Cavemen Page #6
transforming him into a
classically tragic figure.
Don't take it personally
that your writing's sh*t.
I thought the beginning
was all right.
F*** you.
You sure you're ready to do this?
I've been ready for two weeks.
We've only been dating for three.
I know. I know and trust me,
I, I want to do it so badly,
but everything will
change, you know?
- It's just that...
- It's sex, Dean.
We're adults.
Look, I like you and I want to be with you.
I don't see why things should change.
You like me?
Yeah. I do.
Well, then I think we
should probably wait.
You know, fine. Whatever.
You ruined the moment anyways.
Up to this point, she's in the moment
and I am definitely in the moment.
You know, this is
Romeo and Juliet.
That's pretty challenging material,
so I am prepared for the worst.
Drunk all and left no friendly
drop to help me after.
I will kiss thy lips.
Haply some poison yet
doth hang on them.
And she starts kissing me.
But I mean,
for like a prolonged
period of time.
I mean, like this chick
is really enjoying it.
Or maybe she was just
trying to get the poison?
Yeah, out of my kidneys, maybe?
I look to the first watchmen
and I'm like, telepathically
just begging him to say his line.
Lead, boy! Which way?
Which he does, thank God.
Yea, noise?
Then I'll be brief.
Except for this chick doesn't
know what her last line is.
So we're just sitting there.
In silence.
I realize, f***, I'm gonna have
to tell this girl her next line.
O happy dagger.
Luckily, she figures out
what I'm trying to say.
says, O happy dagger!
This is my sheath;
there rust, and let me die.
Stabs herself and collapses
on top of me. Dead.
Thank God.
while she's on top of me,
she suddenly starts
reaching for my dagger?
Yeah, she's like giving me
the covert rub and tug
and I'm like please end
this f***ing play.
But as it continues, I hear
the audience start to laugh.
I'm like, what the f***
are they laughing at?
Why don't you tell them the
What?
Come on. The alley.
The rooftop. The hard candy.
You remember? Or what about
the post office story?
You know, the time you got the
two stamps from that girl
twins that you hooked up
What? I'm just saying.
What's the big deal?
So you got a blow job
from some indian chick.
Okay, you know what?
Excuse me.
What the f*** is your problem?
Wait a minute. Wait. Wait,
now who got a blow job?
Tess, would you wait a second?
Why, Dean? What the hell
was that back there?
I don't know. I just...
You just what?
Do you have nothing to say to me?
Nothing?
Whatcha working on?
Uh, just tossing
around a new idea.
Feel like tossing me around?
Yeah, yeah you do.
Okay, so now that
you've met all three
of your potential grooms,
it's time to make
the biggest decision of your life.
So will it be groom one?
The former Olympian.
Or will it be groom two?
The multi-millionaire.
Or will it be groom three.
The self proclaimed geek
with thinning hair.
Well, I've given it
some actual thought
and I would like to spend the rest
of my life with groom number three.
- No way!
- Holy sh*t!
Why'd she pick the dork?
Guy's a f***ing toolbox.
These, ah, these parts, is...
where's this thing?
Ah, these talks with the
subway conductor were,
- I found...
- Weird, I know.
Inspired, I thought.
This is good stuff.
Stuff with the hair
and the business
with the roommates is funny.
I think you have a good solid
understanding of the craft.
You got a style. A voice.
I like that.
It's a voice I'm interested in.
It's a voice that
almost rings true.
What do you mean?
Well, this is supposed to
be a story about a guy
who falls in love, right?
Jiminy crickets! If I'm
gonna drop my twelve bucks
on a ticket, I should get,
I mean, I deserve to at least
see him fall in love, no?
Well, uh, yeah, it's... you do.
It's in there.
Oh, I must have missed that.
It's... yeah, it's subtle.
Why don't you point it out for me?
Give me a call when
you find it, kid.
F***!
Next stop:
Union Station.Look, I love her, Pete. I do.
But she's making you
miserable, my friend.
I know.
Maybe it's time for someone new.
Yeah, I hear ya.
Hey. We should have
a party this weekend.
Last party in The Cave.
Huh? Come on, man.
What do you say?
And do I invite Beth?
Invite Beth.
By all means, invite Beth.
Have a good time with
her if possible,
but just do me a favor, okay?
Take a look around and
see if anything sparks
your interest, you know?
Hey.
Hey I can't quite exactly
tell you what I was thinking
and I know you think
I sold you out
and I'm not worth a sh*t.
And you know what?
You're probably right
in thinking that.
I just came here to let
you know that I know
I was wrong and I'm sorry.
I really am.
And I guess that's
all I had to say.
You up for a party?
One last hurrah in The Cave?
Hug me.
What's wrong?
I look like hell.
- Hey, beauty.
- Hi.
You know anybody here?
Nope.
Wanna dance?
Yes, please.
Baby.
You guys look so great together.
Thank you.
Um, almost two years.
all goes by. Right baby?
- So weird. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Flies by.
I'm sorry. I always do this.
You know my, my therapist,
she says that, uh...
large social gatherings
bring out my insecurities
or something crazy like that.
Oh, you're in therapy?
Yeah, is that a problem?
Oh no. I just had no idea
you were in therapy.
Can you stop saying it like that?
Like what?
Like all judgey?
Who's judgey?
I'm not judgey.
You totally are.
I can see it in your eyes.
No, I'm not.
You are!
Maybe you should get
some therapy to deal
with your insecurity
about being in therapy?
Hmm, maybe you should
f*** yourself.
Excuse me?
Baby, I'm sorry.
That, oh, that wasn't me.
I'm so sorry. Come here,
please. I'm sorry.
It's okay. It's fine.
What was that?
Just a pill.
For our anniversary, we were
thinking Cabo or maybe Hawaii.
It really doesn't matter
as long as it's tropical.
And he can golf.
Love golf.
Where are you going?
Uh, I was just going
to let you rest.
But I don't need rest.
And we can start the whole
night over. Okay?
We'll do anything you want.
Can we leave?
Sure.
What? Oh my God!
That's so wonderful!
Isn't that great, baby?
Congratulations.
Sh*t.
Beth! Beth!
Andre!
Anna?
Who's this?
Uh, his girl.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Anna. His girl.
Anna! Anna! Wait!
Sh*t, wait!
Hey, you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm gonna go grab a drink.
Okay?
And when I get back, just...
Okay?
I'm sorry.
E.
I gotta go.
Yeah, so do I.
Hey, you ready?
Are you?
Yeah, let's roll.
All right.
Huh. Where're they going?
I don't know where they're going.
Let's go.
Let's go. Come on.
Uh...
Did I, uh, did I ever tell you
about the time in college
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"Cavemen" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 23 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/cavemen_5225>.
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