Casting Couch Page #6

BUT HEY, IT COULD WORK.

I AM SORRY, THOUGH, BRO.

- NO, F*** IT.

IT'S COOL.

LET'S GET MY GIRLS IN HERE.

- DODGED THAT ONE.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S CHECK OU SOME REDHEADS.

NOTHING LIKE A GOOD FIRE CROTCH.

- HEY, CHASE.

I'VE SEEN ALMOST ALL

YOUR MOVIES.

- COOL.

- IT'S A REAL PLEASURE

TO MEET YOU.

- I MEAN, SHE'S KIND OF

A REDHEAD,

BUT WITH TITTIES LIKE THAT,

I DON'T CARE

IF SHE'S A BROWNHEAD.

- CHELSEA,

YOU'LL BE READING LOLA,

AND CHASE WILL BE READING

WITH YOU AS BRAD.

- OH, MY GOSH.

YOU'RE READING WITH ME?

- SAME SH*T.

DIFFERENT DAY.

YUP.

DIFFERENT DAY.

SAME SH*T.

- I'M SO GLAD YOU SHOWED UP!

THERE'S A KILLER IN HERE!

- WHAT KILLER?

WHERE?

- HE JUST KILLED ABBY

AND RAN UP THE STAIRS!

- WELL, THEN YOU BETTER

STAY DOWN HERE.

I'LL GO FIND HIM.

- NO, DON'T.

HE HAS AN AX.

- BUT I KNOW KARATE.

- PEOPLE ACTUALLY PAY HIM

TO DO THIS.

- OH, BRAD.

YOU'RE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER.

- I TRY.

- AND YOU SUCCEED.

- I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE

OF THIS I CAN TAKE.

- I SHOULD BE GETTING PAID

FOR THIS.

- HE JUST KILLED ABBY,

AND HE RAN UPSTAIRS!

- OH, WELL, THEN YOU BETTER

STAY HERE.

I'LL GO FIND HIM.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, DON'T!

HE HAS AN AX.

- BUT I KNOW KARATE.

- WAIT!

- WHAT?

- I'M SCARED.

- AW, DON'T YOU WORRY

YOUR PRETTY LITTLE FACE.

I'LL PROTECT YOU.

- OH, BRAD,

YOU'RE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER.

- [chuckles]

I TRY.

- YOU SUCCEED.

OH, SH*T.

I ALMOST JUST KISSED YOU.

I'M SO SORRY.

- IT'S COOL, BABE.

- OKAY, THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU.

- [sighs]

- DAMN, BRO!

I AM JELLY!

CAN I BE YOU FOR, LIKE, A DAY?

YEAH, SURE.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN READ

WITH THE NEXT ONE.

I GOT TO TAKE A PISS.

- SWEET!

BRING ME A GINGER!

- SPEAKING OF REDHEADS,

KATIE'S KIND OF CUTE,

DON'T YOU THINK, NEWT?

- I'D BANG HER.

- OR IS IT JUST A HEARTBEAT?

- RYAN IS A LUCKY GUY.

- HEY, NEWTON,

WE'RE JUST GONNA MOVE ON.

YOUR GIRLS ARE HERE NOW.

DO YOU WANT ME:

TO HAVE THEM COME IN?

- UH, SURE.

- OKAY.

- HEY, NEWT, SINCE WE DIDN' WRITE SIDES FOR YOUR GIRLS,

LET'S JUST TELL THEM

IT'S A REALLY SECRET PAR OF THE SCRIP

THAT REQUIRES A REALLY STRONG

SCREAM QUEEN.

- UH, OKAY.

- OKAY.

- OKAY, WHENEVER YOU'RE READY,

LET US HEAR IT.

- [inhales]

[screams]

- [screams]

- [screams]

- [screams]

- YEAH, I ENJOYED THAT.

- ROOM FULL OF HOT BRUNETTES

OUT THERE.

- I GUESS THAT MEANS

IT'S MY TURN.

IT SAYS HERE YOU'VE GOT LOTS

OF IMPROV EXPERIENCE.

- THAT I DO.

- CAN YOU TELL ME

A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THAT?

- UH--

- I LOVE HOW BEN ACTS

LIKE HE KNOWS:

WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

I DID IMPROV:

FOR OVER A YEAR.

HE DIDN'T ASK ME

A GODDAMN THING ABOUT IT.

- JUSTIN SUCKED AT IMPROV.

THERE'S A REASON

WHY HE'S A WAITER.

- WELL, I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU

DO THE AUDITION MONOLOGUE,

BUT FEEL FREE TO IMPROV

WHEREVER IT TAKES YOU.

- [sighs]

[clears throat]

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHERE ARE YOU?

COME AND GET ME.

I DARE YOU.

YOU'VE KILLED

ALL OF MY BEST FRIENDS.

SHOW YOURSELF TO ME.

- I THINK I'M IN LOVE.

- WHAT?

ARE YOU CHICKEN?

HUH?

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BLAINE!

COME AND GET ME!

WHERE ARE YOU?

- I'M GETTING DIZZY.

- COME AND GET ME.

I DARE YOU.

- GREAT.

GREAT.

THAT'S REALLY ALL

WE NEEDED TO SEE.

- [chuckles]

THANKS.

- I'M SOLD,

HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER.

NAIL IN THE COFFIN.

SIGN ME UP.

I WANT TO EAT HER P*SSY.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- NO, THANK YOU.

[door creaking]

- YOU'RE RIDICULOUS.

- DID YOU NOT SEE HER?

- WE ALL SAW HER.

- WAS SHE NOT OOZING

WITH HOTNESS?

COME ON, CHASE.

I SAW YOU STARING.

WASN'T SHE FANTASTIC?

