Casting Couch Page #9

- I DON'T KNOW.

HE HASN'T BEEN

IN THE BEST MOODS LATELY.

WHAT'S UP?

- COME QUICK.

I NEED YOUR HELP.

- AND THEN HE WAS LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD."

- KIMMY, COME WITH ME.

JOHNSON, THIS IS KIMMY,

THE SLUTTY ONE.

- OH, NICE TO MEET YOU.

- COME TAKE A SHO WITH ME AND JUSTIN.

WE'RE CELEBRATING.

- CELEBRATING WHAT?

- THE MOVIE, SILLY.

IT'S GONNA BE SO EXCITING.

HE'S GOING TO BE

A HUGE PRODUCER, JUSTIN.

- REALLY?

- UH-HUH.

- HEY, GUYS.

- HEY.

OH, SH*T.

HEY.

WHAT THE "F" IS SHE DOING HERE?

- SO YOU'RE THE WRITERS?

- YES, I AM.

- WE ARE.

- COOL.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

- HI.

I'M ALEX.

- ARE YOU IN THE MOVIE?

- YEAH, I PLAY RACHEL.

- I'M HOTTER THAN HER, RIGHT?

SO CAN I SEE A SCRIPT?

- UH--

- UH, NOT TILL THE TABLE READ.

[chuckles]

- RIGHT, NOT UNTIL

THE TABLE READ.

- F***.

WHATEVER.

I GOT TO GO CALL MY AGENT.

- WHAT IS GOING ON?

- HOW'S THE PARTY?

- WHAT?

- HOW'S THE PARTY?

- IT SUCKS.

AND SO WILL THIS MOVIE

IF IT EVER EVEN GETS MADE.

- HMM.

- HEY, GUYS.

COULD WE SIT HERE?

- FINDERS KEEPERS.

GET YOUR OWN BENCH.

- SERIOUSLY?

- WHAT?

- NO, IT'S OKAY.

YOU GUYS CAN SIT HERE.

I COULD USE A TRIP TO

THE LITTLE GIRL'S ROOM ANYWAY.

- OH, ME TOO.

- GREAT.

DALLAS.

- SUMMER.

- SHALL WE?

- WE SHALL.

- WAY TO F***

THAT ONE UP, PUNCHY.

- I BET YOU CAN'T DRINK

THE REST OF THIS FLASK.

- FOR SURE I CAN.

- THEN DO IT.

- [belches]

TOLD YOU.

- WELL DONE.

- MAN.

THAT ASIAN HAS:

SOME BANGING TITTIES.

- YOU KNOW THAT TITTIES

ARE JUST BIG BALLS

OF FAT, RIGHT?

- WELL, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- POOR LITTLE STRAIGHT BOY.

IS HE TRYING TO GET YOU DRUNK?

- GET OUT OF HERE, CALVIN.

- YOU KNOW HE'S JUST GONNA

CONVERT YOU, THEN LEAVE YOU.

- CONVERT ME?

WHAT THE F***?

- HE'S TALKING NONSENSE.

- HE'S HOPING TO MAKE YOU GAY.

- I'M NOT GAY.

- NOBODY SAID THAT YOU WERE.

- I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.

I'M GOING HOME.

- I'LL TAKE YOU HOME.

- YEAH, THEN HE'S GONNA TELL YOU

HE'S A MASSEUR.

NICE TRY.

I'M THE ONLY REAL MASSEUR

AROUND HERE.

- THOSE F***ING FANTASTIC HANDS.

- GOOD NIGHT, STRAIGHT BOY.

- WHAT ARE YOU

DOING HERE, CALVIN?

- WHAT?

I SAW THE EVENT ON FACEBOOK.

- HEY, I GOT YOUR TEXT.

WHAT'S UP?

- OH, GOOD.

I NEED YOU TO DO

SOME MORE SCHEMING FOR ME.

- GREAT.

I LOVE SCHEMING.

[laughter]

- THAT'S HILARIOUS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU WOKE UP LIKE THAT.

- I KNOW.

I PROBABLY SMELLED LIKE BUTTER.

[laughter]

- YUM.

- I'M GONNA HIT THE RESTROOM

REAL QUICK.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, BRO,

BEFORE YOU PISS YOURSELF

ALL OVER AGAIN.

- MM-HMM, VERY FUNNY.

- OH.

- UH, YOU LOOK KIND OF COLD.

DO YOU WANT MY JACKET?

- ARE YOU SURE?

- YEAH, IT'S TOTALLY FINE.

- OH, THANK YOU.

- GREAT.

- I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED

YOU WERE SO WILD.

- OH, I'M JUST REALLY

AMPED UP TONIGHT.

I WANT TO GET CRAZY.

- OH, WELL, LUCKY ME.

- CHASE, I NEED YOU

FOR A SEC.

GET CHELSEA IN THE HOT TUB

IN FIVE MINUTES.

- WHAT?

WHY?

- DON'T ASK QUESTIONS.

JUST DO IT.

IT'LL BE EASY.

- I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S

A GOOD IDEA.

- ALL PART OF JUSTIN'S

JEALOUSY PLAN.

- OH, HEY.

- WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

- UH, NOTHING.

- I DON'T REALLY LIKE HER.

- OKAY.

[heavy funky music]

- YEAH, THIS IS BULLSHIT.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO LEAVE.

- JORDAN, RIGHT?

- YEAH.

WHO ARE YOU?

- YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND.

- HUH?

- YOU WANT A ROLE

IN THIS MOVIE, RIGHT?

- MAYBE.

- WELL, IT'S

THE HOTTEST GIRL PART.

- OKAY.

- CHASE MISSES YOU.

HE HAD THEM CREATE

YOUR CHARACTER.

