Cockneys Vs Zombies Page #3

Now, where's the f***ing money?

I'll give you the money,

just please don't hurt me.

- Get up!

- Not you, Davey.

Look for about ten grey security bags,

should be a cut of hundred

grand in there easy.

Move.

Right, so, if we take two

bags each, then, uh...

What's all this?

Two and a half million. All of Heartman

Construction's payroll and profit.

- F*** me.

- Granddad's gonna kill us.

That's too much.

Old Bill will never stop chasing us.

Too much? You having a f***ing jill-off?

We can retire right now.

Retire? You don't even

have a f***ing job.

This is my f***ing job!

I mean... we're here, you know,

might as well take it.

Let's do it.

Andy.

Jesus!

We're gonna go down in history.

Easiest armed robbery ever.

Drop your weapons,

and get down on the ground!

On the ground! Now!

Come on, you f***ing sluts!

Get down!

Stop shooting, Mickey!

They were gonna f***ing nick us, right!

We ain't got time for a p*ssy fallback!

Can't we just say, it was a mistake and

we didn't mean it. No hard feelings.

Well, it doesn't f***ing work

like that, does it, Andy?!

Ain't there a back door?!

Sh*t, we're trapped.

No, we ain't marked off yet.

Everybody, get down! This is a robbery!

Shut up!

Fill up them security bags,

before I blow your f***ing head off!

You want more?! There's two and

a half million quid outside!

This is easier to carry.

We gotta run now!

- Terry.

- What?! Mickey! what?!

I'm gonna get us out of here!

F***ing hell, mate!

I don't f***ing think so!

You lost you f***ing marbles?

Give that back!

F*** off, mate! You let this off,

we're all f***ing dead!

Just back off and let

me think for a second!

Come out with your hands on your head,

and you won't be harmed!

Suck my f***ing chocolate dick!

F***ing hell!

Are you all right? Oh, my God!

What's going on?

Everybody out the front door!

Everybody out!

What are you doing?!

Outside! Outside!

Have some of this, twinkle toes.

Peggy! Peggy! Come on!

Tuppence, you're the expert,

go and have a look.

I'm not looking. You look.

- Andy, go and have a look.

- What?

I can't see through these glasses, mate.

Out of the way, wankers, move.

I'll sort this out.

Ow! Ow! Get off me, you big dickbag!

Don't try any funny sh*t.

What the f*** are you doing?!

We're not taking any hostages!

No, it's a bad idea.

Maybe you ain't,

- but I am. Up!

- Oh, no.

I'm no use as a hostage.

I have a heart condition.

I can drop dead if I get stressed.

Stay calm then, you muppet.

Right! We're coming out!

And we've got hostages! Move!

Might as well follow him now.

And that can f*** right off!

- Mickey!

- What's going on?

- Zombies.

- Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

He's eating a foot!

It's f***ing disgusting.

F*** this. All right, grab the money.

Grab the money!

All right, let's get into the van!

Andy, come on, hurry up!

Put the bags in the back!

Come on.

Please! Don't leave me

here with these things!

- Andy, get in the van!

- Andy, get in here!

What're you doing?!

Jesus f***ing Christ!

Well, I couldn't just

leave her, could I?!

- Drive!

- I can't start the f***ing van!

Unbelievable.

How are you?

She's dead!

What's going on?! What's going on?!

- She's dead!

- F***ing get rid of her then!

Hands off me, you mental b*tch!

Mental, do something!

Say "hello" to Tracy, you shitbag!

Yes!

Sorry, Terry, I put her in.

That's my bad.

Mickey, don't ever fire

that gun indoors again!

You see that, Tuppence?! Told you, mate!

Nobody messes with my Tracy. Mwah.

What the f*** was that?!

Why didn't you check to make sure

they didn't put a dye pack in?

What's a dye pack?!

The thing that just exploded.

That's a dye pack!

Calm down! We'll be there in a minute!

Let's lock the bleeding doors!

Where do we go now? Upstairs?

- No, we'll be f***ed, up there! Um...

- Oh... Where?

- Back door!

- Back door, right.

Come on, let's go.

We can't go that way either.

Peggy, kick him.

The bastards are everywhere.

Eric, shut that door!

Darryl, drum those shut!

Doreen, lock that back door!

Close everything!

All right, Tuppence, here you go.

Close the gate. Go on, son.

All right, Andy, Katy, grab the bags!

You two muppets, in there!

Aah! I've got a gun.

A little slow.

Is that as fast as they go?

I thought they run really quick.

Mate, they're dead. They're not

exactly gonna sprint, are they?

Fine, come on then, you f***ing muppet!

Oh yeah, hard guy, are ya?

Have some of this then, you prick!

That's how you do it.

Owww! He f***ing bit me!

You've gotta get them in the head.

Shut up. How'd you even know that?

Everyone knows that.

Come here.

Is that even actually possible?

You've pulled my f***ing skin off.

Can't exactly leave it there, can ya?

- Oh...

- What? Whoa, there's another one!

What the f***?

- Oh!

- Oh, rot!

Come here, little fella.

Easy, mate, come on.

Oi! You little sh*t.

No, too much! Too f***ing

much in one day, surely!

Never liked kids anyway.

Okay, get in!

Right, Andy, Tuppence,

put the bags there and there!

Katy! Get on the phone and try and

get a hold of anyone, all right?

- Get in the chair!

- Sit down.

Don't move.

Mickey, you all right, mate?

Your arm looks a little bit dodgy.

Yeah, bruv. F***ing good as gold, bruv.

So, no shooting and no hostages.

Job well done, boys.

Don't blame me, trick, oh yeah?!

The pigs come! I improvised!

- And f***ed your ear, eh?

- Easy.

- F*** you.

- Relax.

So... shall we jump in

the car and head off then?

No, no, no, we can't just go running off

until we know exactly what's happened,

all right? This...

wasn't exactly part of the plan.

Nothing... sh*t reception.

Worse than New Year's eve.

- Sh*t!

- Have you tried the radio?

- What?

- The radio.

We ain't got a radio.

Yeah, you have a radio in the van.

No, she's right.

You was listening to Dido.

Yeah, all right,

I'll go check it out, um...

- I'll come with ya.

- Yeah.

You, keep an eye on them.

Watch Mr. Bean, all right?

Mental's been bitten. He's gonna

turn into one of those things.

Yeah, he's still alive though.

Doesn't matter. His arm's

going grey. He's gonna turn.

He's a f***ing liability.

- What're you saying?

- He needs to be shot.

F***ing hell, Katy!

You're a bit eager to shoot people.

Look, I don't want to shoot people,

but I'll happily shoot

somebody who's already dead.

He's not f***ing dead!

Fine! Don't say I didn't

warn you when he turns.

This is an emergency broadcast.

There is a viral infection concentrated

on the East End of London,

and spreading fast through the capital.

The army have sealed off the East

End to try and contain the virus...

- What are you up to later?

- What?

Well, you fancy maybe coming to

get a drink with me or something.

Are you out of your mind?

You just kidnapped me.

You threatened me with guns.

You've put me in danger.

Yeah, sorry about that. I mean some

girls are into that sort of thing.

Not you, obviously. Uh, I just mean...

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