Casual Sex? Page #5

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feel better.

[ Sighs ]

It's good stuff,

huh?

Ahh.

It's good, see.

We'll have

our own party.

Okay?

Just me and you.

What kind of a party?

Um-- All right,

this is what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna tell you a joke,

a funny joke,

a joke you're gonna like.

What happens--

You laugh, you gotta

take a shot of this.

If you don't laugh,

I gotta take a shot.

Okay.

All right,

here's the joke.

All right, there's

this old guy, right?

He's like 80 years old,

maybe 81.

It doesn't matter after 30.

You know what I'm sayin'?

So anyway,

this guy says, uh,

he wants one last night...

of really havin'

a good time, you know.

So he goes out,

he hops a few bars,

meets this bimbo, right?

Bada-bing, bada-bang.

They're goin' at it

all night long.

She was young,

like 19 years old.

I'm surprised the guy

even lived through that,

right?

What's the funny part?

I'm gettin' to that.

I'm gettin'

to the funny part,

all right?

Don't put me

under pressure here.

So now what happens,

the guy goes to confession

a few days later, right?

So he's tellin'

the priest everything,

like play-by-play,

what happened

that night.

So the priest says,

"Say 20 Hail Marys,

and you'll get forgiveness."

So the guy tells the priest,

"I ain't even Catholic."

So the priest says to him,

"Then why are you tellin' me

this whole story?"

He goes,

"I'm not just tellin' you.

I'm tellin' everybody."

[ Giggles ] You see

what I'm sayin' to you?

[ Chuckles ]

I don't get it.

Well, they're not

all golden, honey,

you know?

What about you?

You got a joke?

Uh, this is one that

the kids at school told me.

Why did the chicken go

halfway across the street?

Why?

He wanted

to lay it on the line.

You're not laughing.

Oh, not yet.

Not yet.

Inside, it's building.

It's building.

About a half hour from now

I'll be rollin'

all over the beach.

You won't

be able to stop me.

I'll be in hysterics.

[ Giggling ]

Wait. I get one, to be fair.

Okay.

All right.

I tell you what.

You like charades?

You like charades?

All right.

All right, um--

What is this?

It's a movie, right?

Nick, I think we should

talk about something,

but it's no big deal.

What?

Well, it's

kinda hard to say.

Well, then, whisper it.

It's been a long time

for me, and the thing is,

I feel like I should

ask you questions,

but I don't want

to interrogate you.

Medical history questions?

Yes.

You have to be so careful,

and you don't know

who anybody's been with.

I'm not saying anything

about you, but I--

I know. Shh.

Don't worry.

I'll take care of it.

This is a miracle.

For once,

it's all up to him.

No tubes, no jellies,

no furtive trip

to the bathroom.

I can just sit back

and let it happen.

I don't have

to do anything.

I'm not too good

with these things.

You think you

can give me a hand

putting it on?

Sure.

[ Man ] The good news

is that your Blue Cross

will cover this visit.

The bad news is

that you have herpes

simplex one and two,

trichomonas, gonorrhea,

acute immune deficiency

syndrome-related complex,

vulvar lesions,

secondary syphilis,

venereal warts...

and a potentially

unbearable case

of the crabs.

But he was only

the third guy in my life,

and the first one

didn't count.

No, all contact counts.

But I thought

I had safe sex.

Oh, no sex is safe enough

for you, Melissa.

Well, enjoy the rest

of your vacation.

[ Melissa Screams ]

[ Ducks Quacking ]

[ Groans ]

We must've

fallen asleep.

[ Both Groan ]

Oh, I wish

I were dead.

[ Heaving ]

[ Heaving Continues ]

I'll be all right.

Cigarette, honey?

No.

[ Lighter Flicks ]

Uh--

Where you goin'?

I'm going back to my room

to take a shower.

Hey, don't worry

about it.

You know, uh,

we'll do it again

some time.

[ Sighs ]

Chicks.

I'm the best from the East

I'm a wild, crazy beast

I'm the Vin Man

[ Chuckles ]

[ Nick ]

That was the most intense

it's ever been for me.

I feel like I died

for a second.

[ Stacy ]

Me too.

But it wasn't like dying.

It was more like sinking.

[ Sighs ]

[ Nick ]

It was like flying.

Yeah, flying.

[ Nick ]

Not just flying,

but actually hurtling

through outer space,

galaxy after galaxy.

Sorry. I can't get

a cab here in time.

You won't be able

to make the 8:
00 bus.

Oh, yes, I will.

Well, there's

another one at 2:00.

No, I can't stay here

any longer.

Will you please see

that Stacy Hunter gets that?

Melissa, you're not

leaving us, are you?

Melissa, seeking escape

from a challenging

environment...

points to potentially

very serious

personality deficits.

You really ought

to consider analysis.

[ Grunts ]

[ Melissa ]

A**hole.

[ Spits, Coughing ]

Hop in the back, honey.

Thanks.

Thanks.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Can I make

the bus to L.A.?

Just missed it.

[ Exhales ]

Damn it.

[ Exhales ]

Next one leaves

at 2:
00.

Okay.

I'll take one

for the 2:
00.

Excuse me.

Melissa told me

to give you this.

Thanks.

Thank you.

What is it?

[ Sighs ]

Melissa

went back to L.A.

All my fault.

I gotta go home.

You're just gonna leave?

I have to.

She doesn't have

anybody else.

Come on. Stacy!

Stacy.

I wanna go with you.

Well, I'd love that,

but what about

your classes?

I'll get someone

to cover for me.

[ Laughing ]

I'm gonna go with ya.

[ Woman Crying ]

[ Crying Continues ]

I lied.

I was extremely

attracted to you.

I just didn't want you

to see my unusually small penis.

Wait.

Melissa, you're alive!

Jamie, I am.

Kiss me.

Jamie.

Kiss me.

Jamie.

Jamie.

Jamie.

Jamie.

Jamie. You're here.

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to make sure

you were all right.

I guess I better pack

Melissa's stuff too, huh?

I hope she's okay.

You know,

I've been thinkin', Stacy.

Yeah?

I might wanna stay

in L.A. for a while.

But you'll lose your job.

Yeah, well, maybe that's

not such a bad thing.

I mean, L.A.'s where all

the music people are, right?

Yeah.

I could

give it a shot.

You should.

You're so good.

[ Mutters ]

And you could stay

at my place.

Really?

- [ Sighs ]

- Do you really

have to go home?

I don't know.

I just feel so left out

at that place.

But if I go home,

then it's like I just gave up.

Besides, what if my body starts

to crave that mineral water?

[ Brakes Squeaking ]

Can we have two tickets, please?

Yeah. We're going

to Hollywood.

- Why don't you just put it

on your credit card?

- I don't have one.

- Really?

- [ Laughs ]

Yeah.

I don't believe in 'em.

Oh.

Well, look, just put 'em both

on my credit card, and you can

write me a check later.

No checking account.

Oh. Well--

Besides, I've got more

in my wallet.

[ Nick ]

Goin' to Hollywood.

Feel it, feel it

[ Continues ]

Jamie,

I am so glad you're back.

You gotta take over Nick's

aerobics classes for me.

Why? Where's Nick?

He eloped with Stacy back

to L.A. God, it was beautiful.

What?

Jamie, please.

I tried teaching

one of the classes myself.

I almost passed out.

It was really embarrassing.

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