Buzzard Page #5

---

to call you back, all right?

All right.

Derek?

Derek!

What?

- When did you get home?

- None of your butt Wax.

Whats all that banging going on up there?

That's my dads microwave.

I just brought it in. I had to move it.

- Did you get a microwave?

- Yeah.

Heat up this Hot Pocket for me.

You have a toaster oven.

- It sucks, dude. It cooks it all uneven.

- Too bad.

Come on, man.

Heat this thing up for me.

No. Besides, those two I-lot Pockets you ate,

those were mine.

I was gonna take them to lunch tomorrow.

Come on, man. I'll go get some coupons

from my apartment for you later.

Oh, I dorft Want coupons. I Want real Hot

Pockets. Carft eat a stupid coupon.

Fine. I'll pick some up at the store then.

Right now. Hot Pockets

and a big-ass Mountain Dew. Buy it.

- I-I'll do it later.

- Yeah, right.

You haven't even left the basement

since you've been here.

L- I Went out earlier today.

Yeah. I saw you outside today...

taking a big dump on the front lawn.

- Not.

- Yes, I did.

Get me Hot Pockets and a big-ass

Mountain Dew. Tonight.

- Do it.

- Dare me?

I dare you right now.

I straight up dare you, man. Do it.

- What's up, man?

- Hey.

- That it for you?

- Yeah.

You have any of the regular cheddar?

Those are cheddar.

No, man, these are ham and cheddar.

It's the only cheddar we got.

Yeah, but there's ham in these, man.

Um, I got a coupon too.

Uh, we usually clon't take coupons, man.

Come on. Help me out somehow.

Sorry.

All right. 7.47.

Seven bucks for this box?

I dorft make the rules.

Sh-

Out of 10.

Hey, uh, you got any fives, man?

I need 'em for the register.

No. That's the only cash I had.

No fives?

Oh, yeah.

You know What? Guess so.

Cool. Hey, let me buy this off of you.

I'll make change for the rest too.

- Okay.

- All right, cool, man.

All right, so you give me

the 10 and the fives.

Let me give you a couple of ones for right

now, just to hold on to.

Let me give you this one.

You hold that for right now.

Man, hey, you catch the game earlier today?

You hold the 53 cents. Two from the 7.47.

You give me the five. There's the other

single. You should be good to go, man.

Hey, appreciate it.

You have a good night, all right?

You shorted me $5.00, man.

What?

Yeah, you only gave me back 2.53.

Nah. No. No, man.

I dorft know What you're talking about.

- You got the right change.

- No, I know how this works, man.

You got me all messed up

with that f***ing math, man. Come on, dude.

Look, you can come back tomorrow

after we counted the drawer.

Hey, dorft rip me off.

I'm just a regular guy, all right?

You got to come back tomorrow.

Take from the register, the shelves or

Whatever, dude. You know What I mean?

You're wrong.

Give me the five bucks back now.

You're gonna have to leave now.

I'm about to come over the counter and kill

you if you dorft give me the $5.00 back.

You can get the f*** out of here

before I call the cops...

and get your ass arrested.

You're a f***ing thief.

Get the f*** out.

That vvas-

That was all the cash that I had, man.

B*tch.

- What did you just say to me?

- I said leave, b*tch.

Motherf***er!

F***ing piece of sh*t!

Smile, bro.

Sh*t. Ah, sh-

Ah- Ah, sh*t.

Took you long enough, dork.

Got me in trouble with that f***ing dare, man.

- What are you talking about, man?

- When you made me go out.

What, did my dad just say something to you?

Why would your dad say anything?

Nothing. Just- About the checks, man.

What about the checks, Derek?

You told him, didn't you?

- It was an accident, man. I'm sorry.

- I-low you tell him accidentally?

We vvere just upstairs watching CS/J M/lamfl

and there was this, like-

- You f***ing told him. A**hole.

- I'm sorry.

- Motherf***er.

- Get off me! Marty, get off me!

Get off me.

Marty, stop it.

Marty! Get off me!

I'm gonna kick your ass, man!

Get-

Marty, stop it.

Get off me, psycho.

F***er.

[ Coughs 1

Psycho, dude.

- F***er-

- What are you doing?

I'm out of here.

This f***ing basement sucks, man.

What is this?

You f***ing touching my glove?

Jesus Christ. You f***ed me.

You f***ed me. You f***ed me.

- Where are you gonna go?

- I don't know. To hell, probably.

Come on. Give me some cash.

- What'? - You owe me for this,

man. Come on. I got nothing.

- I dorft think I have any money.

- Well, check and see, Derek.

Okay, okay, okay.

One second, man. Relax.

- Come on! Hurry up!

- Hold on, hold on.

I got- Wait. I got, like, 15-

- This f***ing works, man.

- I'm sorry.

Geez.

A**hole.

Oh!

Oh!

Yeah, it turns out signing it over was

a really good idea.

Yeah.

No, I-I'm good.

I'm probably getting a raise soon,

so that will help.

Yeah. Hovv's Dad?

Yeah, well, he clicln't even tell me

he was coming into town, so-

Uh, Whatever. He's busy. I know.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm "gust fired.

You know, work.

No. Come on, I've been good about it.

I dorft even act like that anymore.

I'm happy now.

Everyone really likes me.

Anyway- No, I'm just calling to say hi, so-

I haverft seen you in a While.

I'll probably be by for Thanksgiving.

You-

Don't. Uh, I just- I'll walk over.

I clon't know-

I think that its "TV," then "power. "

And then "auxiliary," then "power" again.

Well, I dorft know then!

Wai- Can you just

tell Dana and Kelly that I love 'em?

Please? Okay?

All right.

Bye, Mom.

- The 7:
30 for Detroit leave yet?

- Not yet.

- What time is it?

- 7:
25.

All right, so I still got five minutes?

- You know Where there's an ATM around?

- Up the road.

Is it a First Federal ATM?

it's got to be a First Federal ATM.

- I believe so.

- All right. Okay.

Hurry.

[ Beepiflg 1

[ Beeps 1

Heavy Metal, Faint]

I have one adult,

nonsmoking room, for one night.

- Is that correct?

- Yep.

All right.

Will this be cash or credit today?

Cash.

It looks like your room plus the fee

comes to 180, sir.

180,huh?

That's all right. I got that.

Thank you.

I'm also gonna need a card to keep on file.

Just for any incidentals.

Incidentals, huh?

That'll be perfect.

Is there anything else

vve can do for you today?

Yeah. You guys got like a large metal file?

- Um, I guess I could ask maintenance.

- Good.

Anything else?

You got room service up in this b*tch?

I was Wondering if I get any free stuff.

Yeah, complimentary. That's What I meant.

Uh- I dorft know. Chips or anything?

No.

All right, well, can I get like a-

like a $20 plate of spaghetti?

Oh, beautiful.

And do I get chips with that?

- Hello.

- Here you are.

There you go. You remembered.

Of course, Mr. Jackitansky.

- Thank you very much.

- Enjoy your meal.

Thank you.

[ Clangs 1

Ha-ha!

[ Beepiflg 1

[ Beepiflg 1

F***.

Hello.

Hey.

I dorft have an ID for you.

Is that gonna be a problem?

Well, if ifs a cash transaction,

it shouldrft be a problem.

- That's awesome.

- Yeah, just fill that out.

And do you Want a tub room

or a shower room?

Is there a price difference?

Tub room's 22, shovvefis 28.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes