Ceremony Page #6

Esme?

I don't really know

that much about her.

No, I mean Zoe and Whit.

Why do you think she's with him?

Oh. I bet it has something to do

with her father.

My therapist says that a lot of things

have to do with your father.

Marshall, you're so goddamn intuitive.

I'm sure it has something to do

with her being an orphan.

I mean, it's probably damaged

her judgment in some way.

And also, she just seems

like the type of girl

who, you know,

likes to be taken care of,

and Whit clearly does that.

He's a really good-looking guy,

successful, tall.

- Really?

- Yeah.

What, you think he's handsome?

Yeah.

Marshall, your penis

looks tremendous right now.

What?

You have a tremendous penis,

Marshall!

Hello?

Hi.

Um...

I couldn't sleep.

I need you to take a bath.

There's no hot water.

Hey. Pretend like

it's a swimming pool.

Take the cheese plate.

- Hey.

- Hi.

Wasn't really expecting company.

The place is a bit of a pigsty.

Marshall is a bit of a slob.

Is he gonna be okay in there?

Yeah, he's fine.

Marshall loves baths.

He's my little son.

He's my sidekick.

He was having

a hard time with Esme.

Really?

He was telling her something

about how he got pistol-whipped.

Yeah.

I am staying in my sleeping bag,

so don't get any ideas.

You and Margaret

seemed to really hit it off.

Hmm? How'd it work out

for the two of you?

She was very responsive.

Oh. Well, she better be.

She's had a lot of practice.

Yeah, she knew what she was doing.

You sound awfully jealous

for a woman

who's about to get married.

What's the deal, man?

What's that?

Is this a new one?

Why didn't you send it to me?

Because I'm still workshopping it.

"Chloe the Mermaid," huh?

I can give you a brief synopsis

if you'd like.

Would you like that?

- I would.

- Okay.

Well, it's about

a young deep-sea diver

who's, uh, searching for pearls

on the bottom of the ocean floor.

Anyway, our hero falls in love

with this mermaid

who is involved in a fraudulent,

vapid relationship

with a megalomaniacal,

arguably gay merman...

you know, complete sociopath.

The diver has to battle the merman

for the mermaid's heart.

And, uh, there's a big fight scene

at the end.

Not really sure how it all works out.

It's better than the one

about the flying koala bear.

Yeah.

That's one of my worst ones.

What do you got there?

What's with the legal pad and pencil?

Well, they're supposed to be my vows,

but they're all blank.

I have to write them,

but I'm having some trouble.

Uh-huh.

I kind of need a writer's opinion.

Did you come all the way in here

for me to work on your vows?

Can you?

Where do we start?

That's where you come in.

Wow. You're making

a real dent, I see.

Okay. Well, um...

I don't know.

What... what do you like about him?

Well, he's certainly not afraid

to be himself. That's for sure.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I can see that.

For sure.

Okay. Let's write that down.

He makes me feel safe and secure.

Mm-hmm.

Takes care of me.

- He's handsome...

- Okay.

- Successful.

- Okay.

This is all great, by the way.

What else?

He's very strong-willed.

Strong-willed... good word.

These are really good.

I mean, not afraid

to be himself... clearly.

I mean, anybody who dances like that

can't possibly be self-conscious.

Just completely uninhibited.

I've never seen a man

dance like that before...

without him being a woman.

This is not gonna help.

All right, maybe not right

for the vows.

I'm just trying to be objective here.

And, I mean, honestly,

as far as being safe and secure, look.

How can you not feel safe and secure

with a guy like that?

I mean, he's probably

the only man in history

to wear a turtleneck in Africa.

I like it.

Oh, it's too hot in here for this.

And as far as being strong-willed

goes, that's great for you,

because you could just turn off

for the next 50 years,

like a little robot...

be taken care of.

Isn't that what you want?

Now you're just being an ass, Sam.

Yes, I am.

I'm winning you back, goddamn it.

I missed you.

I know.

That's why I came.

I could feel it.

Just shut up.

Yeah, you know,

if you could just be gone

in the morning before I wake up,

that would make things

so much easier for me.

Well, who said I was trying

to make things easy for you?

You never stop talking, do you?

No, I don't.

Okay.

If I'm so lost without a friend

Tell me, who's this by my side?

This girl with eyes like gems...

What are you doing?

You looked so peaceful,

I was gonna let you sleep more.

Boy.

We had a crazy night,

didn't we, old sport?

Well, what happened

with Zoe last night?

What about it?

I mean, why was she in your room

instead of

with her soon-to-be husband?

You want to know the truth,

Marshall?

Yeah. I want to know the truth.

To make a long story short,

she's not sure she wants

to marry this a**hole after all.

Seriously?

Seriously.

She's saying she's thinking

about calling off

the whole frickin' wedding.

God, she's a very

complicated woman, Marshall.

Yeah, it seems that way.

Buddy, I know this is

the last thing you need.

I would not have ever come

down here in the first place

if I knew she was gonna go nuts

on me like this.

That's okay.

At least we can leave now, right?

I can't.

Why not?

Because I have to stay here

until she figures

this whole thing out.

I'm all she has.

She's all alone in the world.

You know, who's she gonna

talk to... Uncle Teddy?

In the meantime, why don't you

go take a power nap?

I'll go downstairs and have them

whip you up some eggs.

Still like your yolks cut out?

You look like a little prince

right now, by the way.

I love you.

La, la, la, la, la, la, lies

You can't repeat

what you put 'round

All the things that made me cry

Hey there.

Um, good morning.

Who would I speak to

about getting some... getting...

...maybe getting some eggs?

Um... one minute.

Oh!

I've got my girl

and together we're strong

Strong

To laugh at you

and prove you wrong

I don't insist that you feel bad

I just want to make you smile

Don't ever think you...

Morning, gang!

Is this the cool section?

Hi. Is it morning already?

Wow.

It just sneaks up on you.

You sleep at all, pal?

Perfect amount.

How about you?

No, not one bit.

I've been working on this all night.

Check it out.

It's a cock.

I know, Teddy.

How exactly do you know

this Sam character, anyway?

It all seems a bit mysterious.

I-I was in New York.

I bumped into him.

He's a writer.

He sends me his stories, and...

I give him notes.

Gives me something to do.

You totally f***ed him, didn't you?

He's a bit young, dear.

No. No, we're friends.

We're pen pals.

If you want to know how the sex is,

I think you got to ask Margaret.

Hmm?

- Shut up.

- What?

You complete old slag!

Well, come on, then, tell us.

Was he any good?

Well, if... if holding him

while he wept

because some girl

broke his heart is good, then, um...

yeah, it was great.

Best I've ever had.

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