Clerks. Page #7

out of my hemorrhoids.

I thought maybe you could

Let me have a roll of the soft stuff.

I see you sell

the soft stuff back there.

- Yeah, but--

- Come on, boitshik !

What's the difference ?

You said yourself

you have the rough stuff in the back.

- Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

- Thank you, sonny boy.

You're a lifesaver.

Say, young fella,

I hate to bother you again,

but, uh, maybe l could have something

in the back there to read ?

A paper or something ?

Sometimes it takes me a while,

and l like to have something

to read while it's going on.

[ Dante ]

Yeah, sure, go ahead.

One of the magazines you got

in the back behind the counter.

- The porno mags ?

- Yeah !

I like the cartoons.

They make me laugh.

They draw some of the biggest titties

you ever saw.

Not this one. Maybe the one

you got underneath this one.

- They got bigger titties in there.

- Here.

- Now leave me alone.

- Oh, thank you, sonny boy.

I appreciate it.

Hell of a game.

One ball ? l close the store, they come

all the way here, for one ball ?

Hockey is hockey.

At least we got to play.

Twelve minutes is not a game.

Jesus, it's hardly even a warm-up.

- B*tch, b*tch, b*tch.

You want something to drink ?

- Yeah, a Gatorade.

-Hey, what happened to all the Gatorade?

-Exactly. They drank it all.

- Know what Sanford told me ?

- l can't believe

Caitlin's getting married.

- Julie Doyer died.

- Yeah, right.

- No, I'm serious.

- Oh, my God !

Sanford's brother dates her cousin.

He found out this morning.

- How ? When ?

- Embolism in her brain. Yesterday.

- Jesus !

- She was swimming in the pool

in the YMCA when it happened.

-She died mid-backstroke.

-l haven't seen her in, like, two years.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't she

one of the illustrious 12 ?

- Yeah, number six.

- You've had sex with a dead person.

- I'm gonna go to her wake.

- No, you're not. it's today.

- What ?

- Posten's Funeral Parlor.

Next show's at 4:00.

- Sh*t ! What about tomorrow ?

- One night only.

She's buried in the morning.

- You gotta watch the store.

I gotta go to this.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Has it occurred to you

that l might be bereaved as well ?

- You hardly knew her.

True. But do you know

how many people are gonna be there ?

- All her old classmates,

to say the least.

- This is beneath even you.

I'm not gonna miss what's probably

gonna be the social event of the season.

-You hate people !

-But l love gatherings. isn't it ironic?

Stop being an a**hole.

Someone's gotta watch the store.

- lf you go, l go.

- She meant nothing to you !

She meant nothing to you neither

'til l told you she died.

- I'm not taking you to this funeral.

- I'm going with you.

- l can't close the store.

- You just closed the store

to play hockey on the roof.

Exactly ! Which means

I can't close it for another hour

just so we can both go to a wake.

You were saying ?

Thanks for putting me in

such a tough spot. You're a good friend.

- She was pretty young, huh ?

- Twenty-two. Just like us.

- Embolism in a pool.

- What an embarrassing way to die.

- That's nothing compared

to how my cousin Walter died.

- How did he die ?

- He broke his neck.

- That's embarrassing ?

He broke his neck

trying to suck his own dick.

- Shut the hell up.

- l swear.

- Stop it.

- Bible truth.

- Oh, my God !

- Come on. Haven't you ever

tried to suck your own dick ?

- No.

- Yeah, right. You're so repressed.

- Because l never tried

to suck my own dick ?

- No, because you won't admit to it.

As if a guy's a f***ing pervert

'cause he tries to go down on himself.

You're as curious as the rest

of us, pal. You've tried it.

- Who found him ?

- My cousin ? Mom found him.

It was a mess. He was on his bed,

his legs doubled over himself.

Mom freaked out.

MUSIC You know that you are

a shooting star MUSIC

- Made it, huh ? Dick in his mouth ?

- Yeah.

Balls resting on his lips.

- Wow. He really made it.

- Yeah, but at what a price.

- l can never reach.

- Reach what ?

- You know.

- What, your dick ?

Yeah. Like you said, l guess everybody

gets curious and tries it sometime.

I never tried it.

F***ing pervert.

MUSIC Suddenly everyone loved

to hear him play his songs MUSIC

MUSIC Watch the world go by

Surprising it goes so fast MUSIC

MUSIC Johnny looked around him and said

hey, I've made the big time at last MUSICMUSIC

- l knew this was a bad idea

to close the store.

- Listen to you.

I can't help it. At least on the roof,

I could see if anybody wanted to go in.

Nobody's there.

It's 4:
00 on a Saturday.

How many people ever come to the store

at 4:
00 on a Saturday ?

Let me in !

[ Crashing Sound, Woman Screaming ]

MUSIC Do you know your place MUSIC

MUSIC In the big charade MUSIC

MUSIC Are you more than dead MUSIC

MUSIC Leaders and followers

Leaders and followers MUSICMUSIC

- [ Door Closes ]

- l can't f***ing believe you.

I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault.

- You knocked the casket over,

for Christ's sake !

- l was just leanin' on it.

- it was an accident.

- Like someone knocks a casket over

on purpose !

- So the casket fell over. Big deal.

- Her f***ing body fell out !

I put her back in it. it's not like

it matters if she breaks something.

- Just go open the video store.

- [ Jay ] Open the video store !

Shut the f*** up, junkie.

-Would you just go open the video store?

-Yeah, you cock-smokin' clerk.

How many times have l told you not

to be dealing in front of the store ?

I'm not dealing.

What're you talking about ?

- Have you got anything, man ?

- What you want ?

- Let me borrow your car.

- l don't want to talk to you.

- Fine. Just let me borrow your car.

- Why should l loan you my car ?

- l want to rent a movie.

- You want to rent a movie.

- [ Sighs ]

- What's that for ?

- You work in a video store !

- l work in a shitty video store.

I want to go to a good video store

so l can get a good movie.

And a pack of cigarettes.

- Cute cat. What's its name ?

- Annoying customer.

F***ing d*ckhead.

Can you imagine being halfway decent

to the customers sometimes ?

- Let me borrow your car.

- May l be blunt with you ?

If you must.

We are employees of Quick Stop

Convenience and RST Video, respectively.

As such, we have certain obligations

that, although they may seem cruel

and unusual,

- does mean manning the store

until closing.

- l see.

So playing hockey and attending wakes

are standard operating procedures ?

There's a difference.

Those are obligations that couldn't

have been met at any other date.

Now, renting videos, that's gratuitous,

not to mention illogical,

being that you work at a video store.

- Are you open ?

- Yes.

- l don't care for your rationale.

- it's gonna have to do,

being it's my car up for request.

- Can l help you ?

- A pack of cigarettes.

- What's your point ?

- My point is,

you're a clerk, paid to do a job.

You can't just do anything

you want while you're working.

""Space alien revealed

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