Caddyshack Page #6

Judge! Come on, let's be adults here!

Let's not mess the place up.

We can handle this in private.

Let's go to your office.

I'll make some drinks for us all.

We'll talk about it. Come on.

Are you flipping out?

No, I'm happy! I'm not pregnant!

That's great.

You were sweet

and I'm sorry I was hard on you.

No, I deserved it.

I've been acting like a jerk.

I hate myself.

I'm gonna get that scholarship.

That's good, isn't it?

No, I've been a creep lately.

I just can't help it.

You're not a creep.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

All right, maybe you are a little bit.

Listen, you're good deep down.

I know you'll do the right thing.

I demand satisfaction!

Oh, you want satisfaction?

I'll tell you what's real satisfying...cash!

I'll shoot you 1 8 holes for $1 0,000.

Why, I could beat you with one arm.

How about teams for $20,000?

You can have "Dr. Frankenputz."

I beg your pardon!

And I'll take Ty.

Hey, fellows. Don't include me.

I don't have time.

Come on. You're an ace.

Everybody knows it!

I don't play golf for money...

against people.

Are you religious or something?

You might say that.

Can I have a word with you? ln private.

Sure thing, Judge.

Your father and I prepped together...

...went to war together,

played golf together.

We built this Club, he and I !

Let's face it. Some people...

...simply do not belong.

Let's not...cave in too easy.

What do you say, Ty?

Let's make it $40,000.

Great!

My dad...never liked you.

I'll see you two tomorrow morning

on the golf course!

Beautiful!

I have to laugh...

...because I've often asked myself...

...my foe, my enemy, is an animal.

In order to conquer him...

...l have to think like an animal

and whenever possible...

...to look like one.

I've got to get inside...

...this dude's pelt and crawl around

for a few days.

Who is the gopher's ally? His friend?

The harmless squirrel

and the friendly rabbit.

I'm going to use you guys

to do my dirty work for me.

Look at that. It's the gopher.

There she is!

This is it! It's a Titleist!

All right, show yourself, little varmint!

If you've got the guts!

Son of a b*tch.

Where did you go? Oh, hi, Carl.

Mind if I play through?

Sure. Go right ahead. Are you getting

in a late night or something?

I was just loosening up a bit.

Was that your ball I heard rambling

through here?

Yeah. Did you see my ball?

Titleist?

-That's it!

-It's right here.

Is this your place?

What do you think?

It's really awful.

Well, I have a lot of things on order.

You know, credit trouble.

I'm an assistant greenskeeper.

They say that doesn't mean anything

until I'm the head greenskeeper.

Can you get me a ruling on this?

Make yourself comfortable.

No, I don't want to stick to anything.

Take this thing off. This is dirty.

Don't go to any trouble.

Fire her up.

With my lips?

Go ahead. Right back.

If I could just borrow a wedge

or something.

If you'd open a curtain, I could get right

through the window.

People say I'm an idiot...

...because all I do is cut lawns for a living.

People don't say that about you,

as far as you know.

Well, I'm working on it

so I don't ever have to....

I'll be the head greenskeeper...

...hopefully within six years.

That's my schedule.

But I am studying this stuff,

so I know it...you know, like...

...chinch bugs. You know...

...manganese. A lot of people

don't even know what that is.

Nitrogen....

Just open a curtain and I can just get out--

I invented my own kind of grass, too.

Did you know that? Look at this.

This is registered: Carl Spackler's Bench.

I've felt grass like this before.

I've played on this stuff.

This is a hybrid.

This is a cross of bluegrass...

...Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bench...

...and northern California sinsemilla.

The amazing stuff about this is...

...that you can play 36 holes

on it in the afternoon...

...take it home and just get stoned...

...at night on this stuff.

I've got pounds of this stuff.

Say, let's have a little bit of this.

Look at this. Try it.

I really don't do this very often.

You'll love it. This is dynamite.

Watch out.

Well, maybe one drag, then I've got to go.

It's a little harsh. Here. Cannonball it!

Cannonball it right back...

...then one more of these right on top of it!

Cannonball coming!

Can I have a drop? Just a drop...myself?

That's fine for me. That's good.

Can I say something to you?

You've been acting psychotically lately.

Why?

I've been a little under strain.

I have to play with Smails tomorrow...

...in a money match.

If he bothers you, I'll take care of him.

What you've got to do is cut

the hamstring on the back of his leg...

...right at the bottom.

He'll never play golf again...

...because his weight displacement

goes back...

...all his weight is on his right foot...

...and he'll push everything off to the right.

He'll never come through on anything.

He'll quit the game.

That would work.

I'll call you if I need help.

But, seriously, no b.s...

...if you ever want to rap

or just get weird with somebody....

You know...buddies.

I'll drop by. You drop by my place

any time.

What's your address?

You're on Briar, right?

Do you have a pool?

A pool and a pond.

A pond would be good for you.

Natural spring.

Anything would be good.

Well, I'm going to clean this up.

You go ahead and clean up.

It looks fine to me.

Thanks for the dope.

You carry my bag.

Get back there! What do you think

you're doing? Get off of here!

This is a golf course, not a parking lot!

Now back this thing out of here right now!

Hey, look at that!

Don't play games with me.

Put the steering wheel here

where it belongs...

...and get this out of here!

Let's play golf!

Don't do it! I didn't do that!

Oh, there's my phone!

Gentlemen, it's about time we....

I told you never to call me on

the golf course! What's that? Then sell!

They're all selling? Then buy!

I'll tell you what,

let me have the Coast. Any Coast!

What do you want?

Can I use your phone? I have a call.

Is it a long distance?

Gentlemen, we all know this is illegal

and against Club practice...

...and I'd like to ask at this time...

...if you all agree to waive all sanction

against said referee...

...or anything that might get me fired.

The match is for $20,000 each.

Lowest score wins the hole

in regulation match play.

I have a number of tees in my hand.

Your Honor, odd or even?

Odd!

Odd, it is. Your honor, Your Honor.

Hey, tiger, here. Keep it fair, will you?

No, I can't accept this.

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