Clerks II Page #9

# The speed of sound #

# Faster than #

# We thought we'd go #

# Beneath the sound #

# Of hope #

# The street heats|the urgency of now #

# As you see,|there's no one around. #

Oh, no.

Not again.

(speed-dial beeping)

Yeah, I have a fire|at the Mooby's

on Memorial Parkway|and Leonardo.

Dante coughs)

(hissing)

rhythmic melody playing)

What?

(funky riff kicks in)

What the f*** is going on?

It's your going-away party.

Whoo! Whoo!

We's all gonna get drunk|and get laid!

Oh, my God, is Elias hammered?

Isn't it awesome?

My man smoked two blunts|full of skunk.

F*** Pillow Pants!

Honk if you love|a tight p*ssy...

Yo, we love p*ssy.

Tonight, before|you leave me forever,

we are gonna peep something|we've been talking about

since we saw "Bachelor Party"

at your parents' house|on Beta, when we were 12.

What the f*** are|you talking about?

I'm gonna miss you, man.

I'm gonna miss you, too,|but this is a little much.

Yeah? Just wait.

(chuckling)

Show time!

(laughs)

Ladies and gentlemen...

and you, Elias,

straight from the debauchery

capital of the world,|Tijuana, Mexico...

Oh, God, no.

Oh, God, yes.

Get ready for some|hard-core bestiality.

DRIVER:
|Inter-species erotica, fucko!

(laughs)

Inter-species erotica|at its finest,

straight from TJ,

I give you Kinky Kelly|and the Sexy Stud!

# Maybe #

- # Just maybe... #|- Whoo!

# Naughty girls|need love, too... #

Don't worry.|Chick's coming.

# I've been told|time and time again #

# That you can't treat love|like a game... #

Any second,|the chick's coming.

# But I play rough|with hearts that never mend #

# 'Cause some guys like you|do the same #

# Love was|just a four-letter word #

# Never heard, how absurd... #

Any minute now.

# How could it be? #

# But now I can't believe|this is real #

# How I feel, now you steal #

# My heart away from me #

# Used to be so good|and so bad #

# Sex was something|I just had... #

Wow, that guy's being awfully|forward with that donkey.

Uh, Randal?!

Where the f***'s the chick?

# Baby, don't let me|be misunderstood #

# "Temporary love's so bad..." #

Yo, Freddie f***ing Mercury,|where's Kelly?

# Then along came you... #

Right here.

# Now I know it's true... #

I thought that's the sexy stud.

"I'm" the sexy stud.

# "Then came you..." #

But this donkey's a dude.

Kelly can be|a guy's name, too. Hey!

# Yes, it's true #

# I'm in love with you #

# And believe it, baby #

# This time,|your love won't get away... #

(groans)

Due to some|nomenclature confusion,

there's not gonna be any chick.

Well, who the f***'s|gonna blow the donkey?

# Ooh, it's only you I adore #

# So much more|than my body was asking for... #

Oh!

# Yes, your love|is breaking my chill... #

I have a huge boner right now.

# In my heart... #

Oh, my God!

Becky!

Where did you go?

What the f*** is going on here?

Uh, inter-species erotica.

Are you okay?

I'm disgusted and repulsed|and...

and I can't look away.

# Baby, don't let me|be misunderstood... #

It's huge!

# "Temporary love's so bad..." #

- "(donkey brays)"|- # But it feels so good #

# Then along came you... #

We need to talk.

Did you see the size|of that cock...

I love you.

And-and I think|you love me, too.

Uh, of-of course.|I...

I mean, we're friends.

L-I think you love me|as more than a friend.

It's okay.|You can say it.

But l-I don't believe|in romantic love.

I think you do.

Do you really want|to do this right now?

# But it feels so good #

- "(sighs)"|- # Then along came you... #

Well, I guess the show's over.

I don't think so, sir.

# Naughty girls|need love... too... #

If he's gonna jerk off,

I'm gonna jerk off, too.

I don't think|he's gonna jerk off.

# So moving like you're 40 #

# This groove|is much too naughty #

# Can't you see? #

# I want you just for me #

- # Boys, make some noise... #|- "(brays)"

Yo, you guys|are gonna miss this sh*t!

The big guy's gonna cornhole|that ass... with his wiener!

Hold that thought.

# Freeze, freeze,|freeze, freeze... #

(moaning)

I hope that donkey doesn't have|a heinie troll.

# "Temporary love's so bad..." #

All right, I do.

Do what?

# Then along came you... #

I do love you.

# "Temporary, temporary..." #

What kind of sick|f*** gets turned on

watching a guy f*** a donkey?

# Naughty girls need love #

# Baby, baby #

(sobbing)

I'm sorry, Jesus.

(moaning)

# "Then along came you..." #

Dante?

What's going on?

Ooh, cake.

(moans)

Yo, I was outside taking a piss|when I heard the news.

Congrats!

You're having a baby, right?

No. Who said that?

Some a**hole.

# "Temporary, temporary..." #

I'm sorry.

# Naughty girls need love... #

You f***!

(thud, Dante groans)

Quick, hit that|two-timing f*** with this!

Hey, want to go out sometime?

Emma, I don't...|I don't know what to say.

Take him, you f***ing whore.

across floor)

Emma!

(sirens blaring)

Oh, no.

# "Don't let me" #

# Baby #

# "Temporary love's so bad" #

# Temporary love's|so bad #

# "Then along came you..." #

Oh, sh*t, not again.|Got to finish.

(moans)

Yo, cops are outside,|we're holding,

and I'm still on probation.

- "(sighs)"|- # "Temporary, temporary..." #

What the f***?

(brays)

Porch monkey?!

Oh, no, no, it's cool.

I'm taking it back.

(whooping)

I love p*ssy and beer!

Whoo-hoo!

(groans)

Deja f***ing vu, right?

Jail cell design hasn't changed|much in centuries, has it?

Maybe it's time they brought in|the laser bars or something.

Or they can make

a hard plastic cage|like Magneto's in "X- Men 2."

No, come on, dude,

let's keep it in the real world,|all right?

But you know|what wouldn't be a bad idea?

Carbonite.

What do you think, Dante?

I think I'm gonna kill you!

Get off of me!

What up?! Steel cage match!

You ruined my life!

Your life was already ruined!

Jesus!

What were you thinking?

A f***ing donkey show?!

It was your going-away present!

DANTE:
|It sure was.

I just never thought|I'd be going away to prison.

SEXY STUD:
|Hey, boys.

You can't be imprisoned

for watching|an inter-species sex act.

You guys'll walk.

The most I'll get'll be a fine|for animal abuse

and a lot of disgusted looks|from asswipe conservatives

who can't appreciate|sexual exploration.

Hey!

(chuckles)

(sighs)

I miss my donkey.

I can't believe you.

I finally get my sh*t together.

I'm hours|from getting out of here

and really starting my life,|and you somehow figure out a way

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