City Slickers Page #5

checkout girl on the day-old bread rack.

- She's 20, and shut up.

- Let me get you hot, Phil.

- "I need a price, register nine."

- Cut it out.

What'd you use for protection?

Paper or plastic?

- Come on!

- We're on vacation!

- You're spookin' the cattle.

- We were just fooling around.

See you tomorrow.

Sunup.

- Morning.

- Hi.

- You done with that?

- Yeah, help yourself.

See, Mom, we're keeping clean.

It's cold... but I'm a real pioneer man.

- Morning.

- Good morning.

Come on, guys.

You're sorry, you're sorry.

Let's make up, huh?

All right.

- My fault.

- No, it's all right.

Gotta celebrate. I got a special treat.

I'm gonna make fresh coffee.

Battery-operated. Instantly grinds

its own beans. Only 19.95.

- Come on, why live like animals?

- That's great.

First cup's for my good friend Phil.

When we were kids, he used to

let me watch his sister undress.

I never forgot it, Phil...

cos I still do it. OK.

Wow.

Something's spookin' the cattle.

Look, look.

The cows are going away.

- Wow, look at 'em go.

- That is amazing.

- Stampede!

- We gotta get 'em.

Whoa!

- Beautiful. Get that in the frame.

- I got it.

I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die. Oh, God.

They're comin' at us!

- Come on!

- Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Bonnie, there's a stampede...

...in your tent.

City folk.

I'm sorry. I mean, I was just tryin'

to make a cup of coffee. That's all.

It was... it was French roast.

There's still a few head missin'.

Must have gone into that canyon.

- TR and I'll get 'em.

- No, I'll get 'em...

...with you.

- Me?

- Yeah.

- You're comin' with me.

- Just the two of us?

You move the herd.

I'll catch up.

- You mean, we'll catch up.

- Let's go.

Bye.

Curly, did I ever show you pictures of

my wife and kids? I'm their sole support.

- Is he gonna be all right?

- Sure.

Curly's just trying to scare him.

You know Mitch. He's a wise ass.

If anything happens to him...

...I'm going after Barbara.

Throw a rope on this 'un so we

can go after the others. Rope him.

I'm not good at it.

I have a roping disability.

Be right with you.

Jesus Christ.

Hey.

See, I'm good at this part.

Throw it.

You know what just occurred to me?

Roping is stupid.

This is a cow, not a gazelle.

Watch. Get off the horse, huh?

Then you walk up to the cow.

Look how good this is working.

Then you say "Hi, Bob Vila for This

Old Herd. We're gonna rope you today."

Then you take Mr Loop

and put it around the head of Mr Cow.

What's wrong with that?

- That!

- I'm on vacation!

- Is that it?

- That's it.

- What are we doing?

- Making camp.

Too late to catch up with the herd

before dark. We'll catch up tomorrow.

You mean we're gonna

sleep out here? Just...

That's right.

Oh, God.

It's Deliverance.

Getting ready to shave?

You make a lot of... smart remarks

at my expense, don't you?

I'm joking.

I do with everybody.

It's just my way.

I don't understand that way.

Put that away.

I said... put that away.

You know, the first time I tried

to talk to you, you embarrassed me.

So I teased you a little bit, which maybe

I shouldn't have done. So I'm sorry.

Now you're playing with your knife,

trying to frighten me...

...which you're doing a good job...

But if you're gonna kill me...

get on with it.

If not, shut the hell up.

I'm on vacation.

See them tumbling down

Pledging their love to the ground

Lonely but free I'll be found

Driftin' along

with the tumblin' tumbleweeds

Cares of the past are behind

Nowhere to go but I'll find

Just where the trail will wind

Drifting along

with the tumblin' tumbleweeds

Do you know any show tunes?

The second it's over,

she'll get back into her spaceship...

...and fly away for eternity.

- Would you do it?

- Is she a redhead?

Could be.

I like redheads.

- You ever been married?

- No.

- You ever been married?

- No.

You ever been in love?

Once...

I was drivin' a herd across the Panhandle.

- Texas.

- Mm-hm.

Passed near this little dirt farm

round about sundown.

Out in the field was this young woman...

...working down in the dirt.

Just about then,

she stood up to stretch her back.

She was wearing a little cotton dress,

and the settin' sun was right behind her...

...showing the shape

that God had given her.

What happened?

I just turned around and rode away.

Why?

I figured it wasn't gonna get

any better than that.

Yeah, but you could've been,

you know... with her.

I been with lots of women.

Yeah, but, you know, she could've

been the love of your life.

She is.

That's great.

That's... not great.

No, that's wrong. You passed up

something that might have been terrific.

- My choice.

- I never could have done that.

That's your choice.

A cowboy leads a different kind of life.

When there were cowboys.

We're a dyin' breed.

Still means somethin' to me, though.

In a couple of days,

we'll move this herd across the river...

...drive 'em through the valley.

There's nothin' like bringin' in a herd.

See, now that's great.

Your life makes sense to you.

- What's so funny?

- You city folk worry about a lot of sh*t.

Sh*t? My wife basically told me

she doesn't want me around.

Is she a redhead?

- I'm just saying...

- How old are you?

- 38.

- 39.

Y'all come up here about

the same age. Same problems.

Spend about 50 weeks a year

gettin' knots in your rope.

Then you think two weeks

up here'll untie 'em for you.

None of you get it.

- Do you know what the secret of life is?

- No. What?

- This.

- Your finger?

One thing.

Just one thing.

You stick to that and

everything else don't mean sh*t.

That's great,

but... what's the one thing?

That's what you gotta figure out.

Oh, damn it.

Come on!

- What's goin' on?

- This cow's having a baby.

I noticed it when we found her.

I was hopin' she'd make it

through the drive, but... she's ready.

Does she do it herself?

Or do you help her?

I'll hold her down.

You deliver the calf.

Excuse me? Hello?

Why don't I hold her down?

You don't know how. She'll kick you

and kill you, and her and the calf.

- That's too much for me to carry back.

- I see your point.

Come on.

She's ready.

- I...

- She's burstin'!

Oh, God.

There's gonna be bursting?

Just reach in and pull out the calf.

Ooh.

- You know, this was not in the brochure.

- She needs help, goddamn it!

What's taking so long?

Do you see the head?

Ugh.

- I only see a tail.

- Oh, sh*t.

It's turned the wrong way.

Get it out.

Uh-oh.

- My watch came off.

- Now!

- It was a gift!

- Do it!

Come on.

- Oh, Jesus.

- Look what I did! I made a cow.

This is unbelievable.

This is amazing.

He looks like you.

Look at him.

Yeah. Get up.

Oh, sh*t.

Look at this.

He's walking already.

He's a genius. He gets that

from my side of the family.

We all walk very early.

I'm gonna name him Norman.

You know, cos years ago...

- Why did you do that?

- She was dying.

And she was suffering.

We saved the calf.

Good job, cowboy.

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