Clinger Page #4

"Who's that skinny white girl?"

and I'm gonna be like,

"Its Fern, b*tches."

Cute.

Did you vanquish Robert?

He vanquished himself.

We're goin' out for

the evening, honey.

We're going to a hookah bar.

Aren't you guys a

little old for that?

No.

As long as I can have a beer.

You can have a beer

and you're gonna try

the hookah this time.

No.

You promised me.

I know.

Robert, get out!

I said that we were over.

Yeah, because you're alive.

I get it.

I'll be with you

the entire time.

All you have to do is make

a small slice up your arm.

It'll be worth it.

Fern Petersen...

will you die for me?

Kelsey! Kelsey!

Kelsey, get back to bed.

Shush, Dean.

What? Hey.

Hey, sis, what's goin' on?

Robert's trying to kill me.

What?

Get a weapon.

Take one.

This is Valeria, don't

have time for your sh*t.

Bye.

Valeria, Robert's in my

house trying to kill me.

And any help would be

enormously f***ing appreciated.

Come on.

F***, you're still here.

Babe, I came up

with a safe word.

Yeah, look who finally

decided to join in.

Pow, pow, pow, pow.

Hey, come here, Fern!

You are disgusting!

You a**hole!

Octopus!

Yeah.

No, you're not supposed

to f***ing like it.

We are over!

I love you beary much.

What the hell was that?

You are beary special.

I love you, I love

you beary much.

I love you beary much.

I love you beary much.

Sh*t!

What is that?

What is that?

My God!

What the f*** is up with that?

Fern, I brought

you a load of goodies

for your meet tomorrow.

I love you beary much.

That's not good!

That's not good!

That's not good!

-I love you beary much.

-F***, Fern!

F***!

F***!

You're a heartbreaking

witch, Fern Petersen!

Kelsey!

No!

B*tch!

Who are you hitting?

I love you beary much.

Go get them.

What the!

Get off me! My God,

I don't want to die!

My God!

I've never been married,

I've never had kids,

I've never gotten four

fingers in her.

I love you.

Fern, if I can't come

in your front door,

can I come in your back door?

Okay.

I love you beary much.

Kelsey, before we die,

I gotta confess,

I cheated on you with

the Waffle House waitress

with the huge tits.

I am glad I got

that off my chest.

What are those things?

Are those demon bears?

What the hell are those?

I love you beary much.

My God.

My f***ing God!

What the f***ing, f***!

Dean!

Robert!

No, no.

Die, motherf***er!

Kelsey!

Got a band-aid?

Here.

Behind you.

Get the f*** out, Robert.

I'm not scared of a water gun.

It's a ghost laser.

It lasers ghosts.

Well, it's broken.

It won't work anyways.

You sure you wanna test that?

I love you, Fern,

'til the day you die.

Sh*t!

F***!

You're back.

Kelsey.

Dean.

Fern.

Wait, f*** you!

You cheated on me and still

wanna sleep with my sister.

No, f*** you!

You got me killed!

Dean.

You were a god among men, Dean.

I'm leavin' and I'm taking

my flawless body with me.

Fine!

Come on let's go, Dean.

She doesn't deserve you.

I can't believe I

almost married him.

I should really rethink my life.

Also, I can't feel my hands.

Is that normal?

No, that's not normal at all.

God.

Hey, Fern, I've

been wait...

Kelsey got bit by a raccoon?

Poor animal regulation.

It's a citywide problem.

Okay.

I love you, Kelsey.

I love you too, Fern.

Fern, I found this

in Kelsey's room.

I think he's going to the

track meet tomorrow night.

I don't know why Robert

would do this, I mean,

I don't know why anyone would do

this, but it's pretty messed up.

When he said he loved me,

he must have been lying.

If someone loves you,

even if it's for only

five f***ing seconds,

they wouldn't do this, right?

Damn it.

Wherever I go he'll find me.

He'll kill Kelsey,

he'll hurt you.

I'll be dead for an eternity

with a bastard who'd rather

kill me than see me happy.

How could God let this happen?

What are we gonna do, Fern?

She will die for

you, Mister Robert.

You're already dead.

What do you have to lose?

If I'm not meant to

be her one and only...

I'll make it that way.

Did you get my message?

I'm leaving, Fern.

I came to this town

to start a new life,

not to do this

ghost-hunting sh*t.

But, Coach, I need you,

the track meet is tomorrow.

Once love ghosts go down

this path, they're unstoppable.

What am I supposed to

do, roll over and die?

Fern, when I was your age,

I was in a car accident.

The car accident killed

my mother and my granny.

They came back as love ghosts.

And at first, we were so happy.

And then they tried

to make me join them.

I vanquished my own mother.

And to this day my granny

haunts me, bitter and alone.

Love ghosts can only be

vanquished if they know

you don't love them anymore.

But they can delude themselves

to believe anything.

And it's damn hard to

stop loving someone,

no matter what they do to you.

Coach, you can't

leave me here.

I'm sorry, Fern.

Fern.

Come on, honey.

We know you're still

upset about Robert's death

and about Kelsey's neck.

You know when I lost

my best buddy in 'Nam,

I didn't want to leave

my bunk for weeks.

Hey, Fern, you

know what a SNAFU is?

Situation

Normal All F***ed Up.

Tell her about the, FUPA?

N-no, FUBAR.

Right.

F***ed up.

Beyond all repair.

Yeah.

Hey, you know

what you gotta do?

You gotta get up, and

win one for the Gipper.

Right?

You know who the

Gipper is, don't you?

Yeah, Dad, it's Reagan,

I know.

That's right.

Come on.

Mom?

Dad?

I have something to tell you.

Robert, I hate you.

Robert, I hate you!

I'll never love you, Robert.

Perfect.

Robert, you're controlling,

you're selfish.

Even if I can't

kill you tonight,

you won't win your race,

you won't go to MIT.

You'll stay here with me.

You still love me,

I know you do.

Go to hell, Robert Klingher.

Is this the ice cream social...

for the newly deads?

No, we're killin' someone.

Sh*t!

That is f***ed up!

Welcome to the fifth annual

Patrick Moore Invitational.

If you're driving a

red Toyota Corolla,

you are parked in

a reserved space.

Please move your vehicle

before it is towed.

Concessions are available below

the bleachers... Hey, Moe.

Hey.

Is that the MIT scout?

I think it is.

The 400 meter dash will begin

after a poignant message

from Senior Class President,

Jenny Bernstein.

What the hell?

The Student Council

has renamed this meet

after our dear friend,

Robert, who died horribly,

all because he loved his

girlfriend, Fern Petersen,

my best friend.

Hi, Fern.

Robert would watch Fern

run on this very track.

Occasionally, he

would glance at me,

but he always remained faithful.

He truly was a martyr.

All proceeds from

this meet go to the

Robert Klingher Memorial

Fund for Beheaded Youth.

2.6 American youths

are beheaded each year.

And we think that's wrong.

Robert, we dedicate this

meet to your memory.

That was a good speech.

Thank you, Jenny Bernstein.

You truly are a blessing

to Patrick Moore High.

Running for St. Johns

High, Kat Ashman.

Running for Penn Charter...

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