Cavemen Page #6

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transforming him into a

classically tragic figure.

What do you think about that?

What do you think about this?

Don't take it personally

that your writing's sh*t.

I thought the beginning

was all right.

F*** you.

You sure you're ready to do this?

I've been ready for two weeks.

We've only been dating for three.

I know. I know and trust me,

I, I want to do it so badly,

but everything will

change, you know?

- It's just that...

- It's sex, Dean.

We're adults.

Look, I like you and I want to be with you.

I don't see why things should change.

You like me?

Yeah. I do.

Well, then I think we

should probably wait.

You know, fine. Whatever.

You ruined the moment anyways.

Up to this point, she's in the moment

and I am definitely in the moment.

You know, this is

Romeo and Juliet.

That's pretty challenging material,

so I am prepared for the worst.

Drunk all and left no friendly

drop to help me after.

I will kiss thy lips.

Haply some poison yet

doth hang on them.

And she starts kissing me.

But I mean,

for like a prolonged

period of time.

I mean, like this chick

is really enjoying it.

Or maybe she was just

trying to get the poison?

Yeah, out of my kidneys, maybe?

I look to the first watchmen

and I'm like, telepathically

just begging him to say his line.

Lead, boy! Which way?

Which he does, thank God.

Yea, noise?

Then I'll be brief.

Except for this chick doesn't

know what her last line is.

So we're just sitting there.

In silence.

I realize, f***, I'm gonna have

to tell this girl her next line.

O happy dagger.

Luckily, she figures out

what I'm trying to say.

She grabs the dagger and

says, O happy dagger!

This is my sheath;

there rust, and let me die.

Stabs herself and collapses

on top of me. Dead.

Thank God.

I would have, except for

while she's on top of me,

she suddenly starts

reaching for my dagger?

Yeah, she's like giving me

the covert rub and tug

and I'm like please end

this f***ing play.

But as it continues, I hear

the audience start to laugh.

I'm like, what the f***

are they laughing at?

Why don't you tell them the

one about the Indian girl?

What?

Come on. The alley.

The rooftop. The hard candy.

You remember? Or what about

the post office story?

You know, the time you got the

two stamps from that girl

you banged or what about the

twins that you hooked up

What? I'm just saying.

What's the big deal?

So you got a blow job

from some indian chick.

Okay, you know what?

Excuse me.

What the f*** is your problem?

Wait a minute. Wait. Wait,

now who got a blow job?

Tess, would you wait a second?

Why, Dean? What the hell

was that back there?

I don't know. I just...

You just what?

Do you have nothing to say to me?

Nothing?

Whatcha working on?

Uh, just tossing

around a new idea.

Feel like tossing me around?

Yeah, yeah you do.

Okay, so now that

you've met all three

of your potential grooms,

it's time to make

the biggest decision of your life.

So will it be groom one?

The former Olympian.

Or will it be groom two?

The multi-millionaire.

Or will it be groom three.

The self proclaimed geek

with thinning hair.

Well, I've given it

some actual thought

and I would like to spend the rest

of my life with groom number three.

- No way!

- Holy sh*t!

Why'd she pick the dork?

Guy's a f***ing toolbox.

These, ah, these parts, is...

where's this thing?

Ah, these talks with the

subway conductor were,

- I found...

- Weird, I know.

Inspired, I thought.

This is good stuff.

Stuff with the hair

and the business

with the roommates is funny.

I think you have a good solid

understanding of the craft.

You got a style. A voice.

I like that.

It's a voice I'm interested in.

It's a voice that

almost rings true.

What do you mean?

Well, this is supposed to

be a story about a guy

who falls in love, right?

Jiminy crickets! If I'm

gonna drop my twelve bucks

on a ticket, I should get,

I mean, I deserve to at least

see him fall in love, no?

Well, uh, yeah, it's... you do.

It's in there.

Oh, I must have missed that.

It's... yeah, it's subtle.

Why don't you point it out for me?

Give me a call when

you find it, kid.

F***!

Next stop:
Union Station.

Look, I love her, Pete. I do.

But she's making you

miserable, my friend.

I know.

Maybe it's time for someone new.

Yeah, I hear ya.

Hey. We should have

a party this weekend.

Last party in The Cave.

Huh? Come on, man.

What do you say?

And do I invite Beth?

Invite Beth.

By all means, invite Beth.

Have a good time with

her if possible,

but just do me a favor, okay?

Take a look around and

see if anything sparks

your interest, you know?

Hey.

Hey I can't quite exactly

tell you what I was thinking

and I know you think

I sold you out

and I'm not worth a sh*t.

And you know what?

You're probably right

in thinking that.

I just came here to let

you know that I know

I was wrong and I'm sorry.

I really am.

And I guess that's

all I had to say.

You up for a party?

One last hurrah in The Cave?

Hug me.

What's wrong?

I look like hell.

- Hey, beauty.

- Hi.

You know anybody here?

Nope.

Wanna dance?

Yes, please.

Baby.

You guys look so great together.

Thank you.

Um, almost two years.

It's so weird how quickly it

all goes by. Right baby?

- So weird. Yeah.

- Yeah.

Flies by.

I'm sorry. I always do this.

You know my, my therapist,

she says that, uh...

large social gatherings

bring out my insecurities

or something crazy like that.

Oh, you're in therapy?

Yeah, is that a problem?

Oh no. I just had no idea

you were in therapy.

Can you stop saying it like that?

Like what?

Like all judgey?

Who's judgey?

I'm not judgey.

You totally are.

I can see it in your eyes.

No, I'm not.

You are!

Maybe you should get

some therapy to deal

with your insecurity

about being in therapy?

Hmm, maybe you should

f*** yourself.

Excuse me?

Baby, I'm sorry.

That, oh, that wasn't me.

I'm so sorry. Come here,

please. I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's fine.

What was that?

Just a pill.

For our anniversary, we were

thinking Cabo or maybe Hawaii.

It really doesn't matter

as long as it's tropical.

And he can golf.

Love golf.

Where are you going?

Uh, I was just going

to let you rest.

But I don't need rest.

And we can start the whole

night over. Okay?

We'll do anything you want.

Can we leave?

Sure.

What? Oh my God!

That's so wonderful!

Isn't that great, baby?

Congratulations.

Sh*t.

Beth! Beth!

Andre!

Anna?

Who's this?

Uh, his girl.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Anna. His girl.

Anna! Anna! Wait!

Sh*t, wait!

Hey, you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm gonna go grab a drink.

Okay?

And when I get back, just...

Okay?

I'm sorry.

E.

I gotta go.

Yeah, so do I.

Hey, you ready?

Are you?

Yeah, let's roll.

All right.

Huh. Where're they going?

I don't know where they're going.

Let's go.

Let's go. Come on.

Uh...

Did I, uh, did I ever tell you

about the time in college

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