Casting Couch Page #7

OFTEN BLOND:

BUT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE,

AND WHO DRESSES:

IN ULTRA-SLIM-FIT ATTIRE

AS IF ENTERING A CLUB

OR BARKING ON A HIKE.

I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

- FINE.

BUT YOU HAVEN'T SEEN

THE LAST OF ME.

[sinister music]

- THAT DUDE WAS CRAY CRAY.

- HE BETTER CAST ME

IN HIS LITTLE MOVIE.

OTHERWISE, I JUST MIGH SHARE SOMETHING WITH THE WORLD.

WHAT, YOU ASK?

LET ME JUST SAY:

THAT WE ALL HAVE

OUR OWN DARK, LITTLE SECRETS,

DON'T WE?

- AUDITIONS CONCLUDED.

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THIS PLAN IS GOING PERFECTLY.

TONS OF SEXY CHICKS IN TODAY,

ALL TOTALLY BELIEVING

IN THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.

NOW WE'RE GONNA HEAD BACK

TO MY PLACE:

TO DISCUSS CASTING.

[pop punk music]

- THANKS, ROSS.

- YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

SHE WAS ON HER FEET ALL DAY.

IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

- YOU SEE WHAT ROSS

IS DOING HERE?

HE IS KIND OF LIKE

A MAGNETIC FORCE

TO CHICKS WITH BOYFRIENDS.

HE'S THE KING

OF THE FRIEND ZONE.

- OKAY, GUYS, SO I'M THINKING,

TO GET THIS PLAN IN MOTION,

WE SHOULD ALL CALL THE PERSON

THAT WE WANT TO CAST.

- SHOULDN'T KATIE DO THAT?

- YEAH, I AM

THE CASTING DIRECTOR.

- YEAH, IN A REAL MOVIE,

I WOULD SAY YES,

BUT IN A FAKE MOVE,

I'M GONNA SAY, "F***, NO.

THAT'S RETARDED."

- POINT TAKEN.

AND I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR

DALLAS'S SWEE AND SEXY VOICE AGAIN.

- WHILE I HAVE

EVERYONE'S ATTENTION,

THERE IS SOMETHING

I'D LIKE TO ADDRESS.

- WE'RE NOT CUTTING

THE GAY CHARACTER.

- NO.

NO, OBVIOUSLY.

IT'S A GREAT CHARACTER.

GOOD JOB ON THE SCRIPT, GUYS.

I MEAN, IT'S REALLY GOOD.

- UH, THANK YOU.

- WHAT ARE YOU REALLY

GETTING AT, CHEESE DICK?

- I THINK--

I THINK WE SHOULD

MAKE THIS MOVIE.

- ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?

- THAT WAS NEVER PAR OF THE PLAN.

- BUT IT WOULD BE A SHITTY PLAN

WITH A SHITTY MOVIE.

- HEY!

- WHAT?

IT'S NO MASTERPIECE.

- IN OUR DEFENSE,

WE WEREN'T GOING FOR BRILLIANCE.

- YEAH, AND IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAD

A LOT OF TIME TO WRITE IT.

- IT'S A REALLY GOOD STORY.

I'M SURE, WITH A LITTLE BI MORE TIME,

WE COULD REORGANIZE THE PLAN.

- SO WE'RE NOT MAKING THE MOVIE,

OR WE ARE MAKING THE MOVIE?

- WE'RE NOT MAKING

THIS MOVIE, JUSTIN.

WHAT WE ARE MAKING

IS A DOCUMENTARY

ABOUT CASTING A FAKE MOVIE,

RIGHT, NEWT?

- UH, THAT'S WHAT I WAS--

- SHUT UP, NEWT!

COME ON, GUYS.

THIS COULD BE GREAT.

- BACK TO CASTING,

I THINK I'M GONNA GO

WITH THE JACOB LOOK-ALIKE.

GIVE ME TWO WEEKS,

ENOUGH ALCOHOL,

AND I'LL HAVE HIM CONVERTED.

- REALLY?

NOBODY THINKS:

THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?

- I WOULD RATHER

CUT OFF MY BALLS

AND SPOON FEED THEM

TO MY MOTHER:

THAN DIREC THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY

STARRING JUSTIN NO-NAME

THE CAREER WAITER.

- FINE.

WELL, I WANT TO CAS THAT CHICK SUMMER.

WE HAD GOOD CHEMISTRY, AND

I THINK SHE KIND OF LIKES ME.

- SHE HAD A LOT OF AIR UPSTAIRS.

- YEAH, I DON'T EVEN THINK

SHE'LL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

- EXACTLY.

AND SHE SEEMS:

LIKE THE TYPE OF GIRL

THAT WOULD LET ME THROW A PIECE

OF BOLOGNA AT HER BARE ASS.

- MY BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME.

- FAIR ENOUGH.

YOU CAN CAST WHOMEVER YOU WAN IN THIS GAME.

HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS?

- OH, THE SOUTHERN BELLE.

- ALEX.

- YES, ALEX.

SHE WAS DEFINITELY MY FAVORITE.

- YEAH, YOU SHOULD

TOTALLY CAST HER.

NO, SHE WASN'T MY GIRL,

BUT I JUST WOULDN'T MIND

SEEING HER AGAIN.

- WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE ASIAN?

- UH, I DON'T KNOW.

THEY KIND OF ALL

LOOKED THE SAME TO ME.

[funky exotic music]

- WE'RE GOING TO HELL.

- I GUESS I'LL TAKE

THE REALLY HOT ONE.

