Charlie Bartlett Page #4

We're working here. Sh*t.

-Whatever, man.

-F***.

(CHARLlE GROANlNG ON TV)

Murph, is that my face making that sound?

Yeah. It's kind of sad, dude.

You didn't even put up a fight.

What did you tape this for, anyway?

I always have my fights taped.

It's what I do.

Really?

Yeah, man, they're fun to watch in, like,

a Greatest Rodeo Deaths kind of way.

You don't feel bad

for the kids or anything?

Bad?

Kind of.

Well, what do you want me to do?

-Maybe we should make it up to them?

-Dude, are you serious?

CHARLlE:
Charlie Bartlett

Productions brings you,,,

(READlNG)

Starring Murphy Bivens!

Bert Bannister!

Hammer!

Terry Gotham!

Phuc Nguyen!

Charlie Bartlett! And Kip Crombwell,

the kid whose name

you probably didn 't know,

(LOCKER DOOR SLAMS)

(KlDS GRUNTlNG)

Right here on Western Summit High's

Greatest After School Fights!

Watch Murphy Bivens' fists of fury

pummel your best friends.

Get them while they last!

Bert Bannister hit in the face!

Charlie Bartlett punched in the eye!

Instant gratification or your money back!

Ladies and gentlemen, we are almost out!

-Hey, Charlie.

-Kip. Hey.

I heard that you were giving us

some of the proceeds?

You heard right, my friend. Murph?

There you go.

Pleasure doing business with you.

-Hey, Murph.

-Come on.

Murph.

-I'll see you in the sequel, b*tch!

-Thank you.

Sequel coming out this fall!

Ladies and gentlemen,

even better than this one!

SECRETARY:
Charlie Bartlett

to the principal's office,

So, you're the infamous Charlie Bartlett.

We haven't officially met yet.

I'm Nathan Gardner,

your beloved principal,

and this is our superintendent,

Mr. Sedgwick,

who made a special visit to meet you.

Is it safe to assume

you know why you're here?

No, not exactly.

(KlP GROANlNG)

This might well be the most disturbing

thing I've ever seen at this school.

Peddling this kind of trash

makes you reprehensible.

Do you know

what "reprehensible" means?

-Yes, sir.

-Do you understand what you did wrong?

No, sir. Not really.

Not really? Okay.

Well, you've got three days

of suspension to think about it.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, aren't you suspended?

-Yeah.

-Nice.

-CHARLlE:
Hey, do you wanna hang out?

-Sure.

-Cool. Come inside.

-(CHUCKLlNG) Thank you.

CHARLlE:
(FRENCH ACCENT) Do you want

to spend an evening at Chteau Bartlett?

SUSAN:
Yes.

CHARLlE:
Thomas, Chteau Bartlett,

please.

SUSAN:
Is this technically

considered a mansion?

Well, my mom calls it "The Estate."

Oh. La-di-da.

Oh, can you play this one?

Yeah.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

BOTH:
(SlNGlNG)

Well, ifyou want to sing out, sing out

And ifyou want to be free, be free

'Cause there's a million things to be

You know that there are

And if you want to live high, live high

And if you wanna live low, live low

You can do what you want

The opportunity's on

And if you find a new way

You can do it today

Hi, Mom.

Oh, yeah. Mom, this is Susan.

Susan, this is my mother, Marilyn.

It's such a pleasure to meet you, Susan.

Yeah, you too, Marilyn.

(CHUCKLES)

(SlLENTLY)

-She seems very nice.

-Yeah.

Do I get to meet your dad, too?

No, he's actually not with us anymore.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Yeah. It's okay.

He was a ClA agent, you know. Yeah.

He survived Somalia, Yugoslavia, lraq.

Finally, he came home, you know,

and our favorite thing to do together

was to get ice cream.

So, one day, I was just sitting around

and I heard the ice cream truck outside

and it always played the same song,

Yankee Doodle,

So, basically, he ran out

to stop the truck and it just

drove right over him

and killed him instantly.

Are you f***ing with me?

(STARTS PLAYlNG PlANO)

(lMlTATlNG ENGLlSH ACCENT)

Yankee Doodle went to town

riding on a pony

Stuck a feather in his hat

and called it macaroni

(CLAPPlNG SOFTLY)

-Bravo. Really.

-Thank you.

You're too kind.

Say, George, just one more will do.

Thanks.

-How you doing, Nate?

-Hi, Bert.

What's going on? How you been?

Good.

Listen, Nate,

do you know this Charlie Bartlett kid?

A bit. Why do you ask?

You're not gonna like it.

(MUSlC BLARlNG)

-What?

-Get off the phone.

-Hang up the phone.

-Okay.

-Thank you.

-I'll call you right back.

You're gonna shut down this power grid,

please, for one second.

Thank you.

And the TV.

Whatever.

What?

Are you seeing a boy

named Charlie Bartlett?

Well, if you know I am,

why are you asking?

I don't know, but now I do. Okay?

What does he want?

Are you drunk?

Do you expect me to qualify that

with an answer?

Be really careful right now.

I'm not kidding.

I met this kid. I was a teenage boy once...

You know what? I would understand

if you were drunk, Dad,

-because you're acting like a jackass!

-Sweetie, be open to the possibility

that he would love

to tell his friends how he...

Oh, how he what?

You know.

-No. How he what?

-Yes. You know what.

How he... With the principal's daughter.

Come on.

Sh*t.

Wow.

Thanks for the wonderful

compliment, Dad.

Come on, obviously, that came out wrong.

Sure did.

Time to get up, Charlie.

(GROANS)

I don't have to go anywhere, Mom.

I'm suspended.

I am aware of that.

Come on. Get dressed.

We're visiting your father today.

Thank you, Thomas.

Charlie?

You come in when you're ready, dear.

(DOOR CLOSES)

-Was he worried?

-Nope.

He says, whatever's going on with you,

he's sure you're going to work it out.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

(PEN TAPPlNG NERVOUSLY)

Boy, time flies.

How was your 72-hour meditation?

Pretty enlightening.

Yeah, I'm proud to say

I'm completely rehabilitated.

Very interesting resume, Charlie.

Is there a private school

you haven't been kicked out of?

-Why? You checking up on me?

-Don't flatter yourself.

Sorry.

Principals have access

to academic records.

As you know, I'm the principal,

and as principal I will do my best

to help you graduate with

what you will need to survive in the world.

But I'm not always the principal.

Sometimes I'm other things.

Really? Like what?

Like Susan's father.

Oh.

Don't worry, Charlie,

I'm not gonna call you into my office

and have one of those intimidating

father-boyfriend talks.

I'm not that kind of dad.

Well, thank you.

Because if I were one of those dads,

I'd probably say how my job

is a distant second to my daughter,

and so help me God, if you get out of line,

I will take a massive steaming dump

on your life.

(EXHALES)

Good to have you back.

(DOOR OPENlNG)

-SUSAN:
Hey, Murph.

-Hey.

-Hello.

-Hello.

So, how does this work?

Do I just talk, or... Does Murphy listen?

Well, he's bound

by a confidentiality agreement.

But he can leave if you want.

-Yeah, maybe just for this first time.

-All right.

Sorry, Murph.

Yeah, yeah, I heard you.

It's not like

I'm your f***ing business partner.

So, what did my dad want?

He just wanted to welcome me back.

He didn't say anything about me

hanging out with you?

Not really.

Maybe the way to do this

is to ask a question.

What question?

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