Captain Ron Page #3

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drowned and naked in the shower.

(WATER PUMP STOPS)

See? We're fine.

Boss?

Yes, Captain Ron?

Don't take long showers.

Eats up the fresh water.

Thank you for pointing that out.

- Boss?

- Yes, Captain Ron?

You know you got a mop

wedged against the door?

- Yes, I'm aware of that. Thank you.

- I wasn't.

Here, Boss. I'll just take...

- Sorry, Boss.

- No, it's fine.

- Everything's under control now.

- I'll help you clean up.

- No, that's OK. Thanks.

- It's a lot of water.

Well, it's a boat.

I'll see you in the morning.

- Want me to close the door?

- Yes, that would be nice.

Hey!

Are you trying to cheat Captain Ron?

No, honest. What happened?

Nothing. They were playing

hide the salami in the shower.

( CALYPSO MUSIC)

Trip log, day five. At sea.

So far our adventure has been

sanding, painting and polishing.

But the boat is starting

to look a lot better.

You can make it look great

by cleaning the wood.

It's all wood.

I do have concerns

about other aspects of the voyage.

(INSECT BUZZING)

- Dad, the sander doesn't work.

- Here, I'll fix you up.

Captain Ron?

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Boss...

Man overboard!

- Throw me a line!

- Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

This could happen to anybody.

Here you are, Boss.

(MARTIN) Oww!

Always stand clear

of the ladder, Boss.

Concern is increasing

about our captain.

He lost our ladder,

he doesn't navigate.

In my opinion, he steers badly.

(RON) Jib, staysail, mainsail.

Mizzenmast, mizzenboom,

mizzen halyard winch.

- Is this "Full Metal Jacket"?

- It's the basics.

You gotta be prepared.

I mean big-time prepared.

Well, prepared for any normal...

It's the Caribbean, guys -

"El Caribe".The Spanish Main.

It's the land of voodoo,

hoodoo and all kinda weird sh*t.

Wow! Too cool.

It is important to know the basics,

and they're not that hard, right?

Right. Any dope can learn it.

This rigging. Standing or running?

- Kitty?

- Red running, blue standing.

You got it!

Head of the class!

(MUSIC:
BOB MARLEY'S "JAMMIN"')

Remember, when the sails go up,

you can't go dead into the wind.

A little this way, a little that way.

She's like a woman. Responds

to touch. The power of the wind...

You feel that? Get your sea legs.

- Stop whining.

- I'm not. You said the Caribbean!

St Bart's with Mick and Cher,

or Club Med. Not scrubbing deck!

I'm not kidding. Being a galley slave

holds no appeal for me.

Why didn't we just

take a Princess Cruise?

Captain Ron...

May I have the camera, please?

Sure, Boss.

I thought I'd take a look.

I didn't use any film.

Is that right?

Let me tell you something.

This is not a toy. It's a highly

complex piece of equipment.

- I can see. All kinds of buttons.

- It came with a 64-page manual.

I read it. Have you? I doubt it.

Excuse me. Are we going

to any more human-type places?

- You heard of St Croix?

- Yeah!

- We're going to a place next to it.

- What's it called?

- Teds!

- "Teds"...?

It has great historical significance.

A sponge fisherman's convention!

Or more rocks.

She's really a great girl.

Yeah, I think you broke it, Boss.

Swab, bring me another brewski!

Day ten. Sailing lessons continue

under Captain Moron's direction.

- Martin, are you OK?

- It could happen to anyone.

Swab, come here.

When you get down there, grab it,

yank on the line twice. I'll pull you.

Never mind. You go with the boss.

I'll take care of it.

This is going to be

one of the high points of the trip!

It doesn't even have a dock!

But it has one of the best examples

of Spanish forts in the West Indies.

Cannons, walls.

They're all still here.

- Double baconburger and a dog.

- Chips, baconburger.

- Why are you so upset?

- He took us to the wrong island!

- We all make mistakes. He's human.

- Prove it.

Let's make the best of it

and explore the island.

- I just ordered chilli fries!

- How much for the hat?

Look. See, everything's fine.

The kids are happy, Ron is buying

us lunch. Let's just eat, OK?

I planned a spontaneous adventure.

Captain Contagious is screwing it up.

Throw some music on the jukebox.

Boss! Stay on the path.

There's guerrillas in these woods.

Too cool!

- There are no gorillas here.

- Yeah, there is.

Sorry, gorillas are native

to Equatorial Africa.

No gorillas. Not here. No way.

Honey, stay on the path, OK?

- I think he has a problem with you.

- The boss? No, we're like this.

Some people get jealous at me.

There's the Navy thing.

(MAMBO MUSIC)

Mambo!

- How about it, babe?

- I can't dance to this. Nobody can.

Check this out.

- Come on. You know how to do this.

- Not in these shoes.

Kick them off!

"Stay in the path, Boss!

There's gorillas in the woods. "

- Martin and I used to go dancing.

- It shows.

If there's one single gorilla

around here, I'll eat it.

(SCREECHING)

Gorillas. Right.

He could have said "revolutionaries",

"freedom fighters". No.

"Gorillas". He did it on purpose.

You can see it in his eyes... eye.

- Martin, he'll hear you!

- Let him hear me.

- He did convince them to let you go.

- Sorry. A true humanitarian.

There's Terry Waite, Desmond Tutu

and Captain Ron. The big three.

Boss? I just wanted...

More dry rot? Don't worry about it.

I fixed the winch handle.

Try to be more careful, all right?

- What are you holding?

- Winch drum.

That's my girl!

- Honey, don't start anything.

- I'm just getting a screwdriver.

- What difference does it make?

- I'm sick of being the thimble.

Well, I'm the top hat.

Be the battleship.

I'm the battleship.

- What's this?

- Monopoly.

- Two.45s and a MAC-10.

- Just some macho trip.

- Where did they come from?

- Ron traded with the guerrillas.

- We're getting into pirate waters.

- Pirates?

- Pirates of the Caribbean.

- Been to Disney World too many times?

- It's true. They have speedboats.

- I've never been to Disney World.

- Dollywood...

- You made me lose count!

- No guns on this boat.

- We need to fight off pirates.

- They can steal the boat.

- There are no pirates here.

- You said that about the guerrillas.

- I was right!

He said "gorilla". Not "guerrilla".

"Guer", "go".

Huge difference!

- What was that?

- Automatic weapons. How about that?

Captain Ron thought

we would have to hold off pirates!

He actually traded... Hold on.

- Captain Ron!

- Yeah, Boss?

- What did you trade?

- There's the beauty. Nothing. Nada.

They needed a lift to San Juan

and since we're...

This is my boat. You understand?

We don't give lifts

to armed revolutionaries.

Whatever you say. I'll return the guns

and the whole thing's off.

Is there a problem?

All right, fellas, give me a break.

Sit down.

Stand by to set the mainsail!

Set the mainsail!

Babe, don't just watch!

Jump up and guide those lines.

- Careful.

- Honey, be careful.

- Got it, Mom.

- Control your excitement, Caroline.

Wait! Come here.

Keep us on a heading of 270.

Guys, you've been through this!

Babe, get on the winch,

Boss, come up here with me.

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