Carrie Pilby Page #3

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How's your water?

It's pedestrian,

with a frothy finish.

Would you like

to taste my wine?

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, okay.

First, breathe in

the bouquet.

All right,

now take a sip.

Let the wine

coat your tongue.

Really?

That looks good on you.

What?

The wine.

It stained your lips red.

Man #2:

It's in every single

sexual fantasy I have.

Things are going great,

and then right before

the main event,

the phone rings.

Man:

Do you answer it?

Man #2:

No, but it still

totally ruins the moment.

So, things

get hot and heavy,

but just before intercourse,

the phone rings.

Man #2:

And then, my penis

becomes the size of a nub.

It practically

disappears.

I'm like a Ken doll

- with no genitalia--

- Oh, uh--

- Good God.

- Sorry.

I thought I was late.

I'm sorry, George.

It is time, in fact.

Let's come back

to this next week, shall we?

Oh, we have a couple

more minutes remaining.

But we could tack

that onto next week?

Absolutely.

Thank you, George.

Okay.

Thank you, doc.

- Call me.

- Carrie!

Carrie!

That was awful.

And I'd appreciate

you not listening in

on my sessions.

Sorry, the door was just

flat enough for my...

for my ear.

Anyway, I was very eager

to get here,

because I have

your precious list,

and I'll have you

know I've already ticked

two things off.

- Really?

- Don't act so surprised.

I'm a very good student,

you know.

All right.

Well, let's hear it, then.

Okay, firstly...

I'll admit the cherry soda

was excellent.

Very good.

The jury's still out

on the goldfish.

They don't do much.

Well, when it comes

to goldfish,

I'd lower

my expectations.

Good start.

Maybe if we can focus

on some of these other things.

Carrie.

What's so great

about being happy anyway?

There are some

brilliant unhappy people.

Kierkegaard, Beethoven,

Van Gough...

Morrissey!

Anyway,

I'm not unhappy.

You'd be

a lot more convincing

if you could look at me

when you say that.

One of these days,

you should decide

you're going to let someone

get to know you.

You can start

by trusting me.

Don't you think

that real companionship

would help?

What about going

on a date?

Any more thoughts

about that?

Why does everyone act

like sex is this magical,

happiness cure-all?

I didn't say anything

about sex.

Well, then,

you're the only one,

because it seems

to be the only thing

anyone talks about.

Who's anyone?

Well, people at work,

people I overhear in cafes.

That weird little perv

who was in here just now,

talking about

his disappearing penis.

Please, leave him

out of this.

Why can't I go into

a grocery store

without being

accosted by headlines

claiming 101 ways

to have an orgasm.

Wouldn't 50 three-ways

be sufficient?

Wouldn't-- wouldn't one?

Well, it's true that sex

is a big part of adult life.

If it weren't,

the human population

would die out.

But it doesn't mean

that everyone

is sex obsessed.

It may seem

like that to you now,

but I would gather

that if you were older

and had more experience,

it wouldn't seem as glaring.

What makes you think

that I'm not

sexually experienced?

Are you?

I can have opinions

regardless of whether

I myself have had sex.

True,

but it's hard to comment

on what it's like

to fly in an airplane

if you've never been

off the ground.

However,

if you have had

sexual experiences,

and you want

to discuss them--

No thanks.

Ew.

Anyway, you can't just

go on a date.

You have to be asked.

Not necessarily.

I refuse to troll

the Internet for a date.

I don't know,

You just might end up

having the most fun

you've ever had.

Or I 'll end up

locked in a crate

and shipped overseas

to be

a Saudi prince's sex slave.

My guess is

it'll probably end up

being somewhere

in between the two.

"Single male

seeks adventurous woman

into hiking..."

Blah, blah.

"Single male, 76."

No.

"Single white male,

engaged and confused.

Due to be married,

but want to test

the waters first."

( scoffs )

That has to be the most

inappropriate ad ever posted.

All right.

( clears throat )

( dialing )

I do not need

to be judged by you

right now, Katherine.

Petrov said,

"Go on a date."

He didn't say it couldn't be

to rat out a cheat.

I could find out

the name of his fiance

and warn her. Huh?

Kill two birds

with one stone.

Cross off the list,

and catch a hypocrite

in the act.

( dials )

( phone rings )

Shh.

It's ringing.

( ringing continues )

Man on recording:

Hello, this is Matt.

Please leave a message.

( beeps )

Hi, Matt.

You sound

really, really cute.

I sympathize

fully with your situation.

I'm dating

this great guy,

but there's

just no chemistry

and I wanna see

if I'm right.

When I saw your ad,

I thought, well,

this could be discreet way

to find out.

Like you said.

My name is...

Gloria Patch.

Gloria Patch.

( mouthing words )

What?

Are last names

even allowed?

Maybe that wasn't

so discreet.

So yeah,

just Gloria.

Call me

and we'll go on a date.

Bye!

Okay, that went well.

Thanks for the support.

What do you mean

I didn't leave my number?

Damn it!

( phone ringing )

Hello?

Matt:

Is-- is that Gloria?

Who?

Oh, yes.

Yes, it is.

This is Matt,

you just called me?

So I did.

But I didn't leave

my number.

Oh, it came up

on my phone.

Oh, cool.

You sound really great.

- Thanks.

- So...

would you like to meet

somewhere or something?

Sure.

How about 12:
30

at Aejo on 28th?

It's very nice,

very atmospheric

and very public.

Well, I don't want

too public.

No, no.

Of course.

Well, it's not so public

that you would be outed,

but public enough

that you wouldn't be able

to kill me

without witnesses.

Okay. Okay, well,

that sounds good.

Okay, great, bye.

What does one wear

to expose a cheater?

Not that.

( gasps )

Jesus!

You scared

the crap out of me.

How long have you

been standing there?

No time at all.

I was just about to knock.

Look, I just wanted

to apologize

about what I said

the other day

about you not

being relaxed.

You're right,

I don't know you

and I shouldn't have

judged.

I'm Cy.

Okay, well,

apology accepted, I guess.

Carrie.

I thought maybe

I could invite you

to dinner or something.

- What for?

- I don't know,

I thought it might be fun.

- Fun?

- Yeah, fun.

You've heard

of the concept?

I'm familiar

with it, yeah.

One of the things

that people do

and they indulge in it

to divert themselves

from the true realities

of existence.

Well, look--

If you ever feel like

leaving your apartment--

- Just--

- What the hell is that

supposed to mean?

Nothing, just--

You have a reputation

around here

for being a bit

of a hermit.

Is that right?

Well, if you don't mind,

I'm actually just going

now to meet someone.

A male someone.

See how I'm leaving

the apartment?

I see, yeah.

You might want

to spread the word.

Oh, I'll definitely

do that.

Good.

And Carrie--

got some lipstick

on your teeth.

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