Carry on Doctor Page #4

---

but is Mr Bigger going to be all right?

Are you his next of kin?

I beg your pardon?

Are you his next of kin?

Oh, no, not yet, but any day now.

What do you mean, any day now?

Well, we've had a sort of understanding

for the past 11 years,

so I'm kind of on the verge,

if you know what I mean.

If there's anything wrong with me,

I've got a right to know.

Oh, well, I really am most glad

to know that everything's going to be all right,

but it would be nice

if he could stay here for a few weeks.

I'm sorry, madam, we need the beds.

Oh, yes, well, of course, I quite understand,

but poor Mr Bigger has been working so hard.

He needs a good rest, you know, the poor man.

And I mean,

it isn't as if he wouldn't be paying for it.

All right, then. All right, all right.

But I warn you, Miss Gibson,

I can only give him a week at the most.

Only a week?

I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid that's the way it is.

A week!

A week at the most!

Oh!

Oh...

Of course, the trouble nowadays, Matron,

is we're breeding a race of weaklings.

Neurotic idiots

with no emotional stamina or physical stability.

Though, fortunately,

there are one or two of us left that can still...

That girl!

What's she doing here?

Which girl?

The nurse in the sluice room!

- There's no-one in the sluice room, Doctor.

- No...

Are you all right, Doctor?

Am I all right? Of course I'm all right.

All right? Yes.

Why shouldn't... Why shouldn't I be... all right?

Yes, I'm fine!

Doctor? Doctor!

Yes! Yes!

Crikey, what have I done?

Here comes the poor bleedin' visitors.

Yep. I don't know who to feel more sorry for.

Them or the poor muckers they're visiting.

- Wotcher, Ken.

- Hello, Fred, mate.

- How's it going, then?

- Oh, not so bad. I got the old plaster off.

Oh, good, good. That's marvellous.

Well...

Well, so you're... going on all right, then, eh?

Good, good. That's good.

Well, here I am again, dear.

How are you feeling this evening?

Not too good, Mildred.

I can't seem to keep anything down.

Oh, dear, what a shame.

Well, never mind, dear. Won't be long now.

I hope not.

Oh, Mildred,

I will be all right after baby comes, won't I?

Oh, course you will, my dear.

Here, look.

I brought you a nice bottle of eau de Cologne.

Now, would you like me

to rub some of that on your forehead?

Thank you, dear.

It might hurry it up.

Well... So, you're going on all right, then, eh?

Good. Good.

Well, I mustn't overstay my welcome.

No, don't go.

I want you to do something for me.

Anything, Ken, mate. You know that.

Look, there's a bird in the women's ward,

down the corridor.

Oh, ho, you are feeling better, aren't you?

Never mind that.

She was in the third bed on the left,

but they've moved her,

and I want to know where.

Leave it to me. What does she look like?

Well, she's got close-cropped brown hair,

- hazel eyes...

- A fair complexion...

- Very fair.

- It's as good as done.

You know me.

The old expert in cherchez la femme.

Hello, love.

- You're late.

- I stopped to get you some lovely, nice grapes.

Argh!

Blimey, not again! I don't like grapes.

Oh, go on. You know they're good for you.

How's it feel?

Rotten. It's as sore as hell.

You should never have

made me had it done. Not at my age.

Well, you couldn't go on walking about like that,

with a great, big lump,

getting bigger and bigger all the time.

It's... It's not nice.

Besides,

it was starting to show through your clothes.

I found her, right down the end, on the right.

And a bit of all right, too.

Do you want me to give her a message?

No, I want to talk to her myself.

That should be easy.

Get them to move you to the next bed.

Oh, highly comical.

If I could just get...

Here...

- Did she have any visitors?

- Not when I looked in, no.

I got an idea.

Pull them curtains across quick, Fred.

Well, how long are you going to be here,

that's what I want to know.

I told you, I don't know!

They can't find out what's wrong with me.

I could tell 'em.

You're bone lazy, that's what's wrong with you.

Why do you have to keep on and on and on?

You're supposed to come here to cheer me up.

Cheer you up?

What do you need cheering up about?

Lying here, being waited on hand and foot,

all your meals brought...

Don't even have to walk to the lav.

Will you get it into your thick head,

I'm all run down.

I've been working too hard.

That's a laugh. You haven't

done a stroke of work for three years.

Go on, chuck it up in my face.

Is it my fault the labour couldn't find me a job?

Yes, when you put yourself down

as a hansom cab lamp fitter.

Can I help it if I'm a craftsman?

Oh, it's always all right for you.

What about me and the kids?

You never give a thought to us.

Oh, no, we could all starve, for all you care.

How you expect me to cope on the money

you bring home from the dole, I'll never know.

What with the kids to clothe and feed,

and the rent going up...

I just don't know

how I manage to make ends meet.

I've hardly been able

to go up the bingo this week.

Only three times, that's all.

Oh, Nurse, it is all right for me to visit Mr Bigger?

Oh, certainly. Go right on in.

Oh, would you like me

to put those in a vase for you?

Oh, yes, thank you so much.

Mr Bigger's very fond of fresh flowers,

especially chrysanthemums.

He's never without a pot by his bed.

- Hello!

- Hello, there.

Have you been discharged?

No, but I had to get to talk to you somehow,

didn't I?

Don't worry. If anybody comes,

just tell them I'm your husband or something.

I haven't got a husband.

Neither have I.

A wife, I mean.

Oh, I brought these for you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, they're lovely.

Not bad.

They're the best I could knock off, anyway.

My name's Ken, by the way. Ken Biddle.

Mine's Mavis.

Don't laugh. Mavis Winkle.

I should've brought a pin.

Do you like it here?

Well, it's very nice, really.

Yeah, it's not too bad, I suppose.

Do you come here often?

Wait a minute.

Dear Chloe, poor old soul.

Chloe, you've served me

very faithfully for many years,

and I haven't treated you very well, have I?

Now, you mustn't say that, Mr Bigger.

I told you right at the start,

I... I would not accept a salary.

I know, but I could have offered you one,

couldn't I?

I'll... I'll come back tomorrow.

Chloe,

I am going to make it up to you somehow,

if it's the last thing I do.

Oh, Mr Bigger!

Chloe,

would you give me a kiss?

Why, Mr Bigger, you...

You've never asked me

to do anything like that before.

- Mr Biddle?

- No.

- I mean, yes.

- Sister says you've got to have this.

- Oh. What is it?

- Castor oil.

All of it, Mr Biddle.

There's a good boy.

Enjoying yourself?

Sounds like it. I thought you'd had an accident.

What with her staying out half the night,

then coming home smelling of drink

and I don't know what.

Not that you care. Oh, no.

Let the kids go to pot,

just so long as you get your beer.

Well, time's up.

I'd better get,

before Sister starts buzzing around.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes