Cluny Brown Page #5

in a lounge suit across the dinner table.

Well, uh...

Wore a lounge suit myself

once at dinner in Naples.

Went slumming.

Didrt want to shock the natives.

Oh, um, shall we go in?

Andrew will lend you

a dinner jacket, Professor.

He has two.

It doesn't matter tonight, but, as a favour, if...

Oh, it's not really important,

but you see, my husband likes me

to dress for dinner.

But if you didn't dress, he couldn't

and if he couldn't, then of course, I wouldn't.

How simple and charming

you make everything.

- May I say something?

- Oh, please.

Go ahead, Belinski.

"This royal throne of kings, this sceptr'd isle.

"This other Eden, demi-paradise.

"This land of such dear souls,

this dear, dear land.

"This blessed plot, this Earth, this realm,

this England."

To Shakespeare.

- How well you speak English, Professor.

- Flows right out of him.

- English is the universal tongue.

- That's what I call clear thinking.

As a young man, my dear parents sent me

on a tour round the world.

I left speaking English,

came back speaking English.

Never spoke a word of anything else

the whole time.

English is my husband's hobby.

Yes, my husband enjoyed travelling.

You know I didn't, darling.

I went to St Petersburg and saw the Tsar.

I went to Constantinople and saw the Sultan.

And when I got home, I took a good look

at the first London bobby I saw

and thanked my stars.

If a man has a home, he should stick to it.

Now I'm a natural cosmopolitan.

If one never gets out of one's own country,

one becomes quite pot-bound.

Personally, I should like to spend

several months abroad.

Mmm-mmm.

Mmm-mmm.

What?

Don't eat that piece, sir.

This one on the right, much better.

What?

It hasn't so much fat

and it's browner and bigger.

You won't regret it, sir.

(GASPING) Nuts to the squirrels!

I'm very sorry, milady.

Outrageous, preposterous,

strikes me speechless!

- A maid choosing my mutton for me.

- She will be dismissed immediately, sir.

Oh, one moment, Sir Henry.

You took the piece she suggested.

May I ask you why?

Uh, because the other piece

had a blob of fat on it.

And this one is browner, leaner and bigger,

and you liked it better.

And hang it all, it's just not done.

What a pity.

It should have been done long ago.

Does it occur to you that for generations

the lords of Carmel have probably eaten

the wrong piece of mutton?

That's a very interesting way of looking at it.

Besides, it's so difficult to get domestics

to come to the country nowadays.

Well, she needrt have dropped the platter

and insulted my friend.

- What was it she said to you?

- I remember very well, sir.

It was, if I may take the liberty of repeating it,

"Nuts to the squirrels".

Doesrt make sense.

No, it doesn't.

It should be "Squirrels to the nuts".

But I have an open mind

and if someone says to me,

"Nuts to the squirrels," I accept it.

You may be inclined to say that to me

yourself someday, when you know me better,

and I'm not so sure

that you will include the squirrels.

That's much too deep for me, Belinski.

If I may say so, milady, the sooner

the young woman is dismissed, the better.

Oh, please, Mr Syrette,

I know that in the policies of the kitchen,

the balance of power rests with you.

I also know that as a guardian

of English customs and traditions,

this young woman has offended

your sensibilities.

But permit me to quote someone to whom

everything English was also dear.

"The quality of mercy is not straird.

"It droppeth as a gentle rain from heaven."

To Shakespeare.

- I've never seen my husband so stimulated.

- Well, he's a very stimulating man himself.

Yes, he is. I hope you'll be comfortable.

Syrette will valet you.

Dear Lady Carmel,

I have so little to offer a valet.

But would you mind letting Syrette?

So as not to hurt his feelings.

Very well. I have two suits.

This and Andrew's dinner jacket.

- They're both at Syrette's disposal.

- Thank you. I hope you sleep well, Professor.

Oh, by the way,

there's a nightingale under your window.

Oh, you should not have gone

to so much trouble.

- Goodnight, Professor.

- Goodnight, Lady Carmel.

"Dear Uncle Arn,

"I served my first dinner tonight.

"Mutton."

Oh, Uncle Arn!

Good evening, Cluny.

Oh, Cluny, I'm so sorry I upset you.

- How do you do, Mr Belinski?

- For heavers sake, how did you get here?

To Friars Carmel of all places.

Tell me, what happened?

It's all Uncle Arn.

- You remember my uncle, don't you?

- Yes.

Oh, but what's the use?

Here I am in a uniform.

- Oh, Mr Belinski!

- Oh, now, now, Cluny.

Look at me, I'm here, too,

and I haven't even got an uncle.

And after all, you are at least a maid.

I'm only a guest.

And I will have to wear a uniform, too,

a dinner jacket.

But I don't want to be a maid all my life.

I'll go on and on dropping platters,

putting hot water bottles into cold beds,

and having Wednesday afternoon off

in the village,

- where the cinema opens only at night.

- What about me, Cluny?

I'm a city man.

I love cars and traffic and lights.

Smoke in my lungs.

What have I got? A big-mouthed nightingale

right under my window.

Oh, it's so good to talk to someone

who's out of place, too.

Yes, Cluny. Talk to me at any time.

- Open your heart to me.

- Ditto.

Oh, Mr Belinski!

(SOBBING)

Please forgive me, Mr Belinski.

I don't know what came over me.

It isn't as if you were my type.

Believe me, you aren't.

I'm sure I'm not. I understand perfectly.

You were just happy to find a friend here

and so am I.

We must go on being friends.

And as we are not our types,

that should be easy.

You know, we're like two people

on a desert island,

waiting for a ship to rescue us.

That's right, Cluny, but, um...

You know how it is on a desert island.

You wait and wait,

and then you don't wait any more.

Cluny Brown, let's admit it, we're in danger.

Today we are not our types,

but as time passes,

we might not look so bad to each other.

If we are at Friars Carmel long enough,

who knows?

You might even find me tolerable

and I might find you the most

beautiful creature in the whole county.

It's not much of a county,

but that's all we'll have.

Oh, no, that must never happen, Mr Belinski.

You must never become a victim

of my circumstances

and if you should ever seem romantic to me,

don't hesitate, just kick me.

- Yes. Let's kick each other.

- It's a pact.

- I feel so safe.

- Good.

Well, I think I'd better go now.

- Why don't you use the stairs?

- Excellent idea.

I can't thank you enough.

Ah, I feel so much better.

- Have a good night's sleep, Cluny.

- I think I will.

How lucky that we met in that flat.

I wish I were back there right now.

I wish I could roll up my sleeves

and roll down my stockings

and unloosen the join.

Bang, bang, bang!

Well, I think I'll go to my room now

and let the nightingale bang me to sleep.

- Goodnight, Cluny.

- Goodnight.

Well, Mrs Maile?

I agree with you, Mr Syrette, but then...

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