Carry on Doctor Page #3

---

She's having a baby in the spring.

Hello. What happened to old Mind-Over-Matter?

Oh, Mr Bigger, you mean?

He wanted to be moved to a private room.

It was too noisy for him in here.

Couldn't hear himself think, eh?

Hello, Ken. Nurse tells me

you want to have a word with me.

Yeah, that's right, doc.

But alone, if you don't mind.

Oh, pardon me. Have you done with the bottle?

Yeah, you take it.

You'll get fourpence back on it, maybe!

What's the problem?

Well, it's like this... Do you have anything

to do with the women in here?

- Mind your own business.

- Eh?

No, I mean in the women's wards.

Oh. Oh, I see. Oh, no, no.

I always get the uninteresting jobs

around here. Why?

Well, I was just wondering

if you could slip a little note to one of them.

Mr Biddle,

you're asking me to break hospital rules,

and I quote:
"Staff will not allow, nor encourage,

fraternisation

between male and female patients. "

I don't want to get fraternal with her, doc.

Far from it.

All right. Give it to me, then.

Thanks, doc.

She's in the ward at the end of the corridor.

- Third bed on the left.

- Third bed on the left...

- Right.

- No, left.

Right.

Eh?

But why do I have to be moved, Matron?

lunderstand from Sister one of the male

patients has been bothering you,

peering through the door.

But that doesn't bother me, Matron, really.

It bothers me. This is a hospital, not a fish tank.

Well, well, and how are we this morning?

Excuse me a minute.

That's better.

Yes, it is.

Did you want to examine me, Doctor?

Oh, oh, no, no. No, no!

No, no, I just brought a note in for you.

Anote? For me?

Oh, I say! Fancy someone sending me a note!

Yes, fancy.

Ooh, yes!

That's a very good one.

Wouldn't you agree, Matron?

I've seldom seen a better appendectomy scar,

Doctor.

There's only one thing I don't get, Doctor.

Why've I got two other scars -

one here, and one here?

My dear man,

an appendix is smaller than a golf ball.

And you know

how difficult they are to find sometimes.

- Oh, I see.

- Yes, the stitches can come out today.

- How long's that cast been on?

- Eight days, Doctor.

Then, Mr Biddle, in that case,

I think it's high time you had it off.

I've been lying here thinking the same thing.

Well, Mr Smith, how is it today?

Ah! Still very sore, Doctor.

Your own fault.

Should've had it done years ago.

Oh!

- Hello.

- Hello.

Oh!

Oh, I thought you might be a man coming in.

Sorry to disappoint you.

I'm Nurse Clarke.

This is my room.

Oh, yes. I've just arrived,

and they told me I was to share with you.

I'm Sandra. Sandra May.

Glad to have you, Sandra.

Are you a trainee?

That's right.

I was told to report to Fosdick Ward right away.

Say, will Doctor Tinkle be there?

Probably. Why, do you know him?

Know him!

Just look.

"To darling Sandra, my first case. "

That's me.

How nice.

He saved my life. He's terrific.

He's a life-giving doll.

Temperature 106?! Have you been reading

Playboy magazine again?

What are you talking about?

I'm a sick man.

You've been here ten weeks,

and I can find nothing wrong with you.

- Can I help it if you don't know your job?

- That's ridiculous.

With a temperature of 106, you're dead.

Well, don't just stand there - bury me.

It's certainly a very puzzling case, Doctor.

It's an enigma.

That's what it is, Matron. An enigma.

I am not having another one of those!

I'm determined

to either kill this or cure it, Matron.

I want a blood pressure test, a barium test,

a brain electrolysis,

chest and stomach X-rays,

saliva, blood and urine analyses.

What was all that?

And while you're about it, syringe his ears out.

- Is nobody in that bed?

- That was Mr Bigger.

- Oh, yes. I'd better see him next.

- He's in X-ray at the moment, Doctor.

Thank you.

Right, Nurse, undo his gown, please.

Right. Smile, please.

Smile?

What with?

I'm terribly sorry. Force of habit.

lused to be a top portrait photographer.

Did you? Well, you've reached the bottom now,

haven't you?

All right, here we go, then.

Let's see those dimples.

Argh!

Oh, dear. There goes another tube.

What about that, then!

What?

Phwoar!

Argh!

Oh!

Mr Bigger! What are you doing down there?

Waiting for a No. 7 bus.

Not now.

Cor!

I'm Nurse May. I was told to report here, Sister.

- I'll be with you in a moment.

- Hi.

Oh, dear, dear!

Oh, no you don't.

Oh, I saw that film.

I thought you'd like to smell it.

Mmm, lovely.

Yes, well, that's different.

They stuff you full of everything here.

A lady brought them for you.

Would you like to see her for a few minutes?

- Oh, all right, I might as well.

- Come on, then, up you sit.

Oh, dear!

Argh!

You can come in now, Miss Gibson.

Oh, hello, dear. Nice of you to come.

Nice of you to come.

Well, sit down.

Sit down!

I... I thought I'd just pop in to cheer you up.

Yes, it was a nice thought, dear.

Nice thought!

Yes.

- Oh, Mr Bigger!

- Oh, blimey!

It's all right, dear. All right!

Oh, Mr Bigger!

Oh, that's all I need!

- This is Mr Bigger, Doctor.

- Oh, how do you do?

How do you do, Mr Bigger?

I'm Doctor Tinkle, the senior physician.

Well, I'm glad you've come, Doctor,

cos I am in agony, what with my back and her.

Oh, shut up!

Well, I'll examine you,

and we'll soon find out what's wrong.

Would you mind waiting outside, please?

I'm afraid she's a bit mutt, Doctor.

Yes, well, I'm afraid she'll have to go.

I've been saying that for years. Chloe?

You'll have to wait outside, dear.

Outside!

Wait!

- This way.

I'll see if Mr Bigger's X-ray is ready, Doctor.

Thank you, Matron. Please, turn over.

Oh, dear. Much more of this,

I shall have the best-known backside in town.

Oh, a slight bruising, certainly, yes.

No bleeding. Good.

Just like the service round here.

- Arrgh!

- Did that hurt?

- Of course it did!

- Good.

Here is the X-ray of the posterior area, Doctor.

It's a bit fuzzy, I'm afraid.

So would yours be,

if a contrivance had exploded all over it.

No spinal damage.

Slight curvature, perhaps.

Mr Bigger,

did you have any weaknesses as a boy?

Pardon?

Did you have any weaknesses as a boy?

Er, well...

- Do I have to answer that?

- Certainly.

Well...

lused to like pinching little girls' yo-yos.

With your back, I meant!

Oh, ah...

Why?

You've a slight curvature, that's all.

That's all?!

Far too late to do anything about it, I'm afraid.

What do you mean, too late?

What I say. It's past treatment.

It's a waste of time your being here.

- You might as well go home.

- Go home?!

With my poor back?

There's nothing we can do about it,

Mr Bigger, nothing at all.

What does he mean,

nothing you can do?

Just what he says, Mr Bigger.

Dr Tinkle is a brilliant physician,

and if he says nothing can be done,

you can be sure he is right.

But there must be something!

We can't waste valuable hospital time and space

accommodating idiots

with simple bruises on their simple backsides.

I quite agree, Doctor.

Excuse me, Doctor,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes