Clueless Page #5

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Want a ride home?

That would be great. Thanks.

No, I got her.

I'm right below Wilshire and Linden.

That's right near me.

I'm above Olympic.

Great. Tai will go with Summer.

Cher, you'll come with me.

Actually, if you

take Wilshire to Canon,

that turns into Benedict.

Then she'd have to go back south,

and I'm already going north.

But you could take Tai

on your way up to Sunset.

That doesn't make any sense.

I'd have to get off the freeway.

I hate that.

Tai, go with Summer.

Cher, you'll come with me.

Watch your feet.

Didn't Tai look cute tonight?

# Away?

# Turn away?

# Turn away?

I really love her hair

when it's all wild, you know?

It's also very pretty

when it's all up

with that curly tendrils,

like in that picture I took.

You know,

you're one of my best friends,

and I do not have friends

that are girls.

Well, I'm glad, because

your happiness means a lot to me.

It does?

Sure. I saw how hard

your breakup with Folette was.

Yeah. I think we both know

what it feels like to be lonely.

Whatever.

The thing is, I'd really

like to see you settled.

Where are we going?

I knew it.

I knew it.

You knew what?

That you were

totally sprung on me.

Hello? Don't you mean Tai?

Tai?

Her picture's in your locker.

The picture you took

is in my locker.

Oh, I'm having

a Twin Peaks experience.

I knew it when you kissed me.

Suck and blow is a game, Elton.

I know it's a game.

Stop it!

Fine.

You know, I don't get you, Cher.

You flirt with me all year...

As if!

I have been trying

to get you with Tai!

Tai?

Why would I go with Tai?

Why not?

Don't you even know

who my father is?

You are a snob and a half.

Cher, listen to me.

Me and Tai...

we don't make any sense.

All right?

Me and... and you...

well, I mean...

it makes sense.

Cut it out!

Come on!

Stop it!

Cher!

Where you going?

You're only hurting

yourself here, baby.

You going to walk home?

Get back in the car, please.

Get back in the car.

Leave me alone!

Fine!

Hey! Where are you going?

Oh, sh*t!

Valley information.

Do you have a number of a cab company?

Which one?

I don't know. What do you have?

Hand it over.

Give me the phone.

O.K. The bag, too.

Come on!

All right. Now, uh...

get down on the ground face down.

Come on!

Oh, no. You don't understand.

This is an Alaia.

An a-what-a?

It's, like, a totally

important designer.

I will totally

shoot you in the head.

Get down!

That's good.

Yeah. All right.

Um...

Count to 100. Thank you.

1...

2... 3...

The evening had turned

into a royal mess...

sexually harassed,

robbed.

I didn't know the number of the party,

so I couldn't call Dionne,

and Daddy would kill me

if he knew where I was.

There was just one person left to call,

and I really, really

didn't want to call him.

Come on.

Hello?

Josh, you busy?

It's Mel's daughter.

I was at this party,

and my designated driver

tried to attack me.

I got out,

but then he drove off

and deserted me.

Then this guy

with a gun held me up,

took my money and my phone,

yelled at me, and

forced me to ruin my dress.

O.K. O.K.

Um, where are you?

Sun Valley.

Man, you owe me.

The man is ridiculous.

He doesn't have one unique thought

in his little, puny brain.

I think that there's some merit

in learning form straight off.

Oh, Josh, please!

He's taken our minds

at the most fecund point

and restrained them

before they've wandered

through the garden of ideas.

It's just like Hamlet said,

To thine own self be true.

No. Hamlet didn't say that.

I think that I remember

Hamlet accurately.

Well, I remember

Mel Gibson accurately,

and he didn't say that.

That Polonius guy did.

Ha ha ha!

I'm going to walk

Heather to her door.

Try and stay out of trouble.

Ew! My life is turning into

a bigger disaster than Malibu.

I didn't know what

I was going to say to Tai.

I felt really nervous.

Even Fabian, my masseuse,

said I had a lot of tension in my back.

- It's my hips, isn't it?

- No, of course not.

Don't be stupid.

You could do so much better.

He thinks he's all that, Tai.

Yeah. God's gift.

You're too good for him.

If I'm too good for him,

then how come I'm not with him?

I have got an idea.

Let's blow off

seventh and eighth,

go to the mall,

have a calorie fest,

and see the new Christian Slater.

Yes!

Oh, you guys!

Look at him. Ooh, baby.

Break me off a piece of that.

Ha ha ha!

Survey says?

Doable.

Puny. I like them big.

Oh, I hate muscles.

I don't really care either way.

Just as long as his you-know-what

isn't crooked.

I really hate that.

What?

Shh! Don't scare her.

Why? What's wrong?

Cher is saving herself for Luke Perry.

Cher, you're a virgin?

God! You say it like

it's a bad thing.

Besides, the PC term

is hymenally challenged.

I am not interested in doing it

until I find the right person.

You see how picky I am about my shoes.

They only go on my feet.

You're one to talk, Dee.

Oh, wait a minute!

I thought that

you and Murray were...

My man is satisfied.

He's got no cause

for complaints.

But technically,

I am a virgin.

You know what I mean.

Oh, God.

What's wrong, Tai?

They're playing our song...

The one that Elton

and I danced to.

Oh.

# Rollin' with the homies?

Oh, Tai.

Don't cry.

I'm sorry.

Oh, my gosh.

Stop!

I could tell Tai's grieving period

would be considerable,

unless I found someone

to take Elton's place right away.

I don't want to be a traitor

to my generation,

but I don't get how guys dress today.

It looks like they just fell out of bed

and put on some baggy pants

and take their greasy hair... Ugh!

And cover it up with a backwards cap,

and, like, we're expected to swoon?

I don't think so.

Searching for a boy in high school

is as useless as searching for meaning

in a Pauly Shore movie.

So this must be the elusive Christian.

Where should I park?

There's one. Third back.

O.K. O.K.

Now, I know I said

I would find a guy for Tai,

but I suppose there's no harm

in finding one for myself also.

Nice stems.

Thanks.

Cher?

Present.

We established that during attendance.

It's time for your oral.

Excuse me?

Your original oral.

Violence in the media.

Oh!

So, O.K.

The attorney general says

there's too much violence on TV,

and that should stop.

Even if you took out

all the violent shows,

you could still see the news.

So until mankind

is peaceful enough

not to have violence on the news,

there's no point

in taking it out of shows

that need it for entertainment value.

Thank you.

Any comments? Elton?

My foot hurts.

Can I go to the nurse?

Travis?

Two very enthusiastic thumbs up.

Fine holiday fun.

Hello? Was I the only one listening?

I mean, I thought it reeked.

I believe that was

your designer impostor perfume.

I dug it.

During the next few days,

I did what any normal girl would do.

I sent myself love letters

and flowers and candy,

just so he'd see how desired I was

in case he didn't already know.

# He got the finest face I ever seen?

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