Carrie Pilby Page #4

---

( scoffs )

I hate it

when that happens.

Hey, party of one?

No, actually, two.

I'm meeting someone.

Really?

Like, a man?

Yeah, a man.

Okay, cool.

Just look around

and see if he's here.

Well, I haven't actually

met him before.

I see.

But I know his name.

It's Matt.

Matt.

Yeah, I think

I know who he is.

- Uh, um--

- Gloria--

Sorry.

That's okay.

( chuckles )

There.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hi.

( clears throat )

Wow.

You're just, uh...

You're much more beautiful

than I had expected.

Am I?

Yeah, I thought

I would only get

desperate ogresses

applying to an ad

in the "Village Rag,"

let alone a woman

who's into literature.

How did you know

I'm into literature?

Gloria Patch...

from Fitzgerald's

underrated masterpiece,

"The Beautiful

and the Damned"?

Okay.

I'm a massive geek, sorry.

Oh, don't be sorry.

You won't beat me for geekdom.

I'll take that challenge.

- You're on.

- Okay.

Should we order

some drinks?

I'll just stick to water.

Not to be a spoilsport.

No, actually,

I don't drink either.

I never saw

the point of it.

Oh, well, in my case,

it would be illegal.

Really?

How-- how old are you?

- Nineteen.

- Wow.

So, you--

you're a student?

Ex. I graduated

Harvard last year.

No way,

I went to M.I.T.

- Did you?

- Mathematics.

Hang on,

so you must have been 18

when you graduated?

That math degree

came in handy, huh?

Well, that was a little thing

called subtraction.

Have you guys decided?

I'll just--

a quesadilla with water.

And I'll have a diet Coke

and a cheese enchilada.

Great.

I'll take your menus.

Coming up.

A diet Coke?

Yeah, I'm just trying

to keep the weight off

before the...

Yeah, so, I'm surprised

that someone from Harvard

reads the personals.

How else

should I find a man?

Wait for our eyes

to meet

while trying to solve

Fermat's theorem?

Well, Fermat's

was already solved in 1994.

Well, one nil to you.

( chuckles )

- Asshat.

- Sh*t for brains.

Woman:

Dwayne, Joshua...

I just used

to get called dork.

We actually had a kid

whose last name was Dork.

But it didn't

really hurt him, though.

He was way

too good-looking.

Well, luckily, he didn't have

a first name like Dick.

It was Dick,

his first name.

Dick Dork was a person's name

that you knew?

- Dick Dork.

- Well, I'm gonna have to come

to your apartment

and look at your yearbooks

to make sure

you're not lying to me.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Was it just me

or did you find

everyone in high school

stultifying?

Yes, in fact

if you used that word,

"stultifying,"

in front of them,

they would have shouted

SAT word!

- SAT word!

- Yes.

- I remember that.

- Yeah?

And the teachers

were lousy too.

Well, actually,

two of them

are coming to my wedding.

( clears throat )

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing,

I was just playing

- with my napkin--

- No, no, no.

What are you doing here?

I mean, what's with the ad?

Oh, uh...

My fiance

and I got together

when we were

really young,

and I love her.

I do, but I--

I just sometimes think

something's missing,

and I don't wanna do

the wrong thing,

so I'm just

looking for clarity.

Does that make any sense

or do I just sound like

a total dick?

The two aren't necessarily

mutually exclusive.

When's the big day?

February 4th.

Oh, excuse me!

Hey!

( coughs )

I'm choking!

Oh, I thought

you didn't drink.

and I thought

you'd be a creep.

Would that have helped?

Frankly, yes.

I came here with the intention

of exposing you.

What do you mean?

I read your ad,

and as a member

of the female gender

and people

with integrity everywhere,

it pissed me off.

So, I thought

I'd make a date with you,

find out about

your girlfriend,

and then tell her

she's about to marry a cheat.

- Oh, my God.

- What do you expect?

You're getting married

in two months,

you're trying to meet girls

in classified ads.

- That--

- I thought I'd find

a narcissistic rat bag,

not some handsome,

charming, smart--

you need to be

honest with her.

I know, I know.

You're right and I--

I just want

to be clear about

how I'm feeling

before I do that.

Are you clearer now?

No.

Well, I'm glad

to have helped.

Good luck

with the nuptials...

I guess.

Or not.

Woman:

Oh, yeah.

You liked him,

didn't you?

Whether I did or not

is irrelevant.

He's engaged.

And that is that.

You should definitely

see him again.

What is it about

the word engaged

- that you don't get?

- He's not even married yet.

What's the problem?

Even if he were married,

who cares?

I care!

I try very hard

not to be engaged

in activities

that are harmful

to myself or others.

Okay, you don't think

it's gonna hurt you

to not get to hang out

with someone you like?

You don't think

it hurts to deny yourself

the possibility of love?

Okay, next time

you see Matt,

ask him

his fiance's middle name.

There won't be

a next time.

Why?

Because guys

don't usually

pay attention

to details like that.

But if they're in love,

they do.

They've been

together forever,

of course he's gonna know

her middle name.

So, it's a good test

then, isn't it?

And if he doesn't know it,

I'd say he's fair game.

Yo, yo, yo.

What's up?

What are you guys--

what are you talking about?

Oh, you know,

clothes, makeup, boys.

Hmm.

Sorry I missed that.

So, are you going to see

the legend tomorrow night?

Who?

My recently ex-boyfriend

is playing a gig at Natto's.

Why is he your ex?

Because he chose

to go off with some whore,

that's why.

And she is so not

his type.

Yeah, he much prefers sluts

to whores.

What's his name?

His name is Dex

and he's a jerk.

But he's amazing.

Like, his tongue

should be registered

as a national treasure.

( chokes )

Hey, you should come.

Douglas:

You-- you should totally go.

Sure, why not?

Hey,

that's my philosophy too.

Thank you so much

for going.

I cannot watch

another Dex show.

Never really

felt bad about it

As we drank deep

from the lie

'Cause I felt

melting magnets...

Uh, hi.

Vodka, straight up.

Actually,

what's the one

all

the sorority girls drink,

the one that makes

you really drunk?

- Oh, rum.

- Rum, double.

I.D.?

Can I-- can I give you

my I.Q. instead?

185?

Surely I can be

better trusted with alcohol

than older,

less intelligent people.

Are you 21?

Alcohol

is an organic compound

in which the hydroxyl group

is bound to a carbon atom

so that the chemical makeup

of the ethanol

in your slightly

toxic wares

is C2H 5OH.

I think I can handle it.

- Hey, just lie.

- I'm not a liar.

Well, he's not going

to give you a drink

unless you do.

Well, you know what?

Morality is inconvenient.

Coke, please.

Regular, not that diet sh*t.

Okay,

you're feisty tonight.

I like it.

But at least let me,

like...

- ( muttering )

- Wait, can--

Why can't people

just like me for who I am?

Nobody likes anybody

for who they are.

That's why

we have to pretend

to be better

than who we are

and then let people

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes