College Road Trip Page #4

I do well in school.

What's the worst thing I've done?

Dance around with my friends

at a party?

Party? When did you go to a party?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Phone.

If that's your mother, tell her

we're having a good time. All right?

Okay. Hello?

Oh, my gosh. The cutest guy just

drove by us, and Katie was like...

Ooh!

And he was like, "Ew."

- And we were like, "Whatever."

- "Whatever."

So, how's family bonding?

Oh, it's great.

Yeah, we just left Northwestern,

and my dad Tasered

one of his own deputies.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

- Congratulations!

- Congratulations!

- Nancy says congratulations.

- Thank you, Nancy.

He says thank you.

No, he can't hear what you said.

I know.

(LAUGHING)

I know! I know.

I know.

I know! I know!

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

Oh, girl, my battery's dying. Hold on.

Thank you.

Hello? Yes, I'm back. Where were we?

(SQUEALS) I know!

Are you serious?

Construction?

We're off-schedule as it is.

We're never gonna be able

to make it to Pitt in time.

- We're gonna have to use the siren.

- Absolutely not.

No one touches my siren.

Dad, desperate times

call for desperate measures.

Mel, getting to a slumber party

is not an emergency, okay?

Now reach in my bag

and hand me P-GPS.

What's P-GPS?

Police Global Positioning System.

Why don't you just call it

"Police G-P-S"?

Because its name is P-GPS.

Okay, Dad. Here you go.

There you go, P-GPS. Oh, P-GPS.

P-GPS, route fastest time to l-23.

AUTOMATED VOICE:

Calculating distance to l-23.

- Thank you, P-GPS.

- Thank you!

- No. Thank you.

- Thank you!

- No. Thank you.

- Thank you!

(WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS

PLAYING)

- At the next intersection, turn right.

- P-GPS.

At the next intersection, turn right.

At the next intersection, turn right.

Next intersect... The next...

(WARPING) Turn right. Turn right.

Dad, I think P-GPS is broken,

because my map says

that we're supposed to be going

the other way.

Are you gonna believe a piece of paper

or a $40-million satellite?

Bet Grandma's right around the corner.

(HISSING)

(WOLF HOWLING)

Love what Grandma's

done with the place.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Thank you!

This is nothing. Don't worry.

I'll have this fixed, and we'll be back

on the tiny dirt path in no time.

- Trey, what are you doing?

- Going to DC.

You told me to take the note

to the Secretary myself.

Have you been hiding in here

the whole time?

You could have suffocated.

I built an air ventilation system.

I could have survived for weeks.

I meant, "we" could have survived.

You'll be lucky to survive

into next week,

once your mother and I

get through with you.

No service.

You just bought yourself

a stay of execution, boy.

(SQUEALING)

(GRUNTS)

- TREY:
Come on, Albert.

- Dad, what are we gonna do with him?

I have the most important interview

of my life,

and I don't want Einstein and Porky

along for the ride.

What do you want me to do, Mel?

We're in the middle of nowhere.

We could leave him in the woods and

a nice family of wolves will adopt him.

- Dad, Dad!

- Oh!

(CRASHING)

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Thank you.

(GRUNTING)

Dad, what are you doing?

I'm just gonna rock this thing over,

and we'll be on our way.

I just need a little momentum.

One! Two!

(GROANING)

Something popped.

Something popped.

Dad, do you need

that man-girdle thing you wear?

I thought that was Mom's.

(SQUEALING)

- Now, what's his problem?

- I think he hears something.

What is it, Albert?

Do you hear something?

(GRUNTING)

Is it trouble?

(GRUNTING)

Is it a fire?

Is Jimmy stuck in the well?

(SQUEALING)

Jimmy!

He's been watching

a lot of Lassie reruns.

TREY:
Albert says

there's a road up ahead.

I think I see a road over there.

Aha! Albert was right.

(GRUNTING)

See, Mel? Told you everything

was gonna work out.

This place looks nice.

MELANIE:
Oh, no pets allowed.

Looks like Albert has a problem.

But, Dad, Albert's a member

of this family.

Not by blood.

Now, this is the only hotel for 30 miles.

We don't have a car, and I'm tired.

(SQUEALING)

(SNIFFLES)

Okay. Do you have any ideas?

I have a thought.

ARCARA:
I am dumping a lot of coin

on this wedding,

and I was told that they'll be

throwing rice at my little angel.

Yeah. I know.

- Hi.

- Hi. How can I help?

We'd like a couple of rooms

for the evening.

- Okay. How many are in your party?

- Just me, my two kids and the baby.

(GRUNTS)

- Oh! Somebody's getting hungry.

- I just gave you a bottle. Yes, I did.

- I know. You did.

- Didn't I just give him a bottle?

That is a hungry baby.

Yes. He's kind of a pig.

(GRUNTS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Michelle Porter. Hey, James, baby.

(SHOUTING) Trey is where?

Congratulations on your dream home.

I'll fax you the paperwork.

Put him on the phone!

- It's for you.

- Could you take a message?

- Hello?

- You are in big trouble, mister.

I hope you know

how to build a time machine,

because you are not coming out

of the house until the year 3000.

I'll draw up some plans with Albert,

but I can't promise anything.

Trey!

This is the most dangerous thing

you've ever done.

I'm sorry, Mommy.

I know you are, baby.

Let me talk to your daddy. Love you.

(SIGHS)

- Hey, baby.

- So are all of you all right?

Baby, we just had some trouble

with the car.

No more tricks, James.

And feed my kids!

You know, Sigmund Freud said

the best way to understand women

- is by listening to them.

- Yeah, but did he say anything

about understanding 10-year-olds?

Because you and the pig is looping me.

I'm confused.

Albert, go start the bath.

If you need us, we'll be playing chess.

Albert, that's enough bubbles.

Knight takes rook.

Hmm. Interesting.

Use your bishop as a decoy. Smart.

(GRUNTING)

- What are you doing?

- Just fixing my hair, about to get ready.

Look, Mel, I know you must be upset

about missing the sleepover.

But for whatever it's worth,

I was totally cool with it.

Thanks, Dad.

- What are you doing?

- Making coffee.

Caffeine is a drug.

You don't take drugs. End of story.

Dad, why do you insist

on treating me like a child?

Because according to the law,

you are one.

How's it going?

Think you got enough stuff, Melanie?

"Passion." She better not...

(BOTTLE SHATTERING)

WEATHERMAN ON TV:

... with consistent showers

through the next few days.

WOMAN ON TV:
Thanks, Nick, sounds

like we have a rainy week ahead,

so don't forget your umbrellas.

And after the break,

how coffee makes you smarter.

(GRUNTING)

(CHOMPING)

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

(BAND PLAYING IT HAD TO BE YOU)

ARCARA:
(SINGING) It had to be you

It had to be you

$ 10,000.

(SINGING) I wandered around

And finally found the somebody who...

TREY:
Dad! Dad!

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