Cluny Brown Page #6

It's so difficult to get girls

to come to the country.

What do you expect?

A maid without references

and a foreigner who isn't even in

the diplomatic service.

I hesitated to tell you,

but now I believe I should.

This foreign gentleman rose at dinner

and addressed me directly.

- Oh, no.

- Yes, Mrs Maile.

Sir Henry and Lady Carmel's guest

spoke to me as an equal.

- Goodnight, Mr Syrette.

- Goodnight, Mrs Maile.

Good afternoon, Constable.

- Good afternoon, Birkin.

- Mr Pentlock.

- Cluny!

- Oh, hello, Mr Belinski.

Just look at you, violets on your shoulders,

roses in your cheeks,

and a garden on your head.

What's the occasion?

- Don't you know?

- It's your birthday.

- No.

- It isn't my birthday, is it?

Oh, Mr Belinski, don't you know

what day this is?

- I've lost count.

- It's Wednesday.

Is it?

Oh, Mr Belinski, it's my day off,

from 3:
00 to 7:00.

Oh, of course. Perfect.

No wonder I've always loved Wednesdays.

From 3:
00 to 7:00, four hours all to ourselves.

240 minutes and if you think of it in seconds...

I'll cancel all my engagements.

In fact, I'll ignore them.

- Cluny, the village is ours.

- Well, it's awfully sweet of you, Mr Belinski,

but I think I should tell you,

something has happened.

- What?

- You know Mrs Maile suffers from rheumatism.

- You haven't caught it, have you?

- Oh, no.

But you see, if Mrs Maile hadrt sent me

to the chemist's shop for Pear Tree's liniment,

I might never have met Mr Wilson,

the chemist.

That's the way things happen. Think of it.

Mrs Maile's swollen knee might change

my whole life.

Oh, is it as bad as that, Cluny?

Well, I don't know.

What would you think if a gentleman

invited you to tea

- and to meet his mother, too?

- I wouldn't go.

But I've already accepted

and I'm certain I did the right thing.

I'm sure you did.

You know, Mr Wilsors the only chemist

around here for miles and miles.

Oh, it's so exciting to meet a man who's

surrounded by hundreds of bottles

and every one of them life or death.

Mr Wilson hinted

when we get better acquainted,

he might let me watch him

make up a prescription.

- But this is confidential.

- Your secret will be buried with me.

Well, Cluny, it looks as if

your ship has come in.

The glass of beer I was going to offer you

seems awfully flat

beside all those bottles and phials,

filled with magic.

Well, have a good time, my dear.

Thank you.

- Goodbye, Mr Belinski.

- Goodbye, Cluny.

(SHOP BELL RINGING)

Uh, no, let us repeat it once again,

Mrs Watkins.

Tilt Master Richard's head back

and squeeze one drop of the astringent

into each nostril three times a day.

Miss Brown.

You're sure his nose will stop running,

Mr Wilson?

Mrs Watkins, it may interest you to know

that after the use of one bottle

of my nasal bath,

the Marquis of Barrocamir,

a distinguished speaker,

was for the first time clearly understood when

he addressed the House of Lords last week.

- Two shillings, please.

- Thank you, Mr Wilson. Come, Richard.

- Good afternoon, Miss Brown.

- Good afternoon, Mr Wilson.

Well, Miss Brown, I could relish

a crumpet or two. And you?

- Ditto.

- Then, uh, shall we step into the parlour?

- Oh, Mr Wilson, didn't you notice anything?

- Uh, notice what?

The way I look.

Well, I remarked about it

the last time I saw you.

- I said you looked intelligent.

- Oh, no, that's not what I mean.

Here, the garden on my head.

Well, I don't object to it myself,

but my mother might think it a little frivolous.

Oh.

- Well, then, I'd better take it off.

- Oh, thank you. I hope you understand.

I do. I should have been satisfied

to look intelligent.

Then, uh, shall we?

Oh, what an elegant room.

Well, it's not Buckingham Palace,

but it's Wilsors little castle.

You might enjoy looking at this picture,

Miss Brown.

It's painted by hand.

Poor little sheep.

It hasn't much future, has it? Just mutton.

And where would England be without it?

If I was a sheep, I should be proud

to serve the empire.

Now, Miss Brown, would you like to know

where you are?

Yes, I would.

Then let us have a glance

at the map of our valley.

Just look at that.

Are they battle flags?

Well, not exactly a battle, Miss Brown,

but a victory, nevertheless.

Uh, this is where I was born

and this is where we are at this very moment.

And this is where I intend to remain

for the rest of my life.

Here in this very house.

Oh, you have everything so perfectly planned.

- But what if the house burns down?

- I've considered that, too.

It won't. I've taken every precaution.

You may have noticed

the lightning rod on the roof.

Moltors Imperial Pinpoint, the very best.

And, uh, if I should ever be blessed

with little Wilsons,

I should expect Mrs Wilson

to keep matches away from them.

That isn't asking too much, is it?

Oh, no. I think that's the least

Mr Wilson could expect from Mrs Wilson.

Now I shall call my mother.

Oh, however, if in spite of all my provisions

a slight blaze should occur,

it may reassure you to know

that I am chief of the Friars Carmel

Volunteer Fire Department.

- Oh, Mr Wilson, you aren't!

- I am.

It would be almost won'th a fire

to see you in action.

Thank you, Miss Brown.

Mother?

Mother?

MRS WILSON:
(CLEARING THROAT)

(THROAT CLEARING CONTINUES)

Mother's been resting.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Mother, I want you to meet our guest,

Miss Brown.

(CONTINUES CLEARING THROAT)

And now, Miss Brown,

if you have no objection,

I shall play something on the harmonium.

Oh, you play the harmonium, too?

Is there anything you don't do, Mr Wilson?

You have your choice,

Sweet Alice Ben Bolt

or Flow Gently Sweet Afton.

They're both so beautiful.

I wish you'd decide for me, Mr Wilson.

Then shall we say Sweet Alice

and maybe Sweet Afton as an encore?

Ready, Miss Brown?

(PLAYING SWEET ALICE BEN BOLT)

(STORE DOORBELL CHIMING)

Oh, a client.

I'm awfully glad you finished the song

before the bell rang.

I should have finished it in any case.

(PLAYS SHORT TUNE)

You think I'm going out

to attend to the client at once, don't you?

- Well, aren't you?

- No. No, indeed.

(REPEATS SHORT TUNE)

It is the privilege

of a successful establishment

to keep the client on edge.

He's so grateful when you do arrive.

(PLAYS BASS NOTE)

I'm glad you're so responsive to music,

Miss Brown.

When you were playing,

it did something to me.

I saw you in your firemars hat,

climbing up a steep ladder and saving a child.

It was all so beautiful and brave.

Thank you, Miss Brown.

Oh, I remember now.

I have a client, haven't I?

Excuse me.

Yes. What can I... Hello? Hello?

Outrageous.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Mother's taken a great liking to you.

How do you know? She didn't say anything.

That's the point.

Mother doesn't waste words on flattery.

- Lf she speaks, it's to correct faults.

- Oh.

I like your mother, too.

Once or twice,

I thought she was going to smile at me.

She likes to see a young lady

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