Colin Quinn: The New York Story Page #8

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The first immigrant resident of Manhattan

was a Dominican,

a Dominican trader named Juan Rodriguez.

Thats a true thing.

Some trader whos like,

I come to trade. You dont wanna trade.

I dont wanna argue with you,

but I came here. I bring sugar.

And you wanna hand me...

I dont want beads. I go home and then--

Theyre gonna think its gang-related.

I dont f*** around.

Some Dominican, he was the first

Manhattan resident, basically,

except for the Lenape Indians,

was a Dominican trader.

Russia-- How do you think

Russians lasted here?

Theyre more sarcastic than all of us.

You ever try to small talk a Russian?

Im at the Sheeps Head Bay train station.

Beautiful Russian girl.

Boy, this train is late.

Yes, and mindless chatter

will not accelerate.

Yeah.

Albanians?

Albanians, big part of New York.

Im not even gonna say anything

about Albanians.

And that should say everything

you need to know about Albanians.

You know.

East Indians? East Indians.

Friendly everywhere else.

New York? They had to learn how to fight.

And Im saying-- They fight.

Theyll never raise their voice.

But they always gotta get the last word.

The guys outta the store.

The troubles over.

They gotta get a shot.

It brings them back.

The guys drunk.

Hes like, F*** you, Bin Laden.

Hes like, Okay, sir. Go and smoke crack.

I dont know where you're gonna--

The guys like,

What did you just f***in say to me?

Nothing, sir. Please leave.

I dont want trouble. Just shut up.

All right. You are uneducated person.

I understand.

Even you go in jail,

your family happy and relieved too.

Arabs. When I was growing up,

there were a lot of Arab candy store,

grocery stores in Park Slope.

And all the Arab stores--

Even as kids, we knew,

dont rob the Arab store

unless you absolutely--

the other stores banned you or something.

All the other stores,

you run out with the candy. You shopli--

The owner runs three feet. Hes out

of breath. Im callin the cops.

Arab guy-- First, you go in the store,

there was never anybody else in there.

Its always deserted.

Hes 130 pounds, lookin at you.

And then he realizes, these kids arent

buyin anything. Theyre here to shoplift.

You see a look come over his face.

It wasnt fear. It wasnt anger.

It was, like, calm.

Just like,

I see. Now, my destiny is this.

Usually, Id chicken out right then.

Once in a while youre like,

Aw, screw that, and run.

He starts chasing you. You turn around

two blocks later, still chasin.

You drop the candy.

He doesnt stop for his own candy.

Cause now its not even about that.

Its about a principle.

You know, like a... Code of Hammurabi.

Like, his store--

Its like eye for an eye.

Tooth for a Three Musketeers bar.

You know.

But that was the beauty of New York was--

It still is.

You can go into a store,

youre in another country.

You walk in. The guys Pakistani,

got a beard down to here.

In the back, the uncle.

Everyones sittin on crates

playin a card game that was outlawed

during the Crimean War or some sh*t.

You know?

And, gettin a cab--

Before stupid Taxi TV--

Every time Id go in a cab,

youre in a different country.

The guys, like, on the phone to Senegal.

Theres some music playin

from Central African Republic.

Theres a little amulet from,

like, his village when he left.

Theyre like, Good luck.

Its a big deal. Its a drama-- To him--

Like, you see him, hes livin, like,

five people sleeping in shifts.

But he goes home once a year, Senegal.

Hes like LeBron

when he went back to Cleveland.

Hes the star of the village.

Theyre like, I told you he was gonna

come back. You said he wasnt, see?

The amazing thing is everybody

from every country packed

in a little city.

One-hundred-sixty languages

in Queens alone.

But youre not supposed

to mention ethnicity of course.

Thats the other problem.

You just have to vaguely look around

and golf clap.

If you see something, youre not

supposed to have a reaction to it.

Even if its another culture

and it shocks you at the beginning.

Forgive me. If Im walking

on Roosevelt Avenue,

and I see a couple of Ecuadorean guys

in cowboy boots,

carryin 50 slaughtered guinea pigs

on Sixth-- Ive seen it.

Like Apocalypse Now.

Just all these skulls of guinea pigs.

I reel back, almost knock over the guy

on his prayer mat,

doing his call to Mecca next

to the food cart.

If I go, Oh, my God, a well-intentioned

white person scurries over

to explain cultural relativity to me.

You know...

hillbillies also cure their food,

and theyre hyper-religious.

I dont know if you realize.

So you shouldnt say...

Im like, Thank you.

Where once I was blind, now I can see.

Thank you.

Until you came along, I dont know what--"

Because they want, you know, everything

to be authentic, artisanal, vinyl,

but when it comes to ethnicity,

go generic-speak at all times.

I was in Brooklyn once.

This kid got mad at me.

Hes like, You see somebody pass here?

Whatd he look like?

Whatd he look like?

He had a green shirt,

a brown tie, blue jacket.

What color was he?

I dont see color, all right?

I mean, if you dont want to see color,

go to Brooklyn. Its 100% white now.

When did that happen?

I mean...

Brooklyns so white,

they have Black Lives Matter protests,

half the protesters are white,

in Brooklyn.

Ive seen white kids yelling,

Black lives matter, at black cops.

And theyre tryin to...

Theyre tryin to say...

Theyre tryin to say,

Im tryin to protect you from yourself.

I go on the L--

When I was a kid, L train...

Wouldnt go near the L train.

You couldnt catch me on the L train.

You know... I go on the L train now,

2:
00 in the morning,

it looks like a ski lift.

Kids with iPads out.

iPads, cell phones.

Like, $400, in their hands.

When I was growing up, any train,

immediately, your money in your underwear,

your bus pass in your--

Now, theyre sittin there,

$400 basically. A train full of kids.

And you know theres gotta be one guy

who was in jail since 1979.

Just got out. Hes on the L train

goin to stay at his mothers.

And he was, like,

the hardcore gangbanger.

Hes, like, the guy

that killed Mike Tysons pigeons.

Hes just half asleep and wakes up

and sees a car full of white kids

holding $400 in their hand.

He probably just starts crying.

This is all I ever wanted when I was a--

I had to go to the Upper East Side

to find white people.

In those days, there were no blond people.

The only blond people were-- Greenpoint

was all Polish. But nobody ever saw it.

You just heard about this place

called Greenpoint.

Nobody would be on the G train. That was

like, What are you doin? G train?

Its packed now.

In those days, it was deserted.

And Polish people, who also contributed

a lot-- They were big immigrants.

They contributed a lot to New York.

I didnt talk about them.

In those days,

people would make Polish jokes.

Talk about stereotype.

They used to say Polish people are stupid.

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