FLATTERING.

UH, WELL, FLULA,

YOU WERE THE BEST MAN.

-DID YOU WRITE A SPEECH?

-YES, I HAVE IT HERE.

-YOU DO?

-YEAH.

THAT'S AMAZING.

YOU-- YOU HAVE TO--

YOU HAVE TO SAY IT.

YOU HAVE TO GIVE THE SPEECH.

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