- SHE WAS HOT.

- SOMEBODY TAKE ME OU OF THE OVEN,

'CAUSE I'M DONE.

- I GUESS IN THIS PROJEC WE SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST.

I'M GONNA GO MAKE

A LITTLE SPEECH,

SAVE US ALL A LITTLE TIME.

- WHAT'S HE GONNA SAY?

- MY GUESS, IT'S GONNA

BE SOMETHING ABOUT SUCKING COCK.

- OR ASS PLAY.

- OKAY, I WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING

CRYSTAL CLEAR.

THIS IS A GAY CHARACTER

YOU'LL BE READING FOR.

YOU WILL BE REQUIRED

TO KISS A GUY.

SO FOR ANY OF YOU COOL DUDES

WITH A GIRLFRIEND

WHO SAYS YOU'RE OKAY WITH I BUT THEN YOU END UP

NOT BEING OKAY WITH I DURING FILMING,

WE'RE GONNA MAKE YOU

KISS A GUY RIGHT HERE

RIGHT NOW IN THE AUDITION.

IT'S IN THE SCRIPT.

SO IF ANY OF YOU COOL DUDES

HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT,

FEEL FREE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW.

- GROSS.

- WHAT DID YOU SAY?

- UH, NOTHING.

- FOR THE RECORD,

I'M NOT EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

- OKAY, LET'S DO THIS.

LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL.

KATIE, WILL YOU PLEASE

BRING THE FIRST ONE IN?

OH, AND I'LL BE READING

WITH THEM.

- OBVIOUSLY.

- ALL RIGHT, SO YOU'LL

BE READING FOR BLAINE.

- OKAY.

- READY?

- UH-HUH.

- YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

- I DO.

- SO THEN DO IT.

- BUT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

- SHE'S NOT HERE.

- BUT...

SHE WILL BE ANY MINUTE.

- WELL, THEN, WE DON' HAVE MUCH TIME.

KISS ME.

- OKAY.

- JENNY!

JENNY, NO!

IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!

- I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE PROUD

OF THAT SCENE.

ANYONE?

NEWT?

NO?

GOT IT.

- THAT WAS SO WRONG.

- THIS WHOLE DAY IS WRONG.

- WHAT, I THINK HE LIKED IT.

- YEAH, HE LIFTED HIS LEG.

- [chuckles]

- WHAT ARE YOU

LAUGHING AT, CHASE?

I SAW THAT MOVIE YOU DID,

THE GAY VERSION OF TWILIGHT.

LOOKED LIKE YOU LIKED

KISSING DUDES.

- UM, IT'S CALLED ACTING.

- OH, IS THA WHAT YOU CALL IT?

- HEY, THAT VAMPIRE MOVIE

GOT ME A LOT OF P*SSY.

- UGH, I HATE THAT WORD.

- WHAT, P*SSY?

- NO.

VAMPIRE.

DUMBASS.

- ALL RIGHT.

WELL, THIS IS NATHAN.

- WELL, HELLO, NATHAN.

- A LITTLE PIECE OF ME DIES

AS EACH GUY WALKS IN.

- SO THEN WE DON'T HAVE

MUCH TIME.

KISS ME.

- OKAY.

- I'M NOT HOMOPHOBIC.

I'M JUST SCARED OF GAY PEOPLE.

- OKAY, GUYS, THIS IS TRENT.

- WHAT'S UP?

- DID I MENTION

I'M TEAM JACOB?

SO YOU'RE BLAINE.

- OKAY.

- OKAY, COOL.

YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

- I DO.

- SO DO IT.

- BUT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

- SHE'S NOT HERE.

- SHE WILL BE ANY MINUTE.

- SO THEN WE DON'T HAVE

MUCH TIME.

KISS ME.

- OKAY.

- MMM.

LIKE A SUGAR COOKIE.

- HEY, PARKER,

THERE'S ONE MORE GUY OUT THERE.

YOU WANT ME TO BRING HIM IN?

- I THOUGHT THERE WERE

ONLY THREE OUT THERE.

- WELL, HE JUST SHOWED UP.

- WELL, FANTASTIC.

SEND HIM IN.

- THIS IS GETTING OU OF CONTRIZZY.

- UM, WHAT?

- HELLO, PARKER.

GENTLEMEN.

- WTF?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- WHAT?

I SAW YOUR LITTLE

CASTING NOTICE.

I THOUGHT I'D COME OUT.

YOU ALWAYS DID PROMISE

TO CAST ME IN SOMETHING.

- YOU'RE NOT RIGH FOR THIS ROLE.

- BUT I'M AN ACTOR,

A GENIUS ACTOR.

ISN'T THAT WHA YOU USED TO SAY?

- YES, WE DATED,

BUT IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO,

BEFORE I WAS SUCCESSFUL.

- YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE PROMISES

THAT YOU CANNOT KEEP.

- HE WAS MY MASSEUR.

HE HAD THE BEST HANDS.

- IN SOME CIRCLES,

I'M FAMOUS FOR MY HANDS.

- IT IS TRULY AMAZING

WHAT THAT MAN IS CAPABLE OF.

- THEY'RE LIKE MAGIC WEAPONS.

[blows air]

- BUT HE'S POSSESSIVE,

JEALOUS, AND SCANDALOUS.

- HE CALLED ME SCANDALOUS?

WELL.

- YOU ARE NOT AUDITIONING.

- WHAT?

BECAUSE I'M NOT A TWINK ANYMORE?

- UH, WHAT'S A TWINK?

- ACCORDING TO HOMOLINGO.COM,

A TWINK IS A BOYISH-LOOKING

YOUNG GAY MAN:

WHO IS SLENDER:

WITH LITTLE TO NO BODY HAIR,

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