Clerks II Page #10

to obliterate all that|and reduce me to a convict.

Oh, yeah, it's my fault|your life's f***ed up.

I'm the engaged guy|who knocked up my boss.

You knocked up the guy|who owns Mooby's? Ew.

(chuckling):
|What?

Would you shut up?

(chuckling)

You're chaos incarnate, man.

Our whole lives,

you've been getting me into|trouble and holding me back.

Oh, I'm holding you back, right?

I remember, like, ten years ago,

the night we went|to Julie Dwyer's funeral,

you were all like, "I need|to sh*t or get off the pot."

You said, "Sh*t|or get off the pot," not me.

You got all fired up about|taking charge of your life,

and what'd you do?

You worked at the store|till the place burned down.

I took courses at Brookdale.

And dropped out.

Because you stopped going.

Because we were just killing|time with those classes.

One semester,

we took Criminology,|for Christ's sake.

What the f*** were we training|to be, Batman?

DANTE:
|At least we were|doing something

instead of wasting our lives in|some f***ing convenience store!

RANDAL:
|You know what?

You can badmouth Quick Stop all|you want, but I miss that place.

I loved working there.

I look back on that period|as the best time in my life.

Now I know you're f***in' nuts.

Why? Because I enjoyed|what I did?

I got to watch movies,

f*** with a**holes,|and hang out with my best friend

all day.

Can you think of a better way|to make a living?

Yeah, maybe it's not|what everyone does,

but it was pretty f***ing good.

(laughs)

Man, that's you all over.

Scrape by with the bare minimum.

Well, I'm tired of that, Randal.

I'm not in high school anymore.

Sh*t, I'm not|even in my twenties anymore.

I don't want to sit around|and rag on customers

while eating free food.

That's what you want to do.

That's what you've|always wanted to do.

Well, if that's all you want out|of life, man, then God bless,

but I refuse to let your sh*t|taint the rest of mine.

No. I'm gonna smooth|things over with Emma,

go to Florida

and start|my Randal Graves-free existence.

And try to forget these last|33 years ever happened.

So that's the way you see all|this time we've spent together?

That's weird, man.

I thought you were|the only guy in the world

who got me and had my back...

the only person|who'd take a bullet for me,

'cause I assumed|you felt about me

the same way I feel about you.

Then, all of a sudden, one day,|you're like, "I'm moving. Bye."

Do you know|what that's been like for me?

I'm looking at a future|that just sucks,

because you're|not gonna be in it anymore.

And you're not|even throwing me over

for a life|that means something to you.

It's just a stupid,|hollow existence

you think you should embrace

because you're getting old|or something,

because it's the kind of life|everyone else goes after.

You're a f***ing drone, dude.

DANTE:
|Fine.

Then the next friend|whose life you ruin

can be a totally free spirit.

How's that?

You think I want to start|making friends at my age?

Christ.

Who would want me|as their friend?

I hate everyone, and everything|seems stupid to me...

...but you were always|the counterbalance to that...

the guy who was the yin|to my yang.

But now what the f*** am I gonna|do for the rest of my life?

I mean, sh*t, I really wish

you would've told me this|when I first met you

that one day,|you were gonna bail

on our friendship,

because if I had known|you were just gonna flake on me

a few decades later...

I wouldn't have even bothered|with your ass

in the first place.

Jesus, why don't you two

just f*** and get it|over with already?

(muttering):
|Faggots.

Why can't you ever say|something useful for a change?

Well, what the f***|you waiting for?

That's your cue, man.

I got nothing.

Jesus f***ing Christ,|what good are you,

you mute f***?!

You know what?|That hurts.

Like, what do you ever add|to the f***ing proceedings?

You got, like, one answer|for everything: "P*ssy, man."

Oh, then, man, you must love|this f***in' guy,

'cause he's the biggest p*ssy|I ever met.

The dude who lives his life

according|to everyone else's standards.

"I got to go to Florida

and get married, 'cause that's|what's expected of me."

And the f***in' insane part is,|he ain't even that crazy

about the chick he's marrying|or Florida,

never mind the fact|that he's got

a perfectly good chick

right here in Jersey|who he's nuts about,

and even Anne f***in' Frank|could see she's nuts about him.

God knows why.

And she likes you|for who you are, man.

She ain't trying|to stuff you into a box

you'll never fit into.

Not to mention the fact|that she's carrying

your hideous f***ing CHUD|of a kid.

Jesus, if you had any sense|whatsoever,

you'd f***in' stop trying

to bray it up|with the rest of the sheep

and live your life|the way it makes sense for you,

you f***in' ass!

Oh, yeah?|And what's that?

You obviously have|such a great handle

on your life.

Tell me what you would do|if you were in my position...

or even what you'd do|in your own position?

Swing that judgmental pendulum|back the other way

and tell me how you'd solve|all your problems, a**hole.

What the f*** would the|great Randal Graves do

if he were half the|master of his destiny

that I'm supposed to be?!

I'd buy the Quick Stop|and reopen it myself!

That's what I'd do.

That's what we should do.

Yeah, right.

Who-who are we, Lance Dowds?

Do you know|how much it would cost

to buy the Quick Stop?

Like, 50 grand, easy.

And neither one of us have|that type of money.

(sighs)

JAY:
|We do.

That's right.

You guys would be willing|to lend us some of that money

so we can reopen the stores?

Sure, on two conditions.

One:
We can hang out|in front of the store

anytime we want, and|you can't call the cops.

And two:

You have to blow each other,

and we get to watch.

Then you have|to go ass to mouth.

All right, just|the first condition.

Seriously?

Do I stutter?

Yeah, seriously.

What do you think?

(sighs)

I almost hate to say it, but...

it kind of makes sense.

Hey, maybe that's why we spent|so much time in that store,

why college

or anything else|never panned out for us.

I mean, think about it, man.

You and me running|our own business

instead of working|for some other a**hole?

Could be|pretty f***in' sweet, right?

Yeah, it really could.

But I don't know, man.

I was this close|to starting a new life.

Jesus.

You're actually gonna make me|do this, aren't you?

(sighs)

Can you guys cover your ears|for a minute, please?

You're my best friend...

and I love you.

In a totally heterosexual way.

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