Clerks. Page #8

as head of Time-Warner.

Report stock increase.""

They print any kind of sh*t

in this paper.

They certainly do.

Three dollars.

- Your argument is

that title dictates behavior.

- What ?

The reason you won't

Let me use your car is because

I have a title and job description,

- and I'm supposed to follow it, right ?

- Exactly.

I saw one one time that said,

""The next week,

the world is ending.""

In the next week's paper, they said,

""We were miraculously saved

at the zero hour...

by a koala-fish mutant bird.""

[ Laughing ]

Crazy sh*t.

So I'm no more

responsible for my decisions here than,

say, a death squad soldier in Bosnia ?

That's stretching it. You're not being

asked to slay children or anything.

- Yeah, not yet.

- And l remember one time--

I'm gonna break your f***ing head,

you f***ing jerk !

- I'm sorry. He meant to hit me.

- Yeah ? Well, he missed.

Here, let me refund your money

and we'll call if even, all right ?

I'll never come in here again.

And if l see you again,

I'm gonna break your f***ing head open !

- What the f*** did you do that for ?

- Two reasons.

One, l hate it when people can't shut up

about the stupid tabloid headlines.

- Oh, Jesus.

- And two, to prove a point.

Title does not dictate behavior.

- What ?

- lf title dictated my behavior

as a clerk serving the public,

I wouldn't be allowed to spit water

at that guy, but l did.

My point is that

people dictate their own behavior.

Even though l work in a video store,

I choose to rent movies at Big Choice.

- Agreed ?

- You are a danger

to both the dead and the living.

I like to think

I'm a master of my own destiny.

- Please get the hell outta here.

- You know I'm your hero.

Sounds to me like somebody

needs to hit the gym.

- Excuse me ?

- l heard you strain

when you picked up that milk.

- it only weighs seven pounds.

- l didn't strain. l sighed.

I don't think so.

That was a grunt.

A deep inhalation of oxygen

to aid in the stretching of muscles.

I'm a trainer. l know what that

sound signifies. You're out of shape.

- What ? There's no fat on my body.

- No fat !

No tone either.

You don't get enough exercise.

- You open ?

- Yes.

- Just the paper.

- Thirty-five.

Hey, uh, let me ask you a question.

Think this guy's out of shape ?

I don't know.

Can't really tell from here.

- l am-- l am not !

- He is.

How much can you bench ?

- l don't know.

- I'd say about 60, 70, tops.

I know l can bench more than that.

- Three-fifty, four.

- No way !

Feel that.

Hey, that's tight.

Solid.

Yeah. Now feel this.

Roll up your sleeve, chief.

- Oh, for God's sakes !

- See, you're ashamed.

You know you're out of shape.

Here.

Take my card.

I can get you on

an aerobics/free weights program.

- Are you open ?

- [ Dante ] Yes. I'm not out of shape.

Excuse me.

Have you been here all day ?

- Yeah, since 6:
00 this morning.

- He's got those love handles.

I don't have love handles !

- Were you working here about 4:00 ?

- Yes.

- it's probably from being

around all this food every day.

- Oh, l know.

If l had to work here all day,

I'd be bloated and out of shape too.

- I'm not out of shape.

- Can l have your name, please ?

Dante Hicks. Why ?

What's this all about ?

You're Dante Hicks ? Oh, my God.

I didn't even recognize you.

- Because he's out of shape !

- Do l know you ?

Yeah. Do you remember Alyssa Jones ?

She used to hang out--

- With Caitlin Bree !

- I'm her sister.

You're Alyssa's sister Heather ?

- Yeah.

- You, uh, say Caitlin Bree ?

- Yeah.

- Pretty girl ?

A little taller than her ?

Gorgeous body ?

- Yeah.

- And you're Dante Hicks.

You went to the same school.

You played hockey.

- Yeah. How did you know that ?

- You still goin' out with her ?

- No, she's getting married.

- To you ?

No. To an Asian design major.

Aw, sh*t !

Don't take this the wrong way,

but, uh, l used to f*** her.

- What ?

- Yeah, about two, three years ago.

While you two were dating.

I drove a black Trans Am.

- You're Rick Daress ?

- Yeah.

- You know him ?

- Yeah.

- Caitlin used to

talk about him all the time.

- Really ?

Wait a second. You used to f***

Caitlin Bree while l was dating her ?

Nah, man, don't let it bother you.

That was a long time ago.

I'm surprised you didn't

know about it, Dante.

Everybody in school knew about it.

Even in my class.

Jesus Christ ! What next ?

- Here you go.

- What's this ?

- A fine for $500.

- What ?

Five hundred bucks ?

For what ?

For violation of New Jersey Statute,

Section 2A, Number 170/51.

Any person who sells

or makes available tobacco,

or tobacco-related products,

to persons under the age of 18,

is regarded as disorderly.

- What are you talkin' about ?

- An angry mother called

the state division of taxation...

and claimed

that a Quick Stop employee...

sold her four-year-old daughter

a pack of cigarettes at 4:00 today.

The New Jersey Division of Taxation

called the Board of Health...

and sent me down to issue a fine.

You claimed you were working here

all day. Hence, the fine is yours.

The fine is doubled due to

the incredibly young age of the child.

But l didn't sell any cigarettes

to any kids !

You sold cigarettes to a four-year-old ?

What a scumbag !

That's sick, Dante.

I didn't sell cigarettes to any kids !

I swear !

The due date is on the bottom.

This summons cannot be contested

in any court of law.

Failure to remit before the due date...

will result

in a charge of criminal negligence,

and a warrant

will be issued for your arrest.

- Have a nice day.

- But l didn't sell

any cigarettes to any kids.

Hey, wait a minute !

Forget it. l don't wanna deal with a guy

that sells cigarettes to four-year-olds.

Can l, uh, give you

a lift somewhere ?

Sure. How 'bout the beach ?

I like the way you think.

Jesus ! What next ?

- [ Woman ] Dante ?

- What ? Caitlin !

MUSICMUSIC [ Muzak ]

- When did you get home ?

- Just now.

I can't believe it.

I haven't seen you in so long.

Dante, you have a customer.

I just saw Alyssa's

Little sister outside.

- She was with Rick Daress.

- Let's not talk about her.

- How'd you get home ?

- Train. it took eight hours.

- l can't believe you're here.

- Excuse me. Do you have--

Uh, yeah. Back behind the oil.

How long you staying ?

Until Monday.

Then l have to take the train back.

Pack of cigarettes.

Hey, congratulations.

I saw the announcement

in today's paper.

You know, she's marrying

an Asian design major.

So I'm told.

MUSICMUSIC [ Hip-Hop ]

You're just gonna close

the store like that ?

I wanna talk to you about something,

and l don't wanna be disturbed.

Something l read in the tabloids.

- You saw it.

- Very dramatic, l thought.

- it is not what you think.

- Oh, it's not what l think.

What is it, worse ? You're pregnant

with the Asian design major's child ?

- What's goin' on here ?

- l am not pregnant.

Were you gonna tell me, or were

you gonna send me an invitation ?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes