Cigarette Soup Page #4

It's a little worse,

i think.

What do you call that,

when you have sex

with animals?

-Beastiality.

-I've been around 'em.

I have some more questions

about dogs vaginas.

Hey, crook, where did you

get your name from?

-Just a nickname.

-All right, hold up.

"How did crook get his name?"

And then the little kids clap.

"Yay!" All right,

so, our little boy Luis,

he's a beautiful man,

a puerto rican man,

he graduates from boot camp

and some of his boys come down.

They said

they're gonna pick him up,

take him on a joy ride.

His boys get to the gate,

he runs out,

he jumps on the car.

They go driving

for a little while.

F***ing driver looks down

at the gas Gauge,

he goes "sh*t, we don't

have any f***ing gas."

So, naturally,

they pull over.

They stop.

It's hot as f***.

So Perez goes inside,

grabs a soda,

cracks that b*tch open,

and he starts drinking it.

He looks over, he sees a shelf

full of f***ing "playboys"

and "hustlers" and sh*t,

and naturally he's like,

"yeah, I wanna see

some titties."

-Naturally.

-Naturally, right?

That's not where

the story goes.

-It's not unnatural.

-It is totally normal sh*t.

And then, so he opens up

this porno mag--

let's ask lennie.

Is it natural?

It wasn't dog dick.

-It was some woman's--

-did I say dick

-or did I say vagina?

- All right, all right.

I'm telling you

a vagina's a vagina.

Shut up.

He's checking out

these f***ing titties,

and he's drinking

this soda, right?

A couple of minutes go by,

he's looking at some titties,

pretending like

he's reading some articles,

but really he's just

looking at titties,

he hears, "meep, meep."

He's like, "oh, sh*t,

i gotta roll."

So he puts the f***ing

porno mag down,

he rolls outside,

next thing he knows, boom!

F***ing gi Joe

undercover motherf***er

rolls up, slams him

against the f***ing car,

calls for motherfucking backup,

and because

this Latin, beautiful

Ricky Martin-looking

motherf***er

is not white as f***,

these motherfuckers

put his ass in jail

for the night for

motherfucking shoplifting.

I'm sorry, you tell

this story every time,

but he did steal a coke.

So, he gets back

to f***ing base

on Monday morning after

he gets bailed outta jail,

which was not f***ing cheap,

as I recall.

We all know,

word travels fast as f***.

We hop out

of our f***ing bunks.

We're just pointing, hooting,

hollering, laughing.

So we started

calling him "crook"

because he almost pulled off

the perfect crime.

-Amen, brother.

-That's right, that's right.

No one--

that's old to everyone?

-Yeah.

-You f***ing always laugh

at that sh*t.

-I did laugh.

-Inside, though.

-That was me laughing.

-I needed real

support from you.

No, that was it.

That was pretty good.

Guys, he's telling

my life story here!

It's good, I like it.

I value that.

Shh, shh.

What, man?

I farted.

That was it.

That was it.

-That was what it was.

-Anything that'll keep us warm.

It actually made it

smell better in here.

You f***ing mortar attacked.

Actually smells better

now that he farted.

Lennie, lennie's also

the authority on ass funk,

so he probably is an expert.

How does that rank

with dog vagina?

-Smellwise?

-Smellwise, yeah.

-You know, I'm not gonna--

-and gay smell.

I mean, put gay smell

in there, too.

How is a vagina gay?

I'm sorry.

You can be an expert

on more than one thing.

-Yeah, I'm sure you can.

-Don't limit yourself.

Vagina's not gay.

Just because

you didn't graduate from

f***ing junior high

does not mean you can't be

an expert on some sh*t.

I'm so f***ing hard

right now.

This is the last thing

you hear before you die.

Monti, do you know

any spirituals?

-Hey, man.

-No, we don't sing

spirituals no more.

We do a foot up your ass.

That's a f***ing hot one.

It's gotta be morning,

'cause all the guys

are picking up their sh*t

and it's at least

40 degrees warmer

than it was during

our little cuddle session.

Although I'm not fully convinced

that it's morning yet

because I didn't sleep a wink.

Ah, f*** me.

Here is the biggest jerk ever.

Julian Montgomery.

Back at camp, the guys told me

they called him private duh,

because he's such an idiot.

They'd say,

"it's not that he's not smart,

he's just a f***ing idiot."

Now I can see what they mean.

To his face though,

we call him monti.

I mean,

we're not f***ing stupid.

Nobody likes the guy.

The only reason why

they keep him around

is because he's such

a tough a**hole.

He's the bully you always

wanted on your side

whether you like

the guy or not.

The f*** you want?

I was just wondering

if I can interview you?

I hate reporters.

Because we're so cute?

No because you remind me

of chicks.

Always wanting

to f***ing talk.

What makes you think I want you

to interview me, huh?

Answer me!

-I don't know, i--

-answer me, you f***!

-Monti, chill the f*** out.

-Shut the f*** up, crook.

No, no, no, no.

I want you to get

this sh*t on the camera.

Oh, yeah.

So how's it feel, huh?

How's it feel for somebody

to invade your personal space?

Gets a little

f***ing uncomfortable,

doesn't it, huh?

Go ahead,

ask your question.

I said, ask your question,

Geraldo!

What do you miss

most about home?

I miss pretty little

b*tches like you.

-Sweet little f***ing--

-come on, man.

I'm gonna take our that eye.

You won't be shooting sh*t

-after this,

you motherf***er.

-Get off of me, man!

F*** you,

you son of a b*tch.

Monti, what the f***?

Come on! Somebody get this

f***ing guy off of me, man.

Sh*t!

Oh, sh*t!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa!

-Get off!

-Back off!

Epw check!

That's a f***ing I.E.D.

That's f***ing I.E.D.

On there.

-Defuse that f***ing thing.

-I got it.

Get down here

take a look at this.

Holy sh*t.

I don't know if you

understand English,

but understand this,

we are locked and loaded

and looking for a f***ing

reason to end you right now.

-Go easy, bro.

-All right, that's it.

Ain't got sh*t.

-You sure?

-I'm sure.

Hold on one second.

F***ing stop shaking.

Hold still.

-I got it.

-All right.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, I'm sure.

-Holy f***.

-Help me get her up

to her feet.

Help me get her up.

Okay, we'll take this off.

-She can't do that.

-Shut the f*** up right now.

Jesus Christ!

-How are we doing?

-You got it?

Moving back, moving back.

Step off. Boom.

Make sure she's clean.

Tie this b*tch up

in the back.

What the f***,

lennie, man?

Hey! What the f***

are we gonna do with her now?

F***, man! I haven't

gotten that far yet.

You're in charge,

you better figure that out.

What the f***, man?

You should have just let me

cut that b*tch.

We wouldn't even be f***ing

having this conversation.

Listen, private duh,

if we had killed her,

she would have dropped

the dead man's switch,

we'd all be dead right now,

and we would not be having

this conversation.

How are we doing back there?

She's secure.

We tied her up good.

Yeah, make sure you tie

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