- OH, YEAH, THAT ONE WITH

THE AMAZING, JUICY CLEAVAGE.

- YEAH, I THINK HER NAME WAS...

KIMMY?

[whistles blowing,

cow bell dings]

[baby coos]

- HEY, I'D FEED HER

SOME KUMQUATS.

- WHAT ABOUT YOU, BROSKI?

YOU SHOULD CAS THAT REDHEADED CHICK.

SHE WAS TOTALLY INTO YOU.

- YEAH, WHAT WAS HER NAME?

I THINK HER NAME WAS--

- SURE, THAT'S FINE.

- SHE SHOULD BE AN EASY LAY.

- YEAH, SURE.

I MEAN, WHATEVER.

- I THINK CHASE

IS STILL PRETTY BUMMED

ABOUT JORDAN SHOWING UP.

HE HASN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE.

I ACTUALLY FEEL:

KIND OF BAD FOR HIM.

- UH, SO YOU GUYS DON'T NEED

ANYTHING ELSE FROM ME?

- NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

WE MIGHT NEED YOU TO HELP US OU A LITTLE BI

WITH OUR GAME:

AT THE PARTY, THOUGH.

- WHEN IS THE PARTY?

- OH, I JUST TALKED TO JOHNSON.

- HEY, LITTLE MAN.

ANY TIME YOU WANT TO BRING OVER

A BUNCH OF LITTLE HOTTIES,

YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO.

- WHEN EVERYONE

MAKES THEIR CALLS

AND THEY'RE CASTING

THEIR PERSON,

MAKE SURE THAT THEY CAN COME

TO THE PARTY THIS SATURDAY.

- YEAH, WE'RE CALLING I A KICKOFF PARTY,

A GOOD TIME FOR EVERYONE

TO MEET AND MINGLE.

- YEAH, AND OBVIOUSLY

GET WASTED.

- OBVIOUSLY.

- HEY, PERSONAL ASSISTANT?

- ASSISTANT DIRECTOR.

- ARE YOU COMING

TO THE PARTY ALSO?

- UH, NO, WE CAN'T--

- SURE.

WE'LL BRING THE VINO.

[giggles]

- AWESOME.

- FANTASTIC.

- I'M HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME

ON THIS PROJECT.

AND NONE OF YOU GUYS ARE WORRIED

ABOUT PISSING THESE PEOPLE OFF?

- NO, THEY ALSO GET TO BE

IN THIS DOCUMENTARY.

- AND MEET A BUNCH

OF GREAT GUYS.

- WELL, SOME OF US ARE GREAT.

- ALL RIGHT, THEN.

JUST CHECKING.

- I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN' THINK OF THIS IDEA EARLIER.

THIS IS HOLLYWOOD,

THE LAND WHERE MAGIC HAPPENS.

THIS PARTY IS GOING TO BE EPIC.

- HEY, WHAT'S UP?

IS THIS CHELSEA?

YEAH, WHAT'S GOING ON?

THIS IS CHASE LOCKWOOD.

YEAH, HEY.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

SO I'M CALLING YOU BECAUSE--

- HI, IS THIS KIMMY?

HI, KIMMY, THIS IS AUSTIN.

I'M THE WRITER

FOR THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.

YES, IT'S GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU.

- HI, THIS IS PARKER CALLING.

I'M THE DIRECTOR OF THE MOVIE

THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

- HEY, IS THIS DALLAS?

HEY, THIS IS BEN,

THE PRODUCER ON THE--

- SUMMER, WHAT'S GOING ON?

THIS IS JUSTIN.

I'M CALLING ON BEHALF

OF THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.

I'M ONE OF THE COPRODUCERS.

- HEY, ALEX, IT'S ROSS

FROM THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.

- WE'RE ACTUALLY REALLY EXCITED

ABOUT CASTING YOU,

CASTING THE ROLE.

- YEAH, CONGRATULATIONS.

- ...AND MEET THE RES OF THE CAST.

- WE WOULD LOVE

TO GIVE YOU THE PART.

- ...KICKOFF PARTY ON SATURDAY.

- YEAH, WE'RE HAVING A KICKOFF

PARTY THIS SATURDAY NIGHT.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL HAVE SOMEBODY E-MAIL YOU

ALL THE DETAILS.

- GONNA BE A LOT OF GIRLS THERE.

- REALLY, REALLY GREAT.

WE'RE EXCITED TOO.

- DON'T EAT ANYTHING BEFOREHAND.

THERE'S GONNA BE PLENTY

OF ALCOHOL.

- WE'RE EXCITED TO SEE YOU

ON SATURDAY.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL,

WE'LL SEE YOU ON SATURDAY, OKAY?

- CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.

- I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

- ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE.

- BYE-BYE.

- LATER.

- OKAY, BYE.

[upbeat rock music]

- TO GETTING LAID.

- HERE, HERE.

- DON'T I GET A SHOT?

- NO.

- HEY, BOYS.

- HEY, KATIE.

- I'M BASICALLY

THE WINGMAN TONIGHT.

OR WINGWOMAN.

WHATEVER.

[chuckles]

- KATIE IS GOING TO BE

OUR LIAISON.

- DANGEROUS LIAISON.

[giggles]

I LOVE IT!

- GUYS, I GOT A SURPRISE.

- FLAVORED CONDOMS?

- CLOSE.

I MADE FACEBOOK:

AND TWITTER ACCOUNTS

FOR THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.

- COOL.

- I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON

I HIRED BEN.

ALWAYS USING HIS NOGGIN.

- I FIGURE THIS JUSTIFIES

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