City Slickers Page #4

to have sex. Men just need a place.

- Good night. I'm going to bed.

- Good night. Sleep tight.

- That was flirting.

- No. That was politeness.

That was "Have a pleasant and restly evening."

No. That was "I like your ass.

Could I wear it as a hat?"

Say, uh... Phil was telling us you

had a little trouble with Jeff and TR.

- They were giving Bonnie a hard time.

- But he took care of it.

What made it worse was,

the trail boss comes over...

Curly?

His name is Curly?

Perfect.

You know what the cook said about him?

He killed a man in a knife fight.

He said he slit him from neck to nuts.

I'm not happy about this.

This guy's a cowboy.

One of the last real men.

He's untamed.

A mustang.

We're trained ponies. It'll do us

good to be in his world a while.

- "Do us good"? He was hanging the help.

- He was helping us.

This guy is not normal. Did you see

his eyes? He's got crazy eyes.

He's a lunatic. I'm telling you, we're going into

the wilderness being led by a lunatic.

He's behind me, isn't he?

- Time to turn in.

- Good night.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean anything by that.

I crap bigger than you.

He's gonna kill me.

Watch it!

Excuse me. Whoa.

- Whoa!

- Great! You are riding so much better.

Thanks.

I just talked to, uh... Nancy.

- Who's Nancy?

- She's the, uh... the girl.

Oh, the, uh... the girl.

- She's not pregnant.

- Really?

- Well, that's good, isn't it?

- For her.

So what does it mean?

You know what I think?

Out there are all the answers.

No, Ed.

Out there...

...are cows, and plenty of 'em.

We're gonna go 200 miles

with a big, moving stink.

OK.

You guys are probably too young to

remember this, but when I was a kid...

...I remember seeing

a movie called Red River.

- Oh, I've seen it on TV.

- But not in the movie theatre.

The big screen, with John Wayne

and Montgomery Clift.

Remember the scene,

the start of the cattle drive?

- Dad...

- No, no, son. That's why we're here.

- The "yee-ha" scene?

- The "yee-ha" scene.

Before they took the cattle out, those

cowboys waved their hats in the air...

...and yelled "Yee-ha!"

- What do you say to that?

- All right! Move 'em out.

- Yee-ha!

- Yee-ha!

- Ya-hoo!

- Ya-hoo!

Ya-hoo!

Yee-ha.

- Yee-haa!

- Yee-ha!

- Yee-ha!

- Yee-ha!

Yee-ha!

- Feel like a schmuck?

- Oh, yeah. A big schmuck.

Yee-haa!

We'll see you in Colorado.

Fairy tales can come true

It can happen to you

If you're young at heart

For it's hard, you will find

To be narrow of mind

If you're young at heart

And if you should survive

To 105

Look at all you'll derive

Just by being alive

Now here is the best part

You have a head start

If you are amongst the very young

At heart

Look, a stray.

You take him, Mitch.

- No, it's the first one. You get him, Ed.

- No, let Phil have him.

- No, you get this one.

- Are you sure? There's gonna be plenty.

You get this one. I'll get the next one.

Then Ed, then you...

Like a round robin?

That's good, yeah.

- So who gets this one?

- You.

- Come on. Go!

- Out of shoot No. 9!

Hey, go Mitchy!

No, no.

Don't go back there. No!

Think I can't see you behind there?

Hello!

Come on, now.

Here we go.

Come on now.

Here we go. Come on.

It's like chasing a mime.

Yee-ha, cowboy!

- All right!

- All right, Mitchy!

I did it!

All right!

Uh-oh.

Hey, moonwalk.

I'd like to thank

everybody for helping me get my stray in.

All right, all right.

Come on back.

All right, now, easy on the clutch.

Cut the wheel! Cut it, cut it.

That's it. Straight back and park

and lock it. You got the keys, sir?

Whoo! I wish the kids coulda seen that.

Dump it into the personal,

then make out the cheque.

- He should know. He's our accountant.

- You're our accountant.

- Don't... Just get a Mets score.

- Arnold, I'm losing you.

We're going behind a butte.

Arnold?

Arnold, what's the Mets score?

The Mets... I lost him.

Boy, that saddle's having all the fun.

You have, like, a half-track mind.

- You wouldn't screw her brains out?

- Lovely image.

It ranks up there with my other favourite

of yours:
"Bang the sh*t out of her."

I'm sorry if I offended

your delicate sensibilities.

- You were staring at her pretty good.

- That's different.

- Different?

- Yeah.

Look. I go to an art gallery,

right? And I see a Picasso.

- Oh, she's a Picasso now?

- No, she's not a Picasso.

If she was, she'd have three tits.

What I'm saying is if I see a nice painting,

I look at it, but I don't pull it off the wall.

Let me ask you this.

What if you could have great sex

with someone attractive...

...and Barbara would never find out?

It's a big trap. I mean,

look what happened to Phil.

The girl came to his house,

then she came to my house.

Yeah.

- Let's say a spaceship lands.

- Good, reality. Are you listening to this?

A spaceship lands and the most beautiful

woman you ever saw gets out.

All she wants to do is have

the greatest sex in the universe with you.

- Could happen.

- When it's over, she flies away for ever.

No one will ever know.

You're telling me you wouldn't do it?

No. It just what you describing actually happened

to my cousin Ronald. And his wife did find out about

it at the beauty parlour.

- They know everything there.

- Forget about it.

I'm saying it wouldn't make

it all right if Barbara didn't know.

I'd know, and I wouldn't

like myself. That's all.

- Pay attention, girls. We got strays.

- Hi, Curly. Kill anyone today?

Day ain't over yet.

I wonder what Barbara's doing.

You're really with just

one woman for 15 years? Just one?

Yes, Ed. I'm married. I caught my limit.

Why are you after me about this?

Let's say... all your life, for breakfast,

you eat from the Kellogg's variety pack.

- And a spaceship lands.

- No. Then you don't get the variety pack.

You pick one, your favourite one,

and you just get that one from then on.

Every day for the rest of your life,

the same cereal.

Then you wake up one morning...

and you're just not hungry any more.

You can't get an erection.

Hey, pal. I can get an erection

any time I want. Watch.

Ed, please don't. Leave the stallion in the

corral. You'll knock me into the fire, OK?

See, here's the thing.

- Kim wants to have kids.

- And you don't?

I say it's because

we wouldn't have as much fun.

But that's not the reason.

Having a kid, that's heavy.

That's a real commitment.

That's saying I'm never gonna be with

another woman for the rest of my life.

Wait a minute, let me get this straight.

I have no life.

We're all agreed on that, right?

- Right.

- OK.

Your big problem

is that you're married...

...to this gorgeous

24-year-old underwear model...

...who thinks the sun rises and sets in your

pants, and that's not enough for you?

- You don't understand.

- No, I don't understand.

- I don't wanna screw around on Kim.

- So don't.

Oh.

From the king of restraint.

- What does that mean?

- It means that's pretty smug advice...

...from a man who mounted an 18-year-old

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote