Club Dread Page #7

Bloody hell, Jen!

Am I the only one?

All right, let's get back to the case.

What we have to do...

Why dont you drop

the bullshit cop routine, okay, Sam?

Oh, just as soon as you drop the "I've

got nothing to hide" routine, Juan.

Let me guess. You were in here

looking for this letter from

the Encarnacion prison facility?

- What the f***, man?

- F***, why you are doing this, man?

"Juan shows no signs

of the bizarre and horrible behavior...

"that brought him to this institution.

"We believe him to be

fully rehabilitated...

and will be an excellent

addition to your staff."

- What did you do, Juan?

- I did nothing, Jenny.

What the f*** did you do, man?

Costa Rican prison...

that's some hard-core anal action, man.

- Juan, we have to know.

- What did you do, Juan?

- What did you do, Juan?

- [Dave] What the f***

did you do, man, huh?

- [Putman] What did you do?

- Tell us!

- I did nothing! Huh?

- [Screaming]

- [Juan] El Chupacabra!

- [Jenny] Hey!

- [Juan] No!

- [Sobs]

- [Juan] Oh! Oh, my God!

[Exclaims In Spanish]

- How could you do that?

- Wait, wait!

I did not do this. I'm not a killer.

I did not do this. I'm not a killer.

What the f***, man?

Then, what is this?

You want to know what I did?

Huh?

You all want to know what I did?

Juan Castillo...

went to jail...

for having sex with a goat.

All right?

What you want me to say?

We lived on a farm!

And I got lonely!

[Sobbing]

We were...

Oh, we were just

a couple of stupid kids.

No, it wasnt Juan.

It was Dave...

wasn't it?

You hated him

for what he did to your parents.

You see,

what none of us did know...

indeed,

what none of us could know...

was that David's parents...

were trampled to death

at a Coconut Pete concert.

What the hell's

wrong with you, Putman?

Everyone knows Dave's parents

got killed at a Pete show.

- [Mouths Words]

- Yeah, way to bring up a sore subject.

- What? L... What?

- [Dave] You think

I could have killed him?

He's my Uncle Petey.

You all saw him as...

a mellow island songster...

and a resort owner, but...

how many of you knew that he...

he was afraid of dogs...

and that his favorite spice

was rosemary?

How many of you knew that...

he was uncircumcised

and smelled of oranges? [Sniffs]

Yes, that's all

well and good, David.

But Ill bet hind to horses...

that you inherit the island.

- The island is already mine.

- What?

Pete signed it over to me last week.

He was going back on the...

on the road where he belonged.

He was forming a super group...

Billy Squier and Eddie Money!

Don Henley was gonna play drums!

F***, that would've been tight! F***.

He was gonna sell the island

to the navy for test bombing.

But I told him l-I could handle

the responsibility.

- [Bead Curtain Rustling]

- Lars.

No! No!

Pete.

[Convulsive Sobs]

Oh, my God! Pete!

[Sobbing Continues]

- [Retches]

- [Clapping]

Bravo, Lars, bravo.

Very convincing.

Very convincing.

- You f***er!

- Lars! No, stop it! No!

[Overlapping Shouts]

- Stop it!

- Hold it, hold it!

- Let's lock him up again.

- No! No! Stop it!

Stop it!

We're not locking anybody up!

We're all gonna stay together,

in one room!

Look, the boat

will be here tomorrow.

We'll go to the club,

gather all the guests...

and wait until the morning,

and we're going to do this together.

And we're gonna make it

through the night, okay?

Screw this, man!

I'm not going anywhere with Lars.

[Laughs]

Well, I'm not going anywhere with Juan.

- [Dave] Ooh!

- What kind of a man has sex with a goat?

- Hey, I used a condom.

- Oh.

You told me

they were against your religion.

[Chuckles]

Ehhh, you know, I need to find Peenalop.

- I am sure you all understand.

- [Indignant Scoff]

You come anywhere near

my cabana, I'm taking your head off!

Let's get outta here, Dave. Come on,

Dave, let's get outta here, man.

I don't think so.

[Chuckles]

[Crazed Laughing]

- Jenny, you're making

a most grievous mistake.

- [Laughter Fading]

I'm still not sure what happened...

with all that dodgy business

back in the jungle.

But I'm plagued by the dreams.

I believe I'm safer on my own.

- Well, that plan went to hell.

- [Sighs]

[Lars] Well, at least

they left us a torch. [Laughs]

Jenny? Jenny?

[Chuckles]

I believe I know where the generator is.

- [Clicks]

- [Turntables Whirring]

## [Hip-hop]

[Cackling]

Damn it!

He must have taken my swords.

I don't care if I have to carve a spear

out of bamboo, this a**hole's...

- Shh, shh, listen.

- No, I'm not gonna shush!

- I'm so sick of running from this...

- ## [Continues]

I thought

we didn't have any power.

- [Distorted]# Naughty Cal#

- Dave?

- # Bongo and Tokey

got tired of livin'on land#

- Dave. Dave?

# So the three amigos

took an undersea trip #

# Never were seen... #

[Jenny] God!

- [Screaming]

- [Phono Needle Scratching]

- It's me! It's me! It's me!

[Record Repeating]

# Die, we're all gonna die #

- # We're all gonna die #

- Holy sh*t!

Oh, my God!

The lock's broken!

[Gasps]

Oh, my God! He's out there.

Quick, under the bed,

hurry. Come on!

- Go, go! Hurry!

- You'll never fit.

- Go, go, go, go, go!

- [Whimpering]

- [Grunts]

- Come on!

- Hurry! Come on!

- [Grunting Continues]

What are you doing?

Lars, what are you doing? Hurry!

- [Chanting]

- Lars, please!

- Come on!

- [Chanting Continues]

- Lars, come on! He's coming!

- [Abdomen Squishing]

- Oh, my God!

- [Chanting Quickens]

- He's coming!

- [Rapid Chanting Continues]

[Chanting, Grunts]

- Whew!

- Holy sh*t!

Is that how you escaped

out of that window?

Why dont you

just do that all the time?

Is that a fat joke?

What the hell?

- What the hell, Jenny?

- [Banging]

[Gasps, Shuddering]

[Grunting]

Putman! It was you?

- What? What was me?

- Step back, Putman!

Oh, you actually believe that

I'm the killer. Oh, that's a laugh.

Then what are you doing here?

Well, l just popped by to say...

- Uh...

- You perv.

Really, Jenny, there's a

perfectly reasonable explanation

for all this. I mean...

Well, you see, it seemed like

such a good final memento and...

Well, I... You know how good I think

you look in red, and that little...

- No!

- Oh, dear God! Oh, dear God!

- Where's the key?

- I don't know.

Lock the door!

Lock the door!

[Gasps]

The lock's broken!

Broken?

You've manacled me to my deathbed,

you Piccadilly whore!

- I'm so sorry.

- I could never stay mad at you, Jenny.

Quickly!

Give me the racket! Give me the balls!

- [Lars] Go! Go! Yeah!

- Quickly! Run!

[Jenny]

Get out!

- [Whimpering]

- [Clanging]

Machete Phil! I knew it!

- [Groans]

- [Gasps] Oh, God!

- Oh...

- Oh, God!

- Go.

- N-No!

- Go, dear Jen. Go.

- No!

[Sobs]

Namaste.

F*** off!

- Come on.

- [Groaning]

I'm sorry.

- [Grunts]

- [Ball Bouncing]

[Groans]

[Putman]Ahhh, you!

I should have known it was you!

- Doesn't surprise me a bit, really.

- Damn it, Putman!

- Who is it?

- I'm sure you think

I'll go down without a fight.

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