Clerks. Page #5

If they got killed,

it's their own fault.

A roofer listens to this,

not his wallet.

They say so much, but they never

tell you if it's any good.

Are either one of these any good ?

- Sir ?

- What ?

- Are either one of these any good ?

- l don't watch movies.

[ Sighs ] Well, have you heard anything

about either one of them ?

I find it's best to stay out

of other people's affairs.

You mean you haven't heard anybody

say anything about either one of these ?

Nope.

[ Sighs ]

- Well, what about these two ?

- They suck.

[ Sighs ]

These are the same two movies.

- You weren't paying any attention.

- No, l wasn't.

I don't think your manager

would appreciate it--

- l don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.

- l beg your pardon ?

Your ruse.

Your cunning attempt to trick me.

I was only pointing out that

you weren't paying any attention

to what l was saying.

And l hope it feels good.

- You hope what feels good ?

- l hope it feels so good to be right.

There's nothing more exhilarating...

than pointing out

the shortcomings of others, is there ?

[ Heavy Sigh ] Well, this is

the last time l rent here !

- You will be missed.

- Screw you !

- Hey, you're not allowed

to rent here anymore !

- [ Jay ] Yeah !

Screw me ?

- You'll never believe

what this unruly customer just said.

- Wait.

- She in here ?

- This guy's going through all the eggs.

This has been going on

for 20 minutes now.

- What's he looking for ?

- Said he has to find the perfect dozen.

- Perfect dozen ?

- Each egg has to be perfect.

- The quest isn't going well ?

- Obviously not.

- Look at all the cartons

that didn't make the grade.

- Why doesn't he mix and match ?

- l told him that, and he yelled at me.

- What'd he say ?

He said

it was important to have standards.

He says no one has any pride anymore.

It's not like

you laid the eggs yourself.

I give him five more minutes.

After that, I'm calling the cops.

I don't need this.

I'm not even supposed to be here today.

Two packs of cigarettes.

- I'm as puzzled as you.

- I've actually seen it before.

- You know him ?

- No, but l know the behavior.

- Let me guess. He's looking

for the perfect carton of eggs ?

- [ Randal ] How'd you know ?

- I'll bet you a million dollars

he's a guidance counselor.

- [ Dante ] Why do you say that ?

I saw it happen in Food City,

Like, last year. Different guy, though.

Stock boy said he'd been looking through

cartons of eggs for half an hour,

doing all sorts

of endurance tests and stuff.

I asked him why nobody ever called

the manager, and he said it happens...

two, three times a week, sometimes more.

- Get out of here.

- No, l kid you not.

They call it shell shock. Seems to

only happen with guidance counselors.

They used to make a big deal of it,

but they just let it go now...

because they always pay

for whatever they break,

and they never bother anybody.

Why guidance counselors ?

If your job was as meaningless

as theirs, wouldn't you go crazy too ?

- Come to think of it, my guidance

counselor was kinda worthless.

- See ?

It's important to have a job

that makes a difference, boys.

That's why l manually masturbate caged

animals for artificial insemination.

MUSIC Go your own way MUSIC

MUSIC You can call it

another lonely day MUSICMUSIC

Did you ever notice

that all the prices end in ""9"" ?

Damn, that's eerie.

- Do you know how much the average

jiz-mopper makes per hour ?

- What's a jiz-mopper ?

The guy that cleans up the nudie booths

after each guy jerks off.

- ""Nudie booth"" ?

- Yeah, nudie booth.

- You ever been in a nudie booth ?

- Guess not.

Oh, man, it's great.

You go into this booth, and there's

this glass between you and these chicks.

- And they put on a show for you

for, like, ten bucks.

- What kind of a show ?

Think of the weirdest, craziest sh*t

you'd like to see chicks do.

These chicks do it all. They insert

things into any opening on their body.

- Any opening.

- Can we not talk about this now ?

The jiz-mopper's job is to clean it up

after each guy shoots a load.

Practically everybody

does it right on the window.

I don't know if you know this,

but cum leaves streaks

if you don't clean it right away.

- l will never come to this place again.

- Excuse me ?

Using filthy language in front of

the customers. You both should be fired.

Oh, l-I'm sorry.

I guess we kinda got carried away.

I don't know

if sorry can make up for it.

You've highly offended me.

Well, if you think that's offensive,

check this out.

Oh !

[ Screaming ]

- l think you can see her kidneys.

- Why do you do things like that ?

- You know he's only going

to come back and tell the boss.

- Who cares ?

That guy's an a**hole. Everybody

that comes in here is way too uptight.

This job would be great

if it wasn't for the f***ing customers.

- Jesus ! I'm gonna hear

from the boss tomorrow.

- Would you loosen up ?

You'd feel a lot better if you'd just

rip into the occasional customer.

Why ? l-l don't bother them

and they don't bother me.

Liar ! Tell me there aren't

customers that annoy the piss

out of you on a daily basis.

- There aren't !

- How can you lie like that ?

Why don't you vent ? Vent your

frustrations. Who pisses you off ?

Well, l guess it isn't

customers in particular.

Maybe just a group of customers.

- Well, let's hear it.

- Well, the Milk Maids.

The Milk Maids ?

The women that go through every gallon

of milk, looking for that later date,

as if somewhere beyond all the other

gallons is a container of milk...

that won't go bad for like a decade.

You know who l can do without ?

The people in the video store.

- Which ones ?

- All of 'em.

What would you get for a six-year-old

boy who chronically wets his bed ?

So, do you have any new movies in ?

Do you have that one

with that guy who was in

that movie that was out last year ?

They never rent quality flicks.

They always pick the most intellectually

devoid movie on the racks.

Oooh ! Navy SEALS !

It's like in order to join they have to

have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.

You think you get stupid questions ?

You should hear the barrage that l get.

What do you mean there's no ice ?

I've got to drink this coffee hot ?

So, how much is this thing anyway ?

Do you sell hubcaps

for a '72 Pinto hatchback ?

Ooh ! Mini-Trucker magazine.

-See? You vented. Don't you feel better?

-No.

- Why not ?

- Because my ex-girlfriend

is getting married.

Jesus, you got a one-track mind.

It's always Caitlin, Caitlin, Caitlin.

Veronica !

- What happened to home by 12:00 ?

- Boss hasn't shown up yet.

- How come you're not in class ?

- Lit. 101 got cancelled.

- So l stopped home

and l brought you some lunch.

- What is it ?

Peanut butter and jelly

with the crusts cut off.

What do you think it is ?

- it's lasagna.

- Really ?

Oh, you're the queen.

I'm glad you calmed down a bit.

Hi, Randal.

- Thirty-seven ?

- Shut up !

Yes, I've calmed down.

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