Carrie Pilby Page #5

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find out the truth later,

you know,

once they've already invested.

That makes you

sound like a psychopath.

Okay, well--

Mm. It's spiked.

Wow, looks like

she is a genius.

Finally,

the recognition

I've been craving.

Maybe--

maybe that was a move.

I don't get why people

are so sex obsessed.

It's like

a national epidemic.

Because sex

is freaking fantastic.

It's not that great.

The kissing part maybe,

but the main event

is nothing to be

obsessed about.

Yes, I win!

I knew you

weren't a virgin.

What do you mean

"you win"?

- Win what?

- Just a bet with Dougie.

About my virginity?

It's not about your virginity,

okay?

I made some money.

Be happy for me.

Your problem is

you haven't had sex

with the right person.

There's a lot

of good, clean sex

going on out there.

And by clean,

I mean dirty, okay?

And just because people

like to do it,

doesn't mean

that they're obsessed.

Do you think people

are sleep obsessed

because they like

to sleep every day?

You have to sleep

for survival.

Some people

screw for survival!

Sleep obsession

doesn't hurt anyone!

Neither does sex,

if it's between

two consenting adults.

The Victorians

forced people

to deny

their natural desires--

Shouldn't our natural desires

sometimes be denied?

Like, what if

your natural desire

is to step on a baby?

Okay, yeah,

you-- you have a point.

- Like, stepping on babies...

- Bad!

...should be avoided

at all costs.

I just think

that people make

an awful lot of excuses

to indulge

in bad behavior

on the pretext that

"I wanted to do it,"

or "if we're discreet,

it won't hurt anyone."

Humans are hypocrites.

And that's what makes us

so bloody interesting.

( chuckles )

What language was that?

That's how you speak.

That's how you come off.

You should know that

about yourself.

Oh, my God.

What is this?

Is this a bucket list?

You aren't dying,

are you?

Because I do not have

the emotional maturity

to deal with

a terminal friend right now.

It's not a bucket list.

Then what is it?

I see a therapist.

He made it for me

to help me be happier.

Oh, honey, you don't need

a list for that.

I'll help you.

Okay, I'm having

a New Year's Eve Party,

for one thing.

You should definitely come.

Also, you should call up

that bad boy from the paper

and give him

the bang of his life.

He'll leave that twit

he's with,

and you'll never be

lonely again.

Do you seriously

think that?

It's not your job

to be

everyone's moral guardian.

If you like the guy,

that's between you and him.

- ( feedback buzzes )

- He's the one

with the fiance.

That's for him

to deal with.

Not you.

Ooh, there he is.

Okay, okay.

Do they say, like,

"Get off the stage

and do me?"

Yes, but not

in a good way.

How can it not be

in a good way?

( playing guitar )

( audience cheers )

Dex, I love you,

you a**hole!

( punk music playing )

I have to go.

I know!

He's so good, right?

( Dex singing )

I put my foot down

And I stomp

on the pavement

I'm a wire

through a plaster wall.

( music continues )

Professor Harrison:

What are you

thinking about?

How even

if I started now,

and dedicated

my life to reading,

I wouldn't get

through a fraction

of all of the books

ever written.

You fascinate me,

Carrie Pilby,

you know that?

I find you completely

and utterly enchanting.

Why thank you,

professor from a 1950s

black and white movie.

And so...

You know when I say things

like that--

you're brilliant,

or that I think

you're beautiful,

it's because

I really mean that.

I'm not trying

to flatter you.

What's your favorite version

of Faust?

Don't change the subject.

- No?

- No.

Come with me

Come and see

The chill,

the hush and glimmering

Of green

the mountain stream...

What is this?

I've never heard it before.

You have

an insatiable appetite

for learning.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Don't be.

Under the moon

so round

The moon so round

Anyway

There's really

not that much to say

It's just another day

There's really

not that much to say

It's just another day

There's really

not that much to say

It's just

another day...

Wait here, one minute.

There's really

not that much to say

It's just

another day.

( dialing )

( beeping )

Dad, he's cheating.

You know your friend

you hired to try and fix me,

well, he's doing it

with a married woman.

Woman:

Hello, Carrie.

Your father just stepped away

for a moment.

Sorry, who's this?

I thought

I called my dad.

No, you did,

you did.

Then who are you?

Oh, dear, I probably

should not have

picked up the phone.

This wasn't how

I wanted us to meet.

But I did want

to let you know

how excited I am

that you'll be

joining us here

for Christmas.

The kids

are practically wild

with anticipation--

The kids?

- What?

- Woman:
Oh, Daniel,

please tell me

you have told her about us.

Carrie:

Told me what?

Oh, God.

Hello, darling.

- What's the matter?

- Told me what?

What haven't you told me

that this woman

and her children know

that I don't...

apart from that

you're not coming

to New York for Christmas!

Well, it was meant

to be a surprise, darling.

I've got the ticket

so that you could come here.

To London?

But that's

a sh*t surprise.

You know

I hate London.

And anyway,

you promised

we'd always have

Christmas here

in New York.

You know, darling,

life doesn't always

work out as we--

as we plan it.

We have to adapt.

But why?

And when were

you gonna tell me?

And when are you

ever gonna stop lying?

I thought it was

too long a conversation

to have on the phone,

and so I decided

- I'll wait till you--

- And then what?

When exactly was

the perfect time to tell me

that you're abandoning

our Christmas tradition

because of some woman

you're shagging,

and her kids are obviously

more important.

Now, Carrie,

that is not the way it is.

Matter of fact,

Fliss and I

are going to be married.

I'm sorry,

it sounded like

you just said

you were getting married.

I did.

I am.

We are.

So,

when you come over,

we can have a long luncheon,

talk everything through,

and I'll explain

all to you.

You get to meet Fliss.

I don't want

to meet Fliss.

( stammering )

Darling...

we can sort this out--

Go sort yourself!

( ringtone plays )

( phone rings )

( clatters )

( knocking on door )

Hi.

I can't believe

you called.

Neither can I.

- Allow me.

- Oh.

- I'm glad you did.

- Mm.

Thank you.

Bring me back

Bring me back

to you...

This is a nice place.

Ah, thanks.

Can I get you

something to--

Where is she?

She's at a meeting

in Westchester

with some guy at Craft.

She opened

her own advertising firm

and he is a friend

of her dad's,

so she thinks

he might throw her a bone.

Is that a euphemism?

What? Oh, God, no!

What if he did

throw her a bone?

Would you--

would you be upset?

Maybe.

I mean, I'm not sure...

...taking ahold

Brings me back

Brings me back

to you...

So, are we doing this,

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