Casual Sex? Page #3

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[ Emcee ]

Come on! Find him! Good!

Stacy, I see my guy.

He's gorgeous.

Ecuador. Ecuador.

Ecuador!

Hello.

I'm Matthew.

Melissa.

So.

So.

You know what

I'm noticing?

How significant

a first encounter is.

Every word forms

an irreversible impression.

Yeah. You look really good

in that hat.

Let's talk.

What's your name again?

Melissa.

Melissa.

Excuse me. Hi.

Could you do me

a little tiny favor?

You see, the guy

I got matched up with,

I know him already.

I was kinda hopin' to meet

someone new. So, would you

mind just trading with me?

I think we should just

stick to the rules.

Listen, nobody is even

gonna know about this.

All right?

This guy is so worth it.

I mean, ooh!

What's he like?

Oh, total class.

Way cool.

You gotta meet him.

You'll drop dead.

[ Sighs ]

I don't think so. I'm s--

Please? As a personal

little favor for me.

I'm telling you.

You're gonna be thanking me.

[ Sighs ]

Okay.

Great.

You know what Dutch men

are like too, don't you?

Real handsome

and virile and big.

Hey! Stacy! Holland.

Do you f***in' believe that?

Mm-hmm. I can.

[ Grunting ]

Can I ask you

a personal question?

Sure.

What do you think

of this body, huh?

Well, you're real muscular, and

I'm sure some women like that.

Oh, they do.

I mean, this body is meant

to be enjoyed by people,

you know?

I could trash it, but no,

I choose to beautify it

like Central Park.

Great. Just stay away

from it at night.

Oh, come on, baby.

Be brave.

Let's take

a little carriage ride

through the park, huh?

No, thanks.

I've already seen it.

No. Not all of it.

Not that giant new monument

goin' up, baby. Oh.

I'm concerned about

this penis size thing.

I wanna know how men feel.

Is it really such a big deal

with you guys?

Like, do you obsess about it?

Do you measure it and compare it

to the penis next to yours

in the men's room?

Do you secretly wish

there was some sort of

penis development cream...

or machine at the gym?

Gary told me

they're all the same size

when they're erect.

[ Exhales ]

So, anyway,

like I was sayin',

I'm driving this rich couple

around in my limo, right?

Then, get this.

Mr. Big Bucks waves a couple 20s

in front of my face,

says he wants me

to get it on with his wife

while he watches, right?

You know what

I'm talkin' about,

right, snapper head?

Yeah, good.

Anyway, next thing you know,

bada-bing, bada-bang.

The lady climbs

over the front seat,

hops on the armrest...

and starts beggin' me

to rip off her gown.

She's gettin' all hot,

naturally, and he is too...

from all this heavy breathin'

I hear in the backseat.

He's yellin',

"Nail her, nail her!"

[ Chuckles ]

I look in the rearview.

The guy's havin' some kind

of asthma attack.

Turns out he's yellin',

"Inhaler, inhaler!"

So we gotta do a little

detour over to St. Vincent's.

They get out.

I don't see no money

and worst of all,

the Vin Man's left with

a very frustrated Mr. Peabody.

[ Bites Nails, Spits ]

I only hope that woman

is resilient enough to overcome

her unfulfilled desires for you.

You know, Matthew's

a psychologist.

I just love therapy.

I think everyone

should be in therapy.

That would be good for me.

Actually,

I'm here to do research

for a book I'm writing...

on the psychosexual tendencies

of premenopausal females.

Yeah, me too.

Vinny, look, you don't have

to walk me all the way there.

It's okay.

Oh, no. No, no.

I'm your date.

You're my responsibility.

Safety. There are a lot

of creeps around here.

You don't know that.

All right, Vinny.

Thanks. Bye.

Hey, that's nice carpet

you got in there.

Is that new?

Vinny, that's it.

The date's over.

Vinny, look,

you've been all over me

for the past three hours.

I think

I've been pretty tolerant...

because it seems like

there's a very funny,

appealing guy in there.

Somewhere.

Good night.

Maybe I'll come in.

We'll talk about it.

That's a valid point.

Bye.

Yeah, I mean, uh--

[ Sighs ]

Maybe we'll do it

again some time, huh?

Yeah. I gotta go anyway.

Really. No, Stacy.

Stacy, don't beg.

It don't look good on you.

Really, another time.

Please, please, please.

I mean, I realize--

I'm the best

from the East

I'm a wild crazy beast

I'm the Vin Man

Please, honey.

Not tonight.

[ Sighs ]

[ Karate Yell ]

[ Vinny Grunting ]

That's a boy.

Here you go.

[ Screams ]

[ Instructor ]

97, 98, 99--

[ Man ] Keep goin'!

Ooh!

It's horrible.

It's not that bad, Melissa.

Yes, it is.

I feel like

a windshield

wiper.

[ Groans ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Giggling ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Panting ]

[ Groans ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Stacy ]

Melissa,

there's your boyfriend.

[ Gasps ]

[ Laughs ]

We gotta do it.

Let's go.

[ Whimpers ]

[ Scoffs ]

I can't.

I can't either,

but we have to.

Come on.

You havin' fun?

Yes.

This is the most perfect date

I've ever been on.

Stacy, how are you?

Jim Farrell.

We went to the prom together.

I took Stacy's virginity.

How about that?

Nick, get me

outta here.

No, wait.

I wanna thank you.

'Cause of all the help you

gave me with my trig homework,

I got accepted to M.I.T.

I'm not

an underachiever anymore.

Congratulations.

Thanks. Yeah.

How have

you been?

Fine.

I've missed you.

You've changed

my life, you know.

After being with you, I had

the courage to sit down...

and write a Pulitzer Prize

winning novel.

You might just recognize

the heroine.

- Who are you?

- Kenny Kreiger.

Don't you remember?

[ Scoffs ]

You touched it.

Thanks so much

for doing that,

by the way.

I bragged to everyone

at school about it.

Now I'm so popular,

I'm running for

class president.

[ Groans ]

Psst. Psst. Psst.

Stacy. Stacy,

remember me?

Mike Sullivan--

The guy that never

called you back.

Well, I've been paying for

that mistake every day since.

I'm a complete failure.

I can't hold a steady job.

I had to move back in

with my parents.

I'd call you now,

but they won't let me

use the phone.

They just

won't let me use--

I'll always

call you back.

You have nothing

to worry about with me.

Nothing?

Nothing.

And you'll be starting

a clean slate.

[ Moans ]

Even though

I'm incredibly sexy,

I have never...

been to bed

with anyone...

in my entire life.

Oh, my God.

[ Man ]

Do you, Melissa,

take Gary to be

your lawfully wedded husband,

to honor and cherish

from this day forth,

as long as

you both may live?

[ Melissa ] I do.

Gary, do you take

Melissa to be your

lawful wedded wife,

to honor and cherish from

this day forth for as long

as you both may live?

I do.

[ Man ]

Stop!

Melissa, you don't

have to marry him.

I'll marry you.

- I'll marry you.

- I'll marry you, Melissa.

Who are you?

You don't know me.

But your parents do,

and they love me.

- Melissa.

- I love you, Melissa.

Melissa, I love you.

I'll marry you.

Melissa, I love you.

You can trust me.

I love you, Melissa.

[ Men ]

I love you, Melissa.

I'll marry you.

It was the weirdest dream.

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