MEET HIM BY THE HOT TUB

IN FIVE MINUTES.

HE'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

- JUST CAST ME

IN YOUR DAMN MOVIE.

- THERE ISN'T A ROLE FOR YOU.

- THEN CREATE ONE.

- I CAN'T.

- WHY NOT?

YOU'RE THE DIRECTOR.

- THE STORY DOESN'T CALL FOR IT.

- OH, THE STORY?

TELL IT TO ME.

- WELL, IT'S COMPLICATED.

- WELL, TELL ME.

- NO.

- THEN I'LL DO IT.

- DON'T.

- I WILL.

I'LL TELL EVERYONE.

- YOU WOULDN'T.

- OH, I WOULD.

YOU KNOW I WOULD.

- NO!

- I WILL TELL EVERYONE

THAT YOU LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC.

- FITS YOU GOOD.

- [chuckles]

- YOU JUST GOT TO PU THE COLLAR DOWN, THOUGH.

DO YOU WANT A BUTTON?

[laughs]

- HEY.

WHAT'S WRONG?

- NOTHING.

- ROSS, I CAN TELL

YOU'RE UPSET.

YOU CAN TALK TO ME.

- FINE.

IT'S AUSTIN.

HE'S OBVIOUSLY

NOT INTO KIMMY.

HE'S INTO MY GIRL, ALEX.

- OUCH.

THAT HURTS.

- I THOUGHT SHE WAS

REALLY DIGGING ME TOO.

- WELL, THEN GO OVER THERE,

AND TELL AUSTIN TO BACK OFF.

- OH, I CAN'T.

- WHY?

'CAUSE YOU'RE A NICE GUY?

- WELL, APPARENTLY.

- EXACTLY.

GO OVER THERE, AND BE A MAN.

US GIRLS, WE LIKE A GUY

WHO GETS WHAT HE WANTS.

[fast-paced electronic music]

- WHAT THE F***, CHASE?

- NO.

JORDAN.

JORDAN!

- EVERYBODY, I WOULD LIKE

TO INTRODUCE YOU

TO OUR NEWEST CAST MEMBER,

CALVIN.

- UM, WHAT?

- NOW I'M GOING HOME.

- AUSTIN, CAN I TALK TO YOU?

STAY AWAY FROM HER.

- WHAT?

- STOP FLIRTING WITH ALEX.

- [laughs]

I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, BROSKI.

- I'M NOT YOUR BROSKI, BROSKI.

- NO, I DON'T THINK

WE HAVE INSURANCE.

- WHAT?

NO!

ROSS, STOP!

- GUYS!

GUYS!

STOP IT!

- F*** YEAH!

POOL PARTY!

COME ON!

- AND YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT

WELL, I'M A SINGLE MAN

AND SHOW ME:

HOW YOU SUCK IT TONIGHT

- WHY THE F*** NOT?

[laughter]

[all squealing]

- REMEMBER WHEN I SAID...

[laughter]

EPIC?

- HEY, CAMERAMAN.

DON'T BE SUCH A NERD.

- HUH?

- GET YOUR ASS IN HERE.

- OKAY.

[upbeat electronic music]

- WHOO-HOO!

[all shouting]

- I'VE GOT A GOOD FEELING

ABOUT THIS.

- HEY, JUSTIN.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD

TURN THAT THING OFF.

- IT COULD GO ALL THE WAY!

- WHAT THE HELL

ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

- THEY WANTED TO SHOW EVERYONE

HOW YOU WOKE UP ALONE.

- YES, LAST NIGHT'S

KICKOFF PARTY WAS THE BEST EVER.

NO, SUMMER AND I

DIDN'T HAVE SEX, BUT...

SHE TOUCHED IT.

- DID SHE MAKE YOU CUM?

- NOT EXACTLY.

- THEN IT WASN' A REAL HAND JOB.

- SHE WORKED I LIKE SHE WAS GETTING PAID.

- SHE DID GET AN ACTING JOB

OUT OF IT...

OR SO SHE THINKS.

- SO NOW WHAT?

- WAS GONNA ASK YOU

THE SAME THING.

- DID TRENT REALLY QUIT?

- YEAH, BUT HE'S BEEN REPLACED

WITH CALVIN,

SO WE'RE ALL GOOD.

- LONG LIVE THE FAKE MOVIE.

- WHAT ABOUT JORDAN?

- SHE WON'T RETURN MY CALLS.

- ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

BUT I'M GONNA NEED

A FAVOR FROM YOU.

- WHAT FAVOR?

- I'M GONNA NEED YOU

TO CALL YOUR BUDDY BELLAGIO.

WE'RE GONNA NEED

A HOTSHOT PHOTOGRAPHER ASAP

FOR THE POSTER SHOOT.

[camera shutter clicking]

- I NEED YOU TO ADD MORE LIGHTS.

NOT LINES, LIGHTS.

PERSONAL ASSISTANT.

- YOU KNOW I WOULD

GET OU WITH A LOT OF THE WORLD

[upbeat rock music]

I GOT A STORY:

THAT I KNOW YOU WILL LOVE

OH, OH, OH-OH WHOA

SO HERE WE GO:

LIKE A SHOW:

I'MA BLOW YOU AWAY

WITH MY AMERICAN LIE

ANYTHING CAN BE BOUGH

NOTHING'S OUT OF LINE

IT'S MY AMERICAN

- I'M HERE.

NORMALLY I DON'T DO

POSTER SHOOTS,

ESPECIALLY SOMETHING

SO "B" HORROR AND LOW-BUDGET.

- IS THERE SOMETHING

IN MY TOOTH?

- YEAH, RIGHT THERE.

RIGHT THERE.

- BUT CHASE AND I

GO BACK A LONG WAY,

AND HE DID PROMISE ME

AN 8 BALL.

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