Colin Quinn: The New York Story Page #6

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Hed come in. Gimme a sandwich.

Whoa. Hes not makin my sandwich anymore.

This kid, hes stingy with the relish.

This little--

You make it. Like hes givin the guy

a treat. You make it from now on.

Directions, you know.

Now you got Google Maps, Waze. Five--

Its dispassionate.

Make a left. Go 500 feet.

Stop. Make a U-turn. Congratulations,

youve reached your destination.

In the old days,

you had to find directions guy.

Every couple of blocks, there was a guy,

pretty effective, be out there.

Miserable. Didnt get along with his wife.

So he was always standing outside,

waiting... for somebody.

You pull up. Hey, this guy looks

like he knows where he...

Where you tryin to get to?

He had to shame you. Part of the ritual.

Youre like, The Van Wyck.

The Van Wyck?

Howd you get here if youre tryin

to get to the Van Wyck?

You cant even answer that question.

He starts tellin other people. This

guys tryin to get to the Van Wyck.

This guys not helpful. Wheres he comin

from? What does that have to do with it?

The Van Wyck.

The whole blocks embarrassed.

Then he starts grandstanding

cause hes got you now.

The kids are in the back. You kids okay

with this guy drivin? Shut up.

And, yeah. The difference was,

like I said, negativity.

Thats what makes humorous characters.

New York was supposed

to be a negative town.

A city of misery and complaint.

Thats the whole point.

And the positive people

were the psychopaths back then.

Cause they just came out of some program.

Youd see them on the streets.

How you doin?

Im doin great. How are you?

I shouldve crossed the street.

I forgot this...

I heard your girlfriend left you.

Blessing in disguise.

Heard you lost your job.

Best thing that ever happened to me.

Oh, Jesus.

Now people try to be positive.

I see them all the time.

They come, move here.

My building-- Guys get in the elevator,

f***in lacrosse equipment.

Whats up, man? Nothin.

So whats goin on?

Same thing thats up, coincidentally.

Nothing.

This guy goes to me the other day,

I swear to God, in New York City--

It was sunny.

How much are you lovin this sun?

Not as much as you are apparently,

cause... you seem to be loving it

like an Aztec priest after an eclipse.

Calm down.

Ive seen the sun, like, 2,000 times.

Im over it. Ill be honest with you.

I got it when I was young. The sun.

The only thing

that does create New Yorkers

out of all the people that move here,

thank God for the true misery creator,

right here, this makes...

You take... if you cant see it.

This... takes nice, Midwestern girls,

peppy, life coach,

motivational speaker personalities--

Nine months, youre walkin,

that hits your hips, like eight times a--

Like six times a month,

youre like, Sh*t.

Oh, yeah.

Im rat in a rat race. I forgot.

Cause you can take the nicest girls.

Theyre all chirpy, happy.

After nine months on that subway--

One day, youre on the subway, theyre

on the subway, you hear the announcement.

Sorry for the delay. Someone jumped

on the tracks and killed themselves.

And theyre like,

You gotta be shittin me right now.

What the hell?

Cause its ugly. That turnstile...

First of all, no one ever lets you in.

Theyre off the train.

They dont need to hurry,

and they still wont let you go in

when youre tryin to catch the train.

You have to wait for somebody whose eyes

look weak and vulnerable enough.

You have to make 'em...

Some middle-aged Canadian

tourist lady, and youre like--

Yeah.

Thats not nice.

Shes like, Sorry. Oh, my God.

Yeah, youre sorry.

And you go down to the train.

The train closes in your face.

I hate-- The train close--

Movin away. People just look at you.

They dont even look like, Sorry.

They just look at you like...

Or if youre on the local and the express

is there, and it just pulls away.

Instead of waiting the extra 30 seconds

till people can get off. Come on.

Unless Im on the express.

Then Im like, Lets go! Quick, before--

You hope the conductor doesnt see

the local comin for some reason.

Like, Eh, lets go.

Yeah, cause I think Im better

than people if Im on the express.

I think Im better than the people on--

I mean, literally, they walk

across the platform tryin to catch--

They look like suckers, like this.

F***in idiots.

Pleading eyes. Weak.

And the subway in the old days,

it was so psychotic.

There was more of a bond.

It was more of a community.

Like, no guy would ever sit

if a woman was standing.

Cause, you know.

The guy could be 103 years old,

just got out of the emergency room,

still got the hospital bracelet on.

Female Olympic athlete.

Everybodys like,

Get up. Give her your seat.

Now, guys, because of the iPad,

they can pretend they dont see.

Got the headphones, sitting there.

A womans nine months pregnant.

The fetus is kickin me in the forehead.

Hes like, I didnt feel it.

You dont feel that, you son of a b*tch?

Heres the difference. The subway now--

There are poems on the subway.

The MTA puts up the darling buds of May.

The city awakens

from its slumber of winter.

In those days, the MTA put up signs

all over. Saw them a hundred times.

Remember, its chain-snatching season.

So...

So tuck your jewelry into your clothing

and turn your rings around

so the stones dont show.

Thats the mentality.

It wasnt:
Its chain-snatching season,

so if you see something,

yell for a transit cop, the conductor.

No. Its:
Its chain-snatching season.

Somebodys about to get robbed.

Make it not be you. Better them than you.

Tuck your sh*t in so its not you.

Its gonna happen, but it might not

happen to you if you tuck sh*t.

The subway was so bad,

people would blame you if you got jumped.

Youd come back, cut.

I got jumped on the subway.

What happened? I was on the last car.

Last car? You deserved what you got.

Only an idiot would go on the last car.

Even the transit cops wouldnt go

on the last car.

Theyd be like, Is that the last car?

Im not going in.

The whole city had, like, this other vibe.

All the things you say now,

the associations then were--

A talk show host would be like,

I was in Central Park.

Everybody would be like, Oh-ho.

That was a joke that you got mugged.

Not at night. Like, anytime. Central Park.

If you told somebody,

I saw your mother on 42nd Street,

they would physically try to kill you.

That was the biggest insult you could say.

Your mother was on 42nd Street.

People would fight all the time over that.

Now, theyd be like, Yeah. She works--

The New York Times building is there.

They got the Graduate Center.

Shes doin something

with Playwrights Horizons. I dont know.

Times Square was freakin--

Times Square, youd get off the train.

Port Authority, walk outside.

The pimps would be lined up

like Citi Bikes.

Theyd be lined up where the Citi Bikes

are now.

All of them just standing there.

A couple of empty slots.

42nd Street was porno, drug dealers,

and then, like,

20 shirtless guys with nunchakus.

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