Clerks. Page #4

MUSIC I'm a needle, you know MUSIC

MUSIC Never want to be a haystack MUSIC

MUSIC Don't ever want to break

your heart in two MUSIC

MUSIC Know the crowd

is gonna sell their soul MUSIC

MUSIC Take it anywhere l know

Well, l promise you MUSIC

MUSIC it's making me sick MUSICMUSIC

Yes, I'd like to check on

a misprint in today's edition.

Today's edition.

It says,

""Bree to wed Asian design major.""

No, everything's spelled fine.

I was just wondering

if the article was a misprint.

I don't know,

Like a typographical error or something.

Maybe it should say, ""Caitlin Bray""

or ""Caitlin Bre"" with one ""E.""

I'm a curious party.

A curious party.

I'm an ex-boyfriend, and, well,

I talk to her all the time

and she never mentioned this engagement.

That's why I'm thinking

maybe it's a misprint.

Are you sure ? Maybe there's

a vindictive printer working for you.

Meaning like, someone who asked her out

once and got shot down,

and this is his revenge

by putting this bogus article

in the paper when it went to press.

Hello. Hello ?

- [ Sniffing ]

- [ Cat Meows ]

I don't care if she's my cousin, I'm

gonna knock those boots again tonight.

- Look who it is.

The f***in' human vacuum.

- Scumbag, what are you doing ?

- Just hanging

with Silent Bob and his cousin.

- He's your cousin ?

- He's from Russia too.

- No way.

- What part of Russia ?

- l don't know. Do l look

Like his f***in' biographer ?

-Olaf, what part of Russia are you from?

-Moscow.

-He only speaks Russian ?

-He speaks some English,

but he cannot speak it good like we do.

- Is he staying here ?

- Nah, he's moving

to the big city this week.

- He wants to be a metal singer.

- [ Girl ] No way.

I swear. Olaf, metal.

That's his f***ing metal face.

Olaf, girl nice ?

- [ Speaks Russian ]

- That's f***ed up, man.

- What did he say ?

- l don't know, man,

but this guy's a character.

- He really wants to play metal ?

- Yeah, he's got his own band in Moscow.

- it's called ""F*** Your

Yankee Blue Jeans"" or something.

- That doesn't sound metal.

You gotta hear him sing.

Olaf, ""Berserker.""

- Come on, man, ""Berserker"" !

- Does he sing in English or Russian ?

In English. Come on, ""Berserker.""

Girls think sexy.

- Aah. Aah.

- Watch, he's gonna sing it.

It's too funny.

MUSIC My love for you

is like a truck, berserker MUSIC

MUSIC Would you like

some making f***, berserker MUSIC

- That's f***in' funny, man.

- Did he say, ""making f***"" ?

[ Science Fiction Movie Sounds,

Man Screaming ]

[ Sounds Stop ]

MUSIC My love for you

is ticking clock, berserker MUSIC

MUSIC Would you like

to suck my cock, berserker MUSICMUSIC

That's beautiful, man.

Hold on to the counter

and I'll pull.

Usually l just turn the can upside down.

Maybe we oughta soap your hand up.

They oughta put a warning on these

things, like they do with cigarettes.

- l think it's coming !

- [ Falls On Floor ]

Thanks. l thought l was going

to have to go to the hospital.

I'll throw this out

as a precautionary measure.

[ Chuckling ]

Stings a little.

A little word of advice: Sometimes you

got to let those hard-to-reach chips go.

- [ Door Opens ]

- Thanks.

You know, that article's accurate.

Caitlin really is getting married.

-You know what l just watched ?

-Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?

- Return Of The Jedi.

- Didn't you hear me ?

Caitlin is really getting married.

What did you like better:

Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back ?

- Empire.

- Blasphemy.

Empire had the better ending.

I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off,

finds out Vader's his father.

Han gets frozen, taken away by

Boba Fett. it ends on such a down note.

I mean, that's what life is:

a series of down endings.

All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.

There was something else

going on in Jedi.

I never noticed it 'til today.

- They build another Death Star, right ?

- Yeah.

The first one

was completed and fully operational

before the rebels destroyed it.

Luke blew it up.

Give credit where credit's due.

- The second one was still

being built when they blew it up.

- Compliments of Lando Calrissian.

Something just never sat right with me

that second time around.

I could never put my finger on it,

but something just wasn't right.

- And you figured it out.

- The first Death Star

was manned by the lmperial Army.

The only people on board were Storm

Troopers, dignitaries, lmperialists.

- Basically.

- So when they blew it up, no problem.

Evil's punished.

- And the second time around ?

- it wasn't even done being built yet.

- it was still under construction.

- So ?

A construction job

of that magnitude would require...

a lot more manpower

than the lmperial Army had to offer.

I'll bet they brought independent

contractors in on that thing.

- Plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers--

- Not just lmperialists.

- Is that what you're getting at ?

- Exactly.

To get it built quickly and quietly,

they'd hire anybody

that could do the job.

You think the average Storm Trooper

knows how to install a toilet main ?

- All they know is killing.

- So they bring in

independent contractors.

- Why are you so upset ?

- Those innocent contractors

brought in are killed,

casualties of a war

they had nothing to do with.

Look, you're a roofer. Some juicy

government contract comes your way.

You got a wife and kids,

the two-story in suburbia.

This is a government contract

which means all sorts of benefits.

Along come these left-wing militants

who blast everything...

within a three-mile radius

with their lasers.

You didn't ask for that;

you had no personal politics.

- You're just trying

to scrape out a living.

- l don't mean to interrupt,

- but what are you talking about ?

- The ending of Return Of The Jedi.

My friend is trying to convince me

that independent contractors

working on the Death Star...

were innocent victims

when it was destroyed by the rebels.

I'm a contractor myself.

I'm a roofer.

""Done And Ready Home improvements.""

Speaking as a roofer, l can tell you

a roofer's personal politics...

- comes into play heavily

when choosing jobs.

- Like when ?

Three weeks ago, l was offered a job

up in the hills. Beautiful house.

Tons of property.

A simple re-shingling job.

They told me if l could finish it

in one day, l would double my price.

- Then l realized whose house it was.

- [ Dante ] Whose house was it ?

- Dominic Bambino's.

- Baby Face Bambino ? The gangster ?

The same ! The money was right,

but the risk was too high.

I knew who he was, and based on that,

I turned the job over to a friend.

- Based on personal politics.

- Right !

The next week, the Foresie family

put a hit on Baby Face's house.

- My friend was shot and killed.

Didn't even finish re-shingling.

- No way.

I'm alive because l knew the risk

involved in that particular client.

My friend wasn't so lucky.

Any contractor working on that

Death Star knew the risk involved